


The Sixth Sense

by xdark_blue



Series: i sensed you were different ♡ [2]
Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crush at First Sight, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Self-Esteem Issues, Symbolism, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-11-13 15:41:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 53,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11188212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xdark_blue/pseuds/xdark_blue
Summary: In which Myungsoo meets someone who not only gives him hope, but teaches him how to be happy again.Sequel to Ghost of a Good Thing.





	1. week one

**Author's Note:**

> you must read Ghost of a Good Thing before this story in order for Myungsoo's past and current issues to make sense :)

**six.**  


 

“Okay, that’s it. I’m booking a flight to Korea.”

 

I glared at my best friend, hoping it would still be somewhat effective through the computer screen. “You are doing no such thing.”

 

Dongwoo crossed his arms, leaning back against his pillows. His face was covered in shadows; it was late where he was at as it was his turn to bear the burden of the inconvenient time difference between us. He was whispering but that didn’t make his tone any less serious. “Myungie, I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been a couple weeks since… that happened and you aren’t getting any better. Each time we Skype you seem more depressed, you barely even leave your apartment; and don’t even try to deny it, I can tell by all the empty boxes of take out. All the progress you made sophomore year is just disappearing down the drain. I can’t just sit by and watch you ruin yourself. You’re my best friend, and you need me. So I’m coming, there is no other option.”

 

As much as I would have loved to see him, relished in his company, I knew I couldn’t ask that of him. He had his own life to deal with, and I couldn’t ask him to leave it all behind just for me. “ _No_ Dongwoo. You already accepted that summer internship in LA! Getting a chance to actually work at a record label, that’s your dream and I can’t let you give it up for me.”

 

“There will be other summers Myungie. You need me right now.”

 

“On top of this being completely unnecessary since I can take care of myself, you don’t have the money for a plane ticket and I refuse to give you any since I don’t need you to come, so it’s literally impossible.”

 

Dongwoo smirked at me victoriously. “Then I’ll just use the money I was saving for a security deposit. I don’t need a new apartment in the fall anyway.”

 

“Dongwoo, you _hate_ your roommate. I’m half way convinced you accepted the internship just to be able to escape him for a couple months. Actually no, you told me that was the biggest reason you were excited about it.”

 

He shrugged his shoulders. “Well, I’ll still get a few months away from him if I’m crashing with you at your place. I guess I’ll just have to put up with him for another fun year of inappropriately timed house parties and nonexistent cleaning habits.”

 

I rubbed a hand over my face, feeling guiltier by the second. “What can I do to convince you to go to your internship like you have been planning all along until you decided to become my second mom?”

 

Dongwoo smiled and I started to get a little suspicious. “Now that you mention it, there is something you can do for me.”

 

“So all of these dramatics have been part of a larger, more sinister plan. Wonderful.”

 

Dongwoo rolled his eyes at me. “In my defense, I’ve Skyped with you almost daily since graduation and I have yet to see you anywhere near the happy end of the spectrum. Desperate times call for desperate measures. But I think I’ve found something that can change that, and now that I know you are willing to cooperate things are finally looking up!”

 

“Just tell me already, the suspense is killing me.”

 

Dongwoo shifted his body around, lying on his stomach now with his laptop set in front of him. “So I was thinking that you need something to take your mind off of things, and I was looking through the summer course catalog-”

 

“Your idea of cheering me up is to force me to take more classes? I’m a little disappointed.”

 

“Quit judging and let me finish! I know you haven’t taken your fine arts gen ed class yet, and I have something that would be perfect! It’s an eight week intersession course; you can get the credits you need, and it’s actually a fun subject; _Introduction to American Film._ And I’ll probably have seen all the movies anyway, so I can totally help you if you have any questions with your homework.”

 

I stared at him silently, and he started to pout. “Come on Myungie, show a little enthusiasm! You’re acting like I just told you that you have to take physics or biochem. It’s a film class, how hard can it be?”

 

I looked away with a sigh. “I know it won’t be hard or anything. It just… means that I will have to leave my apartment. Joy.”

 

“Seriously Myungie, this is the best thing that could happen to you. Plus it will get your mom off your back! You can’t exactly move back home if you are enrolled in a summer course, right?”

 

I nodded in agreement; my mom had been harping on me to move back in to my parent’s house since I told her about the break up, claiming that it wasn’t healthy for me to spend the summer alone. Which was probably true, but the last thing I wanted to deal with was my mom’s overbearing pity. Sometimes I regretted telling her the truth about my relationships because of her inability to respect my privacy, but I was still thankful that she accepted me for who I was. “You know Dongwoo… you might actually be a genius.”

 

“I told you! Don’t let the crazy hair fool you, I’m quite the academic.”

 

I smiled, the expression feeling weird on my face after so long. “How long is it going to stay pink by the way? Shouldn’t you dye it or something for your internship? Not that you’re professional in the slightest, but you might want to spring that on them after you get your letter of recommendation.”

 

Dongwoo waived at the screen in disagreement. “Puh-lease. This is LA we are talking about… they’d probably think less of me if I showed up with normal hair.”

 

“Uh huh. So about this class-”

 

He gave me his toothy grin. “Don’t worry, I’ve already got everything under control. You’ve already been enrolled and your spot is secure!”

 

“You enrolled for me? Seriously?”

 

He shrugged his shoulders. “Well, I knew your password and I knew you were going to give into my nagging eventually, so why not? Oh, and your first class starts in about an hour.”

 

“You’re unbelievable.”

 

“Unbelievably helpful? Why yes I am. I already texted you the room number for the lecture hall, and I’ve e-mailed you my log-in information to my Netflix account, so hopefully all the movies you need can be streamed online. Now as much as I’d like to stay and chat, I need to get some sleep so I can actually start packing tomorrow before work and you need to start getting ready. Promise you’ll text or call me if you need any help? We can Skype again tomorrow night for me, early morning for you if you want?”

 

“Yes mother.”

 

Dongwoo groaned at my lack of enthusiasm. “Come on Myungie, can I at least get a smile before bedtime?” I stuck my tongue out at him and he shook his head as he laughed. “I guess I’ll take what I can get. Good luck with your first lecture! Make sure you wear something nice to class so you leave a good impression! And you have more than enough time for a shower, so take advantage.”

 

“ _Fine._ I swear, you are the worst sometimes.”

 

“You’ll thank me someday. Now get going! And try to make friends!”

 

We said our love yous and goodbyes, and I ended the video call. I logged into my school account, and sure enough the film class was already there on my summer course schedule. I clicked on the class link, pulling up the syllabus. It was actually quite vague, only giving information about the course dates and the class location, but nothing was revealed about the actual course itself. I closed out the window and shut down my laptop; it was time to face the outside world again.

 

* * *

_Week One;;_

 

The lecture hall isn’t at all what I expected; it’s in one of the smaller fine arts buildings and there isn’t even a projector. There’s only a couple minutes left until class is supposed to start but there’s only ten or so students sitting in desks. I knew the class size would be small because it was summer, but I didn’t expect it to be to this extent.

 

No one is talking to each other; everyone’s eyes are glued to their respective cell phones or computers and it makes me wonder how people even make new friends when they already seem to be so out of touch with their surroundings. I pull out my own, just to blend in because I have no one to text since Dongwoo is sleeping; so I busy myself with Candy Crush. Just when I start to get into it, the teacher comes crashing into the room with only a few seconds to spare, talking just a little too quickly.

 

“Good afternoon class, sorry I was running a little behind schedule today.” He pauses and looks at his watch. “Actually I take that back, it seems that I was just in time. Everyone, phones and laptops away and eyes to the front of the room.” His voice drifts through the small area and I follow his instructions instinctually. I look up to the front of the room and my eyes meet the teacher’s; I feel a shiver run through my body as we hold the eye contact for a few seconds too long, and a curious grin spreads over his face.

 

He’s beautiful; beautiful in a way that I thought only existed in the pages of my mangas. He’s tall, leaning casually against the desk at the front of the room, and his legs seeming to go on for miles. He is dressed casually in a pair of khakis and a lightweight summer cardigan, the bright baby blue stripes making him seem that much more inviting. His eyes are big and bright, magnified by the black thick-rimmed glasses perched on the end of his little nose. His hair is a warm medium brown, his long tresses framing his face. But everything, the sharp jawline and symmetrical facial structure, it all seems to fade away when I focus on his smile. His pale pink lips are spread over perfectly straight white teeth, and his smile lights up the whole room. Just when I think I can’t endure his gaze for any longer, even if it has only been a few short seconds, he looks down to his briefcase to pull out some documents before setting them on the desk next to him.

 

“I would like to officially welcome you all the _Introduction to American Film._ I am your tour guide to the wonderful world of cinema, Lee Sungyeol. And please, let’s forget about formalities here. Film is all about connecting with your audience, and I want us to be able to communicate without any sorts of barriers. So you will find no seonsaengnim here, please just call me Sungyeol.” He stands to his full height then, clapping his hands once to break up the whispered murmurs going through the classroom. I’ve never heard of a professor wanting to be called by their first name, and judging by the slightly shocked looks on the other students around me I am not alone.

 

Sungyeol shuffles through his papers, before pulling out the one he wanted. “Now, I’ll do a quick roll call and then we’ll get started.”

 

He says the names, as well as a nice to meet with you with eye contact to each student as he goes down his list, and I feel my hands start to sweat as he gets closer to my name.

 

“Kim Myungsoo?” He calls out, his eyes already searching the room for me. I raise my hand, hoping I don’t look as silly as I feel when our eyes meet again.

 

“P-present.” I answer, pulling my hand down nervously as I mentally berate myself for stuttering.

 

Sungyeol checks me off on his attendance sheet with a smile. “Nice to meet you, Kim Myungsoo.” His eyes seem to twinkle as he says my name, and I wonder if it has ever sounded so wonderful.

 

Roll call is done in a mere moments with such a small class, and Sungyeol puts down his attendance sheet to begin his lecture. “Now, by a show of hands please, how many of you have already looked at the course syllabus?”

 

Unsurprisingly, we all lift up a hand. “Great, it looks like I’ve got a class of students that like to be prepared. And after looking at the syllabus, how many of you have an idea as to what we will be doing in this class?”

 

I look around and no one has raised a hand. Sungyeol claps at the front of the room. “That’s great! Exactly what I was hoping for. I wanted you to come into this classroom with a clean slate, ready for me to throw anything at you. Now, by show of hands, how many of you are starting to get a little nervous as to find out exactly what I have planned?” He laughs, and it sounds like music to my ears. “Come on, don’t be shy! Show of hands!”

 

We all lift our hands again and a few giggles scatter from around the room. Sungyeol leans back against the desk again, and I curse myself for not getting a better seat near the front of the room because those _legs._

 

“I’ll be honest with you guys. Won seonsaengnim, the professor that usually teaches this course, has decided to take a part in a theatre production in Seoul last minute. For reasons we may never know or understand, the head of the film department has decided to put me in charge of this class. And as a poor college student similar to yourselves, I couldn’t say no to the paycheck.”  

 

A chuckle went through the room, and he seemed happy that he was able to loosen us up a bit. “So what I’m sure I am supposed to do is follow Won seonsaengnim’s proposed course outline, but I’ve decided to shake things up a bit. I mean, I could force you to come to class every week, to watch a movie in this tiny room in the uncomfortable chairs. I could make you watch the classics that never seem to end, filled with dialogue that only a true movie buff could enjoy. Or we could do things my way, and we can actually have a little fun this summer. Can I assume everyone likes the sound of that?” The class murmured sounds of approval and he flashed that million dollar smile again, starting to pace the room slowly.

 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about American movies… the type of topics I would like to cover this summer and I have come to the realization that there is one type of film that is consistently left off of critics list, that just might be the kind of movies that every one of us in this room can relate to the most.” He paused for dramatic effect before enlightening us. “The teen movie.”

 

He placed his pretty hands on the edge of the desk, shifting his weight back to sit back on the flat surface. “Now I know what you are all thinking. American teen movies? It’s all just a bunch of alcoholic misadventures, overdone stereotypes, and awkward sex, right?”

 

The class laughed again, and he swung his legs happily, making himself appear even younger than I’m sure he was. “And while that might be true to some extent, there is an reoccurring theme in every teen movie that I believe is more important than things like cinematography or intricately written plot lines. And that class, is struggle of growing up and becoming an adult. The struggle to establish one’s identity and finding the courage to truly be yourself. This is something that I know each of us has experienced first hand; in fact, some of us in this room still might not be sure of exactly who we are. I’d like for this summer to be a time that you start being honest with yourself; that you truly take a look at what’s inside of you, and maybe by the end of this course you will be a little be closer to coming to terms with the kind of person that you really are.”

 

He jumped off the desk with a sense of enthusiasm. “I’ve taken the liberty of providing a link to the first film on the course website, so each of you should have no problem completing your assignment. As for the proceeding weeks, you’ll have to find the movies on your own; consider it part of the fun. I want you to watch these movies alone, to form your own opinions without any outside influences.”

 

He turned to grab a stack of papers from his desk, slowly making his way around the room while he passed them out. “This is the last time the class will meet as a whole until the final. If you look at this course syllabus, you will see my office hours listed. Each week I would like you all to watch the film I have assigned to you and write me a 5000 word essay about the movie. The good part? _You_ decide what to write about. Maybe you’ll tell me about your favorite character or the scene that stuck out to you the most. Maybe you pick apart the details, tell me what you would have done differently with the script. As long as it’s 5000 words about the subject matter, it works for me. The catch? I will meet with each of you individually at the end of the week to discuss the contents of your essay. So whatever you write, make sure you are ready to defend it by the time you show up in my office.” Sungyeol set the last syllabus on my desk, making that intense eye contact with me again, before walking away with a grin.

 

“This week I thought we’d start with a movie that represents what all of you are; Clueless.” I laughed, a little too loudly and his big eyes found mine again. “It’s a cult classic, the teen movie that redefined the genre in itself and spawned more catch phrases than anyone growing up in the 90s cares to admit.” He moved around the desk, sitting behind it properly for the first time. “I have the sign up sheet here in front of me. Take a look at my office hours and see what works best for you; the 30 minute time slots are on a first come, first serve basis, and the time you pick wil be yours for the following eight weeks; so please choose wisely. Thank you all for your attention, and I look forward to meeting with you again at the end of the week.”

 

The class clapped politely, some students whispering to each other excitedly before going up to sign up for a time slot. I tried to stare at the syllabus, but I found myself continuing to glance at up at the professor; watching the way he warmly interacted with the students. Soon the last person was signing the sheet, and I was the only one left.

 

I grabbed my messenger bag, slinging it over my shoulder as I made my way to the front of the room. The girl before me finished just as I made it to his desk, and it was only the two of us left in the room. I picked up the sign up sheet with slightly shaking hands, my eyes roaming over the empty spaces left.

 

“Are you a procrastinator, Myungsoo-yah?”

 

It took me a second to process his question, my head still stuck on the way my name sounded rolling off his tongue. “I’m sorry?”

 

Sungyeol bit the end up of his pen, his stare magnified through his lenses. “You were the last one to sign up for the class, last night if I remember correctly. And now, you are the last one to sign up for the discussion. I’m just wondering if it is a habit.”

 

I shook my head vigorously. “No seonsaengnim. I am a hard worker, and I will prepare for your class well.”

 

He smiled at me, the perfect teeth almost blinding so close. “Sungyeol.”

 

I bowed slightly in apologies. “I’m sorry for giving you the impression that I was uninterested in the course Sungyeol-sshi. I will watch the movie well to prepare for our discussion.”

 

He adjusted his glasses, sliding the frames further up the bridge of his nose. “Please, don’t be so serious Myungsoo-yah. I think this should be a class that you look forward to this summer. I was merely teasing you.”

 

“Oh, I understand now.” We stared at each other for a few moments, before Sungyeol lifted his eyebrow inquisitively.

 

“Not that I have anywhere to be, but are you going to sign up for my office hours anytime soon?”

 

I looked down at my hand clutching the sign up sheet, and I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. “Of course seonsaeng- I mean, Sungyeol-sshi.” I tried to focus on the numbers on the page, but my mind wasn’t cooperating. “Can I just take the last time slot?”

 

Sungyeol looked at me surprised. “The last time slot is for Friday at 4:30. Are you sure you don’t want to pick a better time so you don’t waste one of your weekend afternoons?”

 

“It won’t be a waste if I’m spending it with you.” His eyes widened and I internally screamed at myself for saying the words out loud. I did my best to save my dignity. “I mean, I’m really enthusiastic about movies. I’m looking forward to learning something new about myself through this course. And I don’t have anything better to do with my Fridays so… I don’t mind if you don’t.”

 

Sungyeol took the paper from my hand, the cap of his pen caught between his teeth as he scribbled down my name on the last time slot. He pulled it from between his lips, capping it back on before tossing it into his briefcase.

 

“Not at all Myungsoo-yah. It is part of my office hours, so of course I have to be available. I’m looking forward to your essay, I’m sure that it will be an interesting read.”

 

I smiled, biting my lip to try to contain my excitement. “Thank you. I’ll see you on Friday then, Sungyeol-sshi.”

 

He grinned back at me, standing up to shake my hand before I left. “I’ll see you on Friday, Myungsoo-yah.”

 

* * *

 

That day after class, I immediately sat down to watch the movie. I was surprised that I enjoyed it; it was campy and over the top, but it didn’t take itself too seriously. The essay didn’t take long; the words filling up the screen easily since I was able to write without the constraints of a ‘right answer’. I liked that Sungyeol let us form our own opinion, and that we were given a chance to explain our feelings in person. Friday came sooner then I was ready for, and I felt a bubbling sense of nervousness in my stomach.

 

“Be honest. Does this look okay?”

 

“Myungie, I know I told you to dress for success, but explain to me again why I am helping you pick out an outfit for your class? Your acting like you are going on a date.”

 

I glared at my camera. “I am _not._ I just want to look nice.”

 

Dongwoo wriggled his eyebrows. “Oh, what’s this? Did my Myungie meet someone hot in the last lecture?”

 

I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time; because Dongwoo was right, but he clearly wouldn’t expect me to tell him that the person that caught my eye was my teacher. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m going to meet up with the professor one on one to discuss my essay. I just want him to take me seriously, so help me out already.”

 

His pink hair swayed as he nodded in understanding. “My bad! I didn’t realize that you had to talk to your professor alone. Keep on the dark jeans and maybe go with the light blue shirt? It looks fancy, but not too overdone.”

 

I pulled off my current top, switching it out for the one Dongwoo suggested. I fixed my hair in the camera, pulling the edges of my shirt done to complete the look. “Good?”

 

He gave me a solid thumbs up. “Good! How much time you got left?”

 

I checked the clock on the computer screen. “Uhh… maybe fifteen minutes and that’s including my walk time?”

 

“Don’t let me keep you any longer then! Your hair looks fine, it looks like you made it wavy on purpose. It doesn’t hurt to be a little bit early, it makes you look like a good student! And Myungie?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You seem… brighter? I don’t know. I know it’s barely been a week since we Skyped but you just seem… better. I'm glad that you're getting better.”

 

I smiled softly at him; I know he had been so worried about me these past couple weeks. To say I had been a mess after graduatation was an understatement. There were days I couldn't get out of bed, days I wanted him back, and days I hated ever meeting him. But I had been so consumed with preparing for the class, so sidetracked by new professor that I had barely given my ex much thought. “It’s one day at a time, but thanks. Text me later when you wake up?”

 

“Sure. Oh, and good luck with your professor!” I thanked him, ending the video chat and heading out the door with a bit of apprehension. I hadn’t been able to get the brunette out of my head since the lecture, his pretty eyes and gummy smile invading my subconscious seemingly each time I closed my eyes. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t had any real contact with a human being besides Dongwoo through a computer screen, but when he looked at me he made me feel... optimistic? It was crazy, we had barely exchanged a couple sentences and yet those couple sentences had been the highlight of my entire week; until now that is.

 

The walk to campus flew by, the weather warm and inviting, my mind preoccupied with my handsome professor. Soon enough I was inside the film department, making my way to his office. I checked my phone again, making sure I remembered the room number correctly. The door was open already, and Sungyeol was sitting behind his desk; his long brown hair falling into his eyes as he looked over some paperwork.

 

I felt my stomach flip; even though I had spent far too much time than normal thinking about him, seeing him in person again made me realize just how beautiful he was. My imagination didn’t do him justice, he looked perfect; his glasses, a dark brown today, slipping down the edge of his long nose as he scribbled over the page. I’m not sure how long I stared, just taking in the beauty in front of me but after awhile his head lifted and his eyes meet my own.

 

“Myungsoo-yah! Don’t stand in the hallway, come on in!” He stood up, checking his watch quickly. “Oh, you’re a bit early! That’s okay, I was just finishing up looking over your essay. Please join me, and you can close the door behind you.”

 

I followed his instructions, dropping my bag to the floor and taking a seat in the chair in front of his desk. I let my eyes roam over his office quickly; it was tiny, with lots of pictures on the walls from different productions. I wanted to look more at the images, see if I could find Sungyeol in the cast photos, but I didn’t want to seem rude.

 

“Thank you for meeting with me.”

 

Sungyeol waved me off. “You don’t have to thank me at all! If anything I’m forcing you to do this for the class. Now that you're here, let's get right into it! I’d like for you to briefly tell me your thoughts on the film.”

 

I shifted nervously in my seat, and he smiled at me. “There is no wrong answer Myungsoo-yah. I’d just like to know how you feel.”

 

I nodded. “Honestly… at first the film seemed to be a bit shallow to me. But after Cher helped her teachers get together, I started to see the tiny changes in her character. The film started to become less about her, and more about her relationships? I found the whole movie to be kind of exaggerated... but that was part of its charm?”

 

“So you liked it? Would you watch it again?”

 

“Yeah… I’ve already watched it three times.”

 

Sungyeol raised his eyebrows at me. “Three times? Apparently you liked it a lot.”

 

“That… and I wanted to be prepared for our discussion.”

 

He adjusted his glasses, picking up my homework with a small smile. “I see. After looking through your essay, it was clear to me that you enjoyed the film. But today you’ve only mentioned Cher, while your essay focuses on Tai. Can you explain to me what drew you to her character?”

 

I wrung my hands nervously in my lap. “Cher is clearly the heroine of the film. She is the most important character, and all of the drama revolves around her in one way or another. But I found myself more drawn to Tai. She’s introduced to a new school, a foreign social environment and she has no one to depend on. And when someone finally takes Tai under their wing, it isn’t necessarily in her best interest or even because of her… Cher only wants to give her a make over to feel better about her own selfishness and superficial tendencies. And then when Cher’s plan is successful and Tai becomes desirable in the school, Cher becomes jealous and resentful. In a sick sort of way Tai, consumed by the newfound attention, becomes someone she’s never been; relishing in the attention from her classmates and going after Josh. And eventually when she loses to Cher, she reunites with Travis; the guy who she liked in the beginning before all the delusions of popularity made her forget who she was. So in a way, her character didn’t change at all, because by the end she stayed true to her original feelings.”

 

Sungyeol leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Interesting. Instead of focusing on and falling for the main romance in the storyline, you focused on the less important side pairing.”

 

I shrugged. “But was it less important? In reality, Cher didn’t even realize her feelings for Josh until someone else said they were interested in him. In fact, she spends a majority of the film trying to seduce Christian. Whereas with Tai, she liked Travis from the start, but other people kept pushing her in different directions; trying to force her to like someone else simply because Travis didn't fit the mold of what they considered to be a cool boyfriend. So in a way, seeing them get together by the end of the film was much more gratifying then seeing Cher kiss Josh, because we knew that Tai always had those initial feelings for Travis.”

 

Sungyeol squinted at me, scooting forward in his seat a bit. “Myungsoo-yah… I’m not sure if these meetings will be beneficial. You seem to already have everything figured out.”

 

I shook my head furiously. “No, of course not! I mean, maybe something is wrong with my analysis of the film since I focused on the wrong pairing or-”

 

He cut me off with a pleased tone. “I have to disagree. Your thoughts are well versed and you seem to be passionate about your standpoint. I feel that I am lacking, because I’m not sure what else to discuss with you, since you understood and evaluated the film on such a different level than your other classmates.”

 

I wanted to kick myself; my over preparedness had been my downfall, and now I had run out of things to say in a mere ten minutes. I looked at my knees, feeling downcast. “I’m sorry Sungyeol-sshi. I’m afraid that your last discussion for the week was boring because of me.”

 

Sungyeol looked alarmed. “No, please don’t take my words that way. What I meant is that most people are just taking this as a blow off class, just trying to knock out a gen ed credit over the summer with an easy subject. No one else took it as seriously as you did. If anything, your essay was the most rewarding to read.”

 

I felt a blush creep over my cheeks at his praise. “Thank you Sungyeol-sshi. I’m glad that you enjoyed my work.”

 

The brunette set my essay back down on his desk, twirling a pen between his slender fingers. “You said you have a lot of free time in class the other day?”

 

“Y-yes. I usually go home for the summer, but I chose to stay in town this year. Your class in the only one I’m enrolled in.”

 

He nodded. “Well no wonder you were so diligent; it seems you needed something to occupy your time. I’ve already updated the course website to include the movie and assignment for next week. But if you’d like, I can give you a couple movie recommendations.”

 

I smiled at him. “Yeah… I’d really like that actually.”

 

He flipped my essay over, his elegant handwriting starting to fill up the once empty page. “You aren’t required to watch any of these, and it’s not for extra credit or anything. But you are my last appointment of the week, so it wouldn’t be a problem for me to stay late and discuss some of these with you on top of your coursework… if you’d be interested that is.”

 

I feel a wave of happiness wash over me; he was going out of his way to be nice to me, and that felt overwhelmingly good. “Definitely. I would definitely be interested.”

 

He brushed his bangs out of his face, sticking his pen behind his ear. “Perfect. Now the ones that I wrote on here I know you can get on Netflix. After that, I can always bring a couple from my collection at home to let you borrow a DVD or two.”

 

“Sungyeol-sshi, you’re too kind-”

 

“I really don’t mind at all. I’m glad that you are taking an interest in something outside of your comfort zone… learning about a different culture so to speak. Which is especially good for you, since you are involved in ISA, right?”

 

The atmosphere broke; my thoughts immediately turning to the one person I did not want to think about. “No. Not anymore.”

 

Sungyeol looked a little taken aback, sensing the sudden seriousness in my tone. “My mistake. I reviewed your student profile before our meeting and it was listed as part of your extracurricular activities.”

 

My eyes shifted away from him, my hands picking at a loose thread of my jeans. “It’s fine; I just… decided to no longer be involved after the previous class graduated. I guess I just haven’t gotten around to updating my student information yet. I apologize for the confusion.”

 

He shifted forward, clasping his hands on his desk. “Well ISA member or not, I’m sure that you’ll still be able to enjoy these films. I branched out a little with the genre, but still kept the age range within young adults. I look forward to speaking to you about them next week.”

 

Sungyeol handed back my essay with a warm smile, and I took it with a whispered thanks. “I made a few comments in the margins on a few parts and your grade is on the last page. I’m sure you’ll be pleased with it.”

 

I flipped through the pages, my eyes widening after seeing the bright red _100%_ marked at the end of my essay. I looked back up at him and his eyes were watching my reaction intently. “Sungyeol-sshi, this is-”

 

“Exactly the grade you deserve. I look forward to reading your analysis over next week’s film; I’m sure it will be just as enlightening as this one. I guess it was wrong of me to assume that my first class was clueless.”

 

I grinned, shifted a little closer to the end of my seat. “I’m sure that I’ll learn a lot because of you, Sungyeol-sshi.”

 

His teeth softly bit his lips as he grinned at me. “Perhaps you will; I guess we have the whole summer to find out. I’ll see you next week Myungsoo-yah.”

 

I took the hint, slinging my bag on and slipping my essay inside for safekeeping. I walked out of his office, pausing at his doorframe. I turned over my shoulder, looking at the professor sitting behind his desk one last time. “See you next Friday.” Our eyes met and I held his gaze; staring into the deep brown eyes for what was probably too long to be considered acceptable. But he didn’t look away, giving me a closed lip smile that made me feel lighter on my feet. I finally moved away, unable to handle the sudden tension between us any longer.

 

I stepped out of his office into the hallway, sneaking one last glance over my shoulder; Sungyeol was smiling widely at nothing, a finger playing with his pink lips. I felt my chest tighten up as I walked back to my apartment; the first tendrils of up hope starting to spark within me. I closed my eyes, feeling the sunshine embrace my skin as I made my way through campus; for the first time in a long while, I actually had something, no _someone,_ to look forward to seeing again.

 

* * *

A/N: so i've just been having alot  _senpai, notice me_ feels concerning myungyeol lately.  
i just find the idea of myungsoo crushing on his professor so adorable.  


comment and let me know what you guys think! i had a huge urge to just make myungyeol meet randomly and just do it, but i don't know, i felt like myungsoo has gone through so much in this story, i really wanted to give him a chance at a real love connection. thanks for reading!

 


	2. week two

**six.**  


 

It’s windy outside today and I wrap my arms around my body, trying to keep out the creeping chill in the air. I berate myself for not wearing a jacket, but it just seemed wrong to wear such a thing during the summer. The walk to campus isn’t that long anyway, but it still is slightly uncomfortable. By the time I arrive at the fine arts building I almost jump for joy. It feels a little more familiar now, but it still takes me a moment to remember the way to his office. I’m early again, but only by a couple minutes this time; I didn’t want to seem too eager.

 

I knock politely on his open door, and he turns to me with a smile. “Myungsoo-yah! I’ve been waiting for you to arrive.”

 

“Oh… I didn’t realize, otherwise I would have came earlier-”

 

He waved me off. “Don’t be silly, you are right on time. I guess I’ve just been looking forward to our meeting today. Please come in and sit!”

 

I smiled weakly back, closing the door behind me and getting myself settled in front of him. I let my eyes run over him quickly, taking in his appearance for today. He’s dressed more practically; a pale green sweater that hugs his chest and the sleeves are so long that they cover his palms. He’s wearing the brown frames again, and he looks so casually beautiful that it almost hurts. I feel inferior sitting in front of him when he looks so effortlessly perfect.

 

“Why aren’t you wearing a jacket, it’s chilly outside! I had to close my window because the wind was tossing around my papers.”

 

I shrugged. “I guess I just forgot to grab one on the way out of my apartment?”

 

Sungyeol tsked at me. “You need to dress according to the weather! It wouldn’t do if you got sick Myungsoo-yah.”

 

I feel inexplicably warmer at his polite concern. “I’ll try harder Sungyeol-sshi.” He hummed in approval, scooting his chair closer to his desk. He rested an elbow on top of it, reaching one of his long arms out to touch my hair. I flinched back at the sudden contact and he chuckled.

 

“Lean closer to me.” I obeyed, internally freaking out at the sudden turn of events. His long fingers combed through my hair, smoothing it out and fixing my bangs. He slid his fingers above my eyebrows, swooping my hair to the side before pulling back with a grin. “There. The wind turned your hair into an absolute mess; but I fixed it so no worries.”

 

My cheeks must have been flaming red, and I did my best not to sound as rattled as I felt. “Thank you.”

 

“It’s not a problem. You would fix my hair for me if it was messed up, right?”

 

“I-I guess so.”

 

“Then it’s not a big deal, is it?” I nodded compliantly and he reached into his desk, riffling through some papers before pulling out what he was looking for. “Here we are; your essay on _The Outsiders._ I got the sense this time that you didn’t enjoy this film assignment as much as you did last week.”

 

“It wasn’t that… I enjoyed it, it was just…”

 

“Different?” Sungyeol added helpfully.

 

“Yes, different. It was set in an earlier time period, so I felt removed watching the first time I watched it. I actually appreciated and liked it a lot better after reading the book.”

 

Sungyeol’s eyebrows rose. “You read the book?”

 

I nodded shyly. “Yes… After the first viewing I didn’t feel as strong of a connection to the film, but I was sure that there was a reason you chose it for our class. So I looked it up online and I found out it was based on a novel… they had a translated version available so I bought a copy from the bookstore.”

 

The brunette appeared to be impressed. “And how did reading the novel change your impression of the film?”

 

“The film just kind of seemed to be like one tragedy after another. I wasn’t sure who to feel the most sorry for by the end of it. But after reading the book I realized that I wasn’t supposed to; it wasn’t about who survived and who didn’t. It was about brotherhood; having a group of people you could be yourself with, that you could count on to stand by your side when times get rough. Even though Ponyboy was saddened by the loss of his friends, he still had other people he needed to live for." 

 

Sungyeol tapped his pen on the desk. "You're right; we can't just shut down completely after a tragedy. There are other people that continue to depend on us. Did any scene in particular stand out to you?"

 

 _"Nothing gold can stay;_ the line that Johnny said to his best friend before the turn of events the ultimately lead to his death. Inside that church they could pretend the outside world didn’t exist, run away from their responsibilities and just be young so to speak. But all good things must come to an end, right? And the very church that gave them their shelter burned to the ground.”

 

Sungyeol nodded, his cheek resting on his palm as he listened to my explanation. I cleared my throat, a little nervous under his full attention but empowered knowing that he was intrigued by my words. “In a way Johnny’s character was the negative reflection of Ponyboy’s. While Ponyboy had dreams of escaping the confinements of his social status in society, Johnny accepted it for what it was. He came from an abusive home, toughened by the circumstances in which he had to grow up in. He treats his friends, the greasers, as his family because he wishes to forget his own. But he’s the one that runs into the burning church to protect the children, who puts his own need for survival last in order to save those he considers to be more deserving. The fact that Johnny in his hospital bed tells Ponyboy to _stay gold,_ to relish in his innocence and essentially not give into growing up as his own life slips away…” I look down at my hands, a little shy at my own zeal. “I kind of think that’s beautiful.”

 

Sungyeol’s lips slowly formed into a smile as he pondered my words. “It is beautiful. _Stay gold._ Even though I think the movie was pretty well adapted, it doesn’t capture the emotion quite the same way as the novel does.”

 

My mouth opened slightly in shock. “You read it too?”

 

He nodded, his brown hair bouncing with the action. “Mhmm. That line; _stay gold…_ It resonated with me back when I was in high school. That idea of staying fresh, looking at the world with unbiased eyes the way you can only do when you are young and inexperienced.” His eyes moved away from me, and I got the sense that he was thinking back on those times.

 

I tried to prompt him to continue. “So the book had an impact on you?”

 

He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “In a sense. It helped me realize that youth is fleeting, that even if I was in a tough situation that it was nothing compared to theirs. But another quote stuck out to me more.”

 

I leaned forward in my seat, wanting patiently for him to continue.

 

“ _I lie to myself all the time; but I never believe me._ ” He pulled on his long sleeves, the pale green fabric covering his hands as referenced the quote.

 

I felt as if we were talking about something different entirely, as if he was revealing a part of himself that he preferred to keep hidden. For a moment he wasn’t the charismatic professor, the overly bright personality falling away to reveal a more vulnerable person underneath. His smile had faded, his long lashes casting shadows against his cheeks as he stared down at his desk. It was unsettling, seeing the beautiful brown orbs lose their shine and I wondered what had happened to him to make him look so sad at a simple memory.

 

I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to make the sparkle enter his eyes again. But I felt inclined to do something, especially after feeling like he had revealed something he hadn’t meant to. “Maybe that’s when you aren’t gold anymore… when you start to believe that the lies that you tell yourself are real.”

 

His eyes darted back up to me, wide and honest as they pierced through me and I felt the weight of his gaze as he whispered out the next words. “Are you still gold, Myungsoo-yah?”

 

I closed my eyes, thinking for a moment on my own past; about the old heartbreaks and the new ones, and I was slightly disappointed with myself at my own lack of optimism. I couldn’t deny that after the past couple years my concept of love had diminished, and now it just felt unattainable. Even if I were to somehow meet the right one, inevitably it would end like all the others; in heartache.

 

I grimaced slightly, my hands clutching onto my knees. “I… don’t think so. Not anymore at least.” I looked away guiltily, staring at the cracks of the fading paint on the walls of his office. The admission felt depressing to my own ears, and I longed for a different perspective. “I wish that I was though.”

 

“Perhaps that’s all that matters. Maybe wishing that you are is enough.” He smiled softly after speaking, his eyes full of honesty as he tried to encourage me.

 

I pulled at the edges of my shirt, a little hopeful at his declaration. “I hope so.” We sat in silence for a couple moments, the air feeling heavier around us with a sort of tension. My interest was piqued, and in a burst of curiosity I allowed myself to ask. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to… But what did you lie to yourself about? I know we haven’t spent that much time together but you just seem to be… content with yourself? From that first day of class you seemed so confident and happy.” He laughed softly, his fingers playing with the ends of the papers in front of him and the nervous gesture just made me feel worse. “I’m sorry, it’s not my place to ask. I know it’s personal and you are my professor-”

 

“No, it’s okay.” His sudden words made me stop speaking and he let go of the papers to clasp his hands on the desk. “When I was younger, I didn’t want to accept… certain aspects about myself. I thought that if tried hard to push down my feelings or simply pretend they didn’t exist that they would go away. My parents wanted me to be a particular way and I wanted to please them.” He sighed, resting his chin on his hands as he looked out the window. “I was so terrified of making a mistake, of accidentally revealing my secret that I ended up pushing people away. I didn’t let anyone get close to me and I became a shell of myself so to speak. I let everyone else but me define who I was. I was the class clown, the jokester who didn’t take things seriously, the choding that was always smiling. Everyone around me thought I was happy, so I didn’t bother to correct them. Every person in school knew my name and yet… none of them knew anything real about me. No one called me on my birthday or knew what kind of music I liked or even remember something as simple as my favorite color; I was popular and extremely alone all at once.”

 

I let out a sigh of disbelief, trying to wrap my head around the depressing idea of Sungyeol's past. “I’m sorry it’s just… it’s difficult to imagine you being unhappy or lonely.”

 

Sungyeol looked at me amused. “And why is that? I'm a regular person just like you; I have weaknesses too.”

 

“I know that, but you seem so put together now. You seem happy and… I don’t know just… okay with who you are. It's just hard to picture you being upset and hiding your pain from everyone around you.” What I didn't say was that it was hard for me to imagine him sad period, that I felt an irrational amount of distress at the mere thought of him being so hurt.

 

He grinned at me almost playfully. “You've barely even met me Myungsoo-yah. In fact, you hardly know me at all. What makes you think I haven’t just gotten better at pretending over the years?”

 

I shook my head vehemently. “No- there’s no way. When you smile its just-” I paused, just barely in time from saying something I shouldn’t have. “What I mean is that when I look at you-” I stared into his brown eyes, so beautifully expressive and I wished there was a way I could convey what I was feeling. “Whatever happened to you then, no matter how hurtful or devastating it was, somehow I know that you’ve gotten over it. You have a presence about you… from the first moment I saw you in class I felt it. And the other students did too! There’s something different about you, the way you captivated us and pulled us into your lecture, even if it was only for a short period of time it had a lasting impact. I’ve never felt connected to a professor like that; I’ve never wanted to learn more than I did in that moment. You might think that the department made a mistake in choosing you but I don’t. Even if this is supposed to be just an easy A over the summer, you’ve managed to make it so much more than that. Even if it’s only been a couple of weeks, I look forward to your class more than any other I’ve ever been in.”

 

I felt shy again, almost as if he would think I was some over zealous student who was just trying to talk his way into a better grade. “I’m not just saying this because I’m your student or because I’m trying to get on your good side. I just want you to know that this class, the meetings we have… they matter. They matter a lot more than you think, and I’m sure that I’m not the only student that feels that way.”

 

I took a breather, shifting nervously in my seat. “So what I was trying to say, before I went off on a tangent is that I don’t think you are pretending. You can’t fake the kind of passion you have for our class. So when I look at you I don’t see someone who is hurting. I know what that looks like…" I saw it in the mirror, too many times that I cared to admit, and I coudn't bear the thought of Sungyeol feeling the same sort of emptiness that I felt. Sadness didn't look right on his face; Sungyeol should always be beautiful and smiling; happy in a way that I longed to be. "Trust me, I know sadness and it’s not you.”

 

Sungyeol looked at me, his eyes moving over my face as he studied me. “Is everything alright, Myungsoo-yah?”

 

I forced a smile back onto my face, hoping that it would seem plausible. "Yeah... I'm fine. I was just making a point." His big eyes slightly narrowed and I knew he was deciding whether he should believe me or not. I continued on, trying to convey my sincerity. "I just get the feeling when I spend time with you that you are a happy person. By teaching the class and being so nice during our meetings you make me happier at least... and now my summer is actually kind of fun. Shouldn't that count for something?"

 

He seemed to brighten up again. "It does. It counts for alot Myungsoo-yah. Thank you for appreciating the course so much. Sometimes I worry that my goals were too ambitious, or that I'm projecting my own agenda onto the class."

 

I couldn't disagree more with his statement. "Sungyeol-sshi, that isn't the truth at all. If anything you've given us the platform to be in control of our own learning. You've given us the tools but left the execution in our hands. If a student doesn't want to take the class seriously that's their own mistake. But if they want to get something special out of this course they can. You've motivated us in a way that other professors haven't. You should be proud of that."

 

Sungyeol laughed, lifting one of his pretty hands to try to stifle the sound. "Sometimes I think you are my biggest fan."

 

I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment; was I that obvious? "I'm sorry if anything I said offended you or if I talked too much..."

 

His brown eyes slightly dimmed at my words. "Oh no, don't think of it that way. This is my first time teaching a class, so it's really just trial and error for me. I want to make it the best I can for you students, but I also don't have any experience. So hearing your thoughts are extremely helpful Myungsoo-yah. I just don't want you to feel like you have to flatter me."

 

"But it isn't flattery if I think it's true."

 

He smiled warmly at me. "Well then I'm glad you think it's true, and that you are enjoying learning about film. Even if the movies I have chosen are self indulgent and maybe kind of more on the fun side than the educational one."

 

Before I could reassure him that wasn't the case, his phone buzzed on his desk. "Just a second." 

 

I moved to stand up from my chair. "I can leave-"

 

He shook his head. "No it's fine, this will only take a moment." He picked up his phone, sliding his delicate looking finger across the screen to answer the call. "Hey, what's up?" He paused for a moment listening to the person the other line. "Well, what time is your audition?" He pushed up his too long sleeve, revealing the silver watch on his pale wrist. "Oh, I guess I lost track of time, I'm still on campus. I'm actually in a meeting with one of my students right now."

 

I felt the crushing weight of guilt washing over me. I waved to get his attention, whispering to disturb him so he wouldn't ruin any plans because of me. "I have to go soon anyway, thank you Sungyeol-sshi." I stood up from my chair, grabbing my bag to get out of his way.

 

He lifted up a hand. "Wait please. No not you, my student. Listen, I'll just come over to your place when I finish up here. Fair enough?" He ran his thumb over his fingernails, biting his lip as he listened to the other voice. I couldn't but notice the lack of enthusiasm in his voice. "Alright, I'll see you then. Later." He hung up the call and set his phone back on his desk, pulling his sleeve down again to cover his watch. I felt horrible all over again for taking up too much of his time.

 

"I'm sorry that we got off topic, I know you're busy-"

 

"Oh, don't feel that way Myungsoo-yah. That was just someone from my class; he has an audition tonight and I promised I would help him practice his lines. He did the same for me a couple weeks back, so I kind of owe him."

 

I nervously moved my bangs out of my face. "Really, you don't have to give me any sort of explanation."

 

He looked at me seriously. "I know that, Myungsoo-yah, but I still want to give you one. Otherwise I wouldn't mind staying here and talking with you."

 

I laughed a little awkwardly. "Thanks. Well not thanks. I mean, I'm thankful you feel that way. That you don't find me boring." I grabbed a fistful of hair, wishing I could find a way to be articulate again. "I'm not sure if I'm even making sense."

 

He joined in on my laughter, but his was wholehearted. "We don't always have to make sense Myungsoo-yah. Sometimes the words that mean the most are the words that we didn't mean to say."

 

"You're probably right... you seem to be right about alot of things. But I wouldn't feel good if I kept you from your obligations too much longer. I'm glad that we got to have our discussion today, and I hope next week will be just as enlightening."

 

He took off his glasses, grinning as he cleaned off the clear frames. "I'm sure it will be Myungsoo-yah. Maybe next Friday you'll tell me a little more about yourself instead of the other way around. I'll see you then." He perched the glasses back on his nose and gave me a gummy smile. I slung my bag over my shoulder, making my way out the office.

 

 I stopped at the door, asking the question that had been bothering me since he told me a piece of his story. “There's just one thing I've been thinking about. Do you wish you would have reached out back then? Corrected them I mean... when you were hurting and needed someone.”

 

He had a thoughtful expression, really thinking my question over before the pink lips opened to respond. “I think… back then I didn’t realize how not okay I was." He sighed, shaking his head. "Actually, that’s not entirely true; I didn’t allow myself realize how not okay I was.”

 

“But why?”

 

Sungyeol scoffed. “Because then I would have had to face the fact that I wasn’t normal… That I wasn’t like everyone else. I forced myself to believe that the way I was living was the better option. Almost a defense mechanism of sorts.”

 

I shifted my weight to the side, leaning against the door frame. “What’s worse than having to lie to everyone around you?”

 

Sungyeol turned in his chair fully to face me, his head resting on his fist again as he regarded me. “Telling the truth and being shunned because of it. Can you imagine anything worse in the world than being yourself, and people hating you for it?”

 

“Actually I can.”

 

He looked at me surprised. “Really? Enlighten me.”

 

“Even if you were lonely or sad, deep down at least you knew who you were. Just think of how it would feel if you didn’t know who you were at all.” That was a pain I felt wholeheartedly, something I struggled with each and everyday. At least when I was with someone, I could mold myself to their liking, let myself became the Myungsoo I thought they wanted me to be. But now that I was alone, now that I had no one to turn to, I felt so incredibly lost. How could I move on, become better if I had no idea where I was supposed to move on to? "Just remember that the next time you feel down Sungyeol-sshi; at least you are lucky enough to know exactly who you are."

 

The atmosphere was somber after my words. I realized I had been standing in the door silently for quite some time, so I uttered out a goodbye and turned to leave. A couple seconds later I felt a hand grip my shoulder in the hallway.

 

“Myungsoo-yah, wait.” I stopped in my tracks, turning around to face him again. He looked slightly worried and I felt guilty cause I knew it was because of me. “You forgot to take your essay.” He reached out to hand me my paper, and I took it with a small bow.

 

“I guess I got us off topic during our meeting, and I forgot about this. Thank you Sungyeol-sshi. I’ll see you next week.” I turned to leave but his hand applied a bit of pressure on my shoulder, not letting me do so. I looked at him questioningly and he gazed down at the floor.

 

“I’m not sure how to say this…” I waited patiently, letting him figure out what he wanted to say. “I just want you to know, those things I told you-”

 

“I won't say anything or gossip. I’ll keep it to myself.” Sungyeol smiled at me, shaking his head slightly.

 

“No, that isn’t it. I know that you wouldn’t spread any rumors and I hope you know that I would treat you with the same respect."

 

“I know Sungyeol-sshi. What is it then?”

 

Sungyeol let go off my shoulder, pushing both of his hands into the front pockets of his faded jeans. “I guess I just wanted you to know that what we talked about, how I felt back then… I’ve never talked to anyone about that. I’m not even sure why I did to be honest but… there’s just something about you, you’re so easy to talk to and I guess the words just kind of spilled out of me. Maybe I’ve wanted to say them for a long time but just never felt the courage to. Or maybe I never felt comfortable enough with another person...” He kicked his shoe against the tile floor, rocking back and forth on his heels a little sheepishly. “Anyway, I guess I’m just trying to say thank you. For listening.”

 

“Of course. And I feel the same. I usually am not the type that talks alot-”

 

“Seriously? Our past two meetings say otherwise.” We both laughed together at my admittance, because I did turn into a chattering mess around him.

 

I ran a hand through my hair blushingly. “I know, I know; it’s probably hard for you to believe. But honestly, I’m more of the type that follows someone else’s lead… that lets the other person talk and steer the conversation. But for some reason when I’m with you… it just feels natural to say what’s on my mind without thinking about it too much. So I think you’re just as easy to talk to. So thanks for today, even if we didn’t end up talking about the movie much… I still really enjoyed our meeting.”

 

He smiled at me, all pearly white teeth and positive energy and I knew that he was happy again. “I feel the same. Next week should be better for both of us; it’s a comedy, one of my favorites, so there shouldn’t be any triggers from the film to set me down the path of my self-deprecating insecurities. So if we get lucky maybe our next discussion can actually be fun instead of depressing self reflection.”

 

“Somehow I think I'll end up enjoying myself no matter what the topic is; but I’m sure I’ll like the assignment a lot if the film is one of your favorites.”

 

He pushed his glasses up his nose, grinning down at me. “I really think you will. Same time next week?” I readjusted my messenger bag as I nodded, already feeling a little excited as the prospect. He pointed at my essay as I stuffed it into my bag. “You got full marks by the way.”

 

“I'm sorry?”

 

“On your essay. I gave you full credit.”

 

I bowed slightly again. “Thank you Sungyeol-sshi. I’m not sure if I deserve it, but I am grateful nonetheless.”

 

He clapped me on the shoulder. “I told you that I look forward to your papers the most, and you haven’t disappointed me so far so I think you earned it. Have a good weekend, yeah?”

 

“I will. And you should enjoy yourself too! Don't work too hard while helping your friend.”

 

Sungyeol laughed, making his way back to his office. “Trust me, that won't be a problem.” He spun in the doorway to wave goodbye and I returned the gesture. I got a couple steps further when his voice rang out again. “Myungsoo-yah!”

 

He caught up with me, a curious sort of smile on his face. “Here!” I looked at his face in confusion and I felt him nudge my stomach. I looked down to find him holding out a jacket, and I stared at it wordlessly. “Take it!” He chuckled, pushing it towards me again. “Come on, I want you to."

 

“But… why?”

 

“I told you it wouldn’t do if you got sick!”

 

I stared down at the light jacket, gripping the soft cloth in my hands. “But I don’t want you to get sick either. I can’t take this from you Sungyeol-sshi.” I tried to hand it back to him but he refused to take it from me.

 

“Don't be silly Myungsoo-yah. It would make me feel better if you wore it; it’s windy outside and you’re wearing short sleeves. I’ve got a sweater on so I’ll be fine. And this isn’t a request, it’s an order! That I can totally force you to follow with my professor powers.” I laughed at his joke, probably too loudly but he smiled warmly at me anyway.

 

“Well I can’t say no to that kind of logic.”

 

He made no move to go back to his office, and we shifted around nervously for a couple moments, until he couldn’t take the silence anymore. “Well, I’m not going to leave until you put it on!”

 

“Oh, right!” I unfolded the jacket, sliding my arms into the sleeves and shrugging it on. It wasn’t a perfect fit, the sleeves were just a tad bit too long but it worked well enough.

 

He brushed off my shoulder with a smile. “Doesn’t look as good on you as it does on me…” I laughed again at his teasing and he was positively beaming. “But it’ll do. You can just return it to me next Friday, yeah?”

 

I nodded, wrapping it a little closer to my body. “I will. Thanks again Sungyeol-sshi.” He shrugged it off like it wasn’t a big deal, pushing his long hair back as he waived goodbye for the last time before disappearing into his office.

 

I slowly made my way out of the building, my mind completely consumed with him; the way he laughed and smiled at me, the way he so selflessly offered me his jacket. I pushed my hands into the pockets as I exited the building, the wild realization that Sungyeol’s own pretty hands had probably done the same thing tons of times almost making me dizzy. He had kept his body warm in this jacket and when I breathed in deep I could almost identify the scent of his detergent, a clean sort of smell that came with freshly done laundry. It made sense considering the season, and the fact that he had probably washed this jacket simply so he could wear it today spoke volumes about his way of thinking. He must have been the type to think ahead, check the weather and plan his day accordingly. I felt almost giddy; it was as if I was discovering little pieces of him, uncovering little quirks that made up the puzzle of his personality.

 

Despite the lack of sunshine and the wind swirling around me, I couldn’t help but feel happy. There had been that moment, when there was nothing but the sound of us breathing and all I could see were his deep brown eyes magnified by the frames, when I had felt that spark; a tangible connection forming between the two of us. Something had shifted today; I couldn’t put my finger on it or even try to explain exactly what that thing was, but I knew that we both had felt it.

 

The sounds of my nonsensical laughter were carried away by the wind, and I knew I must have looked ridiculous to the students passing me by, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I wrapped the jacket tighter around myself, delighting in the knowledge that he had given me something of his, had trusted me enough to return it and take care of it properly. I knew that I was being irrational, maybe even looking too deeply into his actions. He could have simply just been concerned for my health as my teacher. But as I made my way home, just for a little while, I let myself dream that maybe it was for a different reason entirely. I let myself believe that Sungyeol gave me the jacket, shared such a personal story, smiled at me like I deserved all the attention in the world simply because he cared.

* * *

A/N: so much inspiration while writing :)  
  



	3. week three

**six.**   


 

“I’m so excited! I’ve missed you so much Myungie! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever and ever and ever!” The sweet voice rang through my ears, and I felt my mood lift instantly after seeing my best friend again.

 

“Well maybe if someone wasn’t so busy with his fancy internship, we could Skype more!” I complained halfheartedly, getting comfortable in front of my TV.

 

Dongwoo decided to ignore my teasing. “Aish, you should be proud of me. My boss says that I’m the intern to beat.”

 

“I am proud Dongwoo! I’m just slightly bitter at your lack of attention to our friendship.”

 

He scoffed. “Please! I know you're not so brokenhearted! You’ve barely texted me over the past couple of weeks and judging by your appearance, you haven’t been moping. I’m happy that I was right, again, and that you are enjoying your summer course so much.”

 

“Don’t get too cocky now; as you predicted, this film class isn't too demanding and it’ll be a nice little boost to my GPA.”

 

Dongwoo's face lit up. “Oh, have you gotten some of your essays back?”

 

I grinned sheepishly back at him. “Yeah… so far I’ve gotten 100% on both of them.”

 

He clapped happily, his pink hair bouncing. “Myungie that’s great! You’ve always been good at school but I’m still proud of you for doing so well in a brand new subject!”

 

I laughed at his enthusiasm. “I swear you're my biggest fan. What would I do without you?”

 

“I don’t know, maybe collapse under the weight of your crippling self doubts and seemingly unshakable depression?”

 

“Okay, that was more of a rhetorical question. Gosh, why don’t you tell me how you really feel!”

 

Dongwoo's face scrunched up as he laughed. “I’m just kidding Myungie! You know we were both there for each other when we needed it.” He dramatically placed a hand on his chest. “I’m just worried that you’ll grow up and realize that you don’t need me anymore.”

 

“Yah, quit with your pouting! And don’t be silly you know I’ll always need my best friend.”

 

He grinned at me, his eye smile prominent. “Good! I’ll always need you too!”

 

“You better. How is LA anyway?”

 

Dongwoo thought a while before answering. “LA is… hot?”

 

“Hot? Seriously? You’ve been working for almost a month and that’s the only adjective you can come up with?”

 

“Fun?” Dongwoo added cheekily.

 

I chuckled at his silliness. “I guess fun is better than hot. I'm just happy that you’re doing well and making a good impression.”  

 

Dongwoo shrugged his shoulders. “You know me, I might seem a little odd at first, but eventually I win over people’s hearts!”

 

“I know that better than anyone.”

 

He winked at me, that familiar giggling of his flowing through my speakers. “Of course you do Myungie! Now let’s watch this movie already! Heath Ledger is seriously hot in this! Now that I think about it I’ve always liked guys with curlier hair…”

 

I shook my head at him, picking up the remote to turn on the DVD player. “You are seriously so _weird._ ”

 

“Hey, just because you refuse to appreciate your curls doesn’t mean others will do the same! Embrace it Myungie!”

 

I chose to ignore him before he could start on one of his philosophical rants or begin quoting old proverbs again. “I get it, I get it. I’m at the title menu! Are you ready?”

 

“Yup! Press play in 3,2,1!”

 

* * *

 

I clutched onto the handle of the bag carefully, making sure not to jostle its contents inside too much. It was easier said than done, considering the fact that my legs wanted to move faster so I could get there sooner. My impatience made the trek to campus practically unbearable as I forced myself to walk at a more leisurely pace.

 

I ended up being early anyway, having figured out from the past couple of weeks that Sungyeol didn’t have an appointment directly before mine. A smile was dominating my face, and my heart was already racing at the prospect of seeing Sungyeol again. Sure enough the door to my professor’s office was already open, as if inviting me in.

 

“Sungyeol-sshi! I brought you-” The words died in my throat; instead of seeing the bright eyes and gummy smile I had so looked forward to, I was greeted by another man. The man seemed completely comfortable in the chair behind Sungyeol’s desk, and to make matters worse, he was beautiful _._

 

He had long black hair, almost similar to my own, but his was noticeably layered to give it some volume. He was in a dark pair of jeans and a dangerously low cut v-neck, showing off accentuating his broad chest and strong arms. He had pale skin and a defined jaw; his styled bangs swooped above curious eyes that were currently set on me. “As you can see I’m not Sungyeol.”

 

I bowed, my eyes flickering to the room number to verify that yes, I was in the right place, but the look he was giving me made me doubt myself. “I’m sorry, I had a meeting… I’m one of his students. I must have arrived earlier than I thought.”

 

“You’re one of his students? But you said Sungyeol-sshi when you walked in. Shouldn't you call him seonsaengnim?”

 

I felt undeniably flustered now, my body feeling small and out of place in the doorway in front of this unexpected person. His eyes were trained on my face, studying my reactions and I could tell that he was enjoying making me feel unsettled, but I didn’t understand why. I didn’t know if it was against the rules for me to call Sungyeol by his name in front of others, and I didn’t want anyone to think that I didn’t respect him. But any sort of logical defense was disappearing before I could properly put it into words.

 

“He is my seonsaengnim. I respect him and I enjoy his class. Please don’t misunderstand. He asked me to call him by his name.”

 

“Interesting.” He lifted a fist to cover his mouth, one of his long fingers tracing over his lips. “That’s very interesting. Is that because you are the same age?”

 

I felt helpless again as I realized that no, I didn’t even know how old Sungyeol was. Here I thought we had grown close these past couple of weeks, but now that I was standing in front of someone new, someone who obviously knew Sungyeol well, I realized that I barely knew Sungyeol at all.

 

I bowed again, hoping that I wasn’t offending this person. “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t know his age. We’ve only seen each other for this class, so I don’t know anything about his personal life really.” I wasn’t quite sure if that statement was true, and judging by the look on the man’s face neither was he.

 

“Hmm.” His eyes flickered over me, as he took in my answer and apparently deciding whether to believe it or not. His eyes settled on my hands, and I subconsciously tightened my grip on the handle of the bag I had been carrying. “You brought him something? What reason could a student have for bringing a present?” He asked.

 

I looked anxiously to the floor, hoping to avoid his gaze, and I suddenly felt a surge of panic go through me. I wasn’t even sure why this man made me feel so uneasy, but everything about him, his questions, his tone, his _face_ was intimidating. It was as though he meant to make me feel uncomfortable and I hated it so much. This wasn’t what I was expecting to walk into this afternoon, and I wasn’t at all happy with this sudden change.

 

“It’s not a present, I’m just returning something.” I suddenly felt like crying; when I realized how stupid I was for going to such lengths to bring Sungyeol something. This guy was right; I was just one of his students and the fact that I was so excited to see Sungyeol and bringing him gifts was just pathetic. I shifted in the doorway, wanting nothing more than to run away without looking back.

 

“Well if you’re just returning something, then I can take it for you. I’ll make sure it gets to him.”

 

“ _No_.” He raised his eyebrows at me in surprise at my slightly sharp tone. “I mean, thank you for offering, but I don’t mind holding onto it. Sung- I mean, seonsaengnim should be here soon anyway for our meeting and I can just give it to him then.”

 

“What’s your name?”

 

“K-Kim Myungsoo.”

 

The guys face immediately split into a grin at the mention of my name. His smile made him look like the Cheshire cat, as if he had successfully stolen a piece of cheese without getting caught in the trap. “You… are Kim Myungsoo.” He motioned to the chair in front of him. “Then by all means, please come sit down Kim Myungsoo. I didn’t realize who I was speaking with.”

 

I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, or why he had suddenly changed his body language to welcome me into the office. I glanced over at the clock. There wasn’t too much time left until my meeting and hopefully Sungyeol would be back soon. I hesitantly walked into the room, shrugging my book bag off my shoulder to rest it on the floor. I sat down on the edge of the chair, unable to relax or let go of the handle of the Sungyeol's gift. The grin still hadn’t left the stranger's face, and I squirmed in my seat under his attention.

 

“The Kim Myungsoo. I can’t believe I’m seeing you live and in the flesh.”

 

Before I could even start to form a question about his last statement, a loud familiar voice was drifting through the air and the silhouette of the too-long limbs was bursting into the office.

 

“Hyung, I’m-” Sungyeol stopped abruptly, his eyes flickering back and forth between the two of us before he finished the sentence in a much quieter voice. “Back.”

 

The guy, apparently Sungyeol’s hyung, kicked his legs up on Sungyeol’s desk, crossing his feet at his ankles. “Well look who decided to grace us with his presence.” He turned to look at me with a smile. “I’ve just had the pleasure of meeting your favorite student, Kim Myungsoo.”

 

“Favorite?” My ears perked up at the word and Sungyeol walked further into the room to push his hyung’s legs off of the desk.

 

“Myungsoo-yah, I’m not sure what this man has said to you, but it would probably be best if you disregard all of it.”

 

The man looked scandalized. “ _Hey,_ I’ll have you know that I’ve barely said anything at all. Unfortunately, you showed up before I could have any real fun.”

 

Sungyeol’s face twisted into a tight-lipped smile. “Then apparently I came at just the right moment. Thank you for keeping an eye on my office, but I’d like it back now.”

 

It was interesting and sad all at once watching Sungyeol interact with someone else; the two of them were clearly friendly considering the way they spoke with one another. I realized that I had never seen Sungyeol’s attention be focused on someone besides me, I had gotten used to the bubble that existed when the two of us spent time together alone in his office. Of course he would have other friends… other _interests_ in men that weren’t me. Watching the two of them exchange words, touching one another as Sungyeol ushered him out of his desk, just made me understand just how close they must be.

 

Even when Sungyeol had managed to reclaim his chair, the guy had perched on the end of his desk, leaning back to rest on his hands as he faced Sungyeol. I wondered if Sungyeol noticed the way the guy's arms flexed when he did that or if Sungyeol liked the way the guy’s bangs fell into his eyes when he tipped his head to the side. I hated myself for noticing, for being so jealous over a simple conversation; one that I couldn’t even follow with all the negative thoughts swirling in my head. Of course someone as beautiful as Sungyeol had other beautiful people interested in him. It was foolish of me to think that our meetings were as important to him as they were to me. Especially when he had other options that looked like _that._

 

And furthermore, why was I even entertaining the idea of being an option for Sungyeol? I’m just one of his students, I’m not his friend, and clearly I won’t be anything more than that as long as he has people like this in his life.

 

The more I looked at him the more similar I realized we were; well, maybe in only the most basic of terms. Although we both had a jet-black hairstyle and a light complexion, he seemed to surpass me in all of the other ways. Maybe it was just the liner, but his wide set eyes seemed more alluring, the nearly black color, which looked boring on me, gave him a mysterious aura, and the thick eyelashes didn’t do me any favors. And then there was his long nose, his defined cheekbones on top of a razor-sharp jawline, the naturally pink full lips that seemed to never stop smiling at Sungyeol. I just wanted him to _stop_ looking at Sungyeol.

 

A hand grabbed onto my shoulder, shaking me slightly to get my attention. But I could tell from the size and force of the grip that it didn’t belong to the person I wanted it to. I looked up to see the two of them staring at me. “Yes?” I asked impatiently.

 

Sungyeol appeared to be slightly worried. “I’ve been calling your name, Myungsoo-yah. Are you okay?”

 

“Yes, Myungsoo-yah. Are you okay?” He seemed to be mocking Sungyeol’s tone, which earned him a firm slap on the thigh from the professor.

 

“I’m sorry, I must have zoned out for a brief moment.” I looked down to my lap nervously, shifting the handle around in my grip.

 

“No, you’re fine. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here when you arrived, and that you had to deal with this annoying hyung.”

 

The accused dramatically rolled his eyes at Sungyeol’s words. “I am _not_ annoying. And it’s only fair that he had to wait on you this week, since I had to wait on you last Friday.”

 

Oh. _Oh._ So this was the friend that Sungyeol had left to meet at the end of our session last week. For some reason that knowledge made my stomach lurch, and I was beginning to regret even coming to the appointment today.

 

“The name’s Lee Joon by the way. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you soon Kim Myungsoo.” Joon smiled at me teasingly, his sharp teeth biting into his lips and I shivered under his gaze. He winked at Sungyeol, who stood up to practically push him to the door.

 

“You most certainly will not hyung, and please keep your distance in the future, do you understand?” He gave Joon a pointed look but the guy couldn’t stop grinning.

 

“No, I don’t actually. I thought you were the type to welcome a little comp-” Sungyeol placed his hand over Joon’s mouth.

 

“One more word and I _swear._ ” Joon lifted his hands in surrender and Sungyeol reluctantly let him go.

 

“Gosh, someone is being a little sensitive today! Just try to be on time tonight, I’ve got an early morning tomorrow.”

 

Sungyeol scoffed at him. “Good to know that you’re so thankful for my help. I’ll get there when I get there, and don’t bother calling me before because I’ll be busy.” Joon’s eyes shifted in my direction.

 

“Right. _Busy._ ” He looked back at Sungyeol, who was literally holding the door open, just waiting to close it. “Fine, I’ll take a hint. I’ll give you some alone time. Ouch!” Sungyeol had pinched him, and Joon laughed anyway. “I’m going, I’m going. Bye Myungsoo-yah! And try not to have too much fun with him Sungyeol!” He walked away quickly before Sungyeol could do any further damage.

 

As Sungyeol closed the door behind his hyung, all I could think about was the fact that once our meeting was over he would go to see Joon again. I wondered if he wanted to be here with me at all; I was probably a nuisance, I shouldn’t have picked this timeslot, and now I was inadvertently ruining his plans.

 

“I’m so sorry about that delay, now let me just grab your essay. Ah, here we are. I told you that you’d enjoy this one! It’s nice to have a little bit of comedy in our lives, right? Now tell me what you thought about _10 Things I Hate About You._ ” His eyes were warm behind his frames, staring at me with an encouraging smile.

 

“I really liked it.” Sungyeol paused, clearly waiting for me to continue, but the silence stretched on. I was usually a chatterbox the moment I got in front of Sungyeol, but today the words just didn't come. I could tell he was surprised by the sudden change in my behavior, his fingers nervously playing with the edges of the paper in front of him.

 

“Alright… well what exactly did you like about it?” Sungyeol tried to prompt me to continue talking, but I couldn’t sort my thoughts enough to reply properly.

 

“It was funny, like you said it would be. I can see why it’s one of your favorites.”

 

Sungyeol sighed, taking off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. “Myungsoo-yah, those are my thoughts. I want to hear your opinions. Of course your essay was written perfectly, but I’d like you to tell me more specifically what you enjoyed about the film. Not what you think I want to hear. If you didn’t enjoy it as much as you made it seem like you did in your essay, that’s okay. I’d hate to think that you're suppressing your own critiques just because you think it would offend me if you didn't enjoy the movie as much as I did.”

 

I let out a frustrated sigh, unhappy that I wasn't expressing myself the way I wanted to. “No, I did enjoy it! Honestly, I really did like it. My mind is just not in the right place right now. Sungyeol-sshi, maybe we should just reschedule.” He actually looked confused by my words.

 

“You want to reschedule? Are you not feeling well?” He reached over to try to feel my forehead but I flinched away. I was surprised and upset to see that he looked slightly hurt that I avoided his touch.

 

“I… I’m not sure. Maybe I should just go. I understand if this will impact my grade negatively, but I don’t want to waste your time when you have other people- other places you could to be.” 

 

His eyes narrowed at me. “Myungsoo-yah… if this is about earlier with Joon hyung-”

 

“It’s not just that. It was rude of me to pick Friday afternoons in the first place. It was obvious that I didn’t look at your office hours and pick a proper timeslot. We can start meeting at a different time, one that’s more convenient for you so I can stop messing up your plans.”

 

“Messing up my plans?” Sungyeol folded his hands, letting out a heavy sigh. “Myungsoo-yah, I told you that I look forward to our meetings. Joon hyung is an amazing actor and someone I look up to, but that’s all. Even if I complain about him, the truth is that he’s doing me a favor by letting me practice lines with him. But he also has to respect the fact that I have other priorities, and I can’t just come running whenever he decides to call.”

 

“Priorities?” I asked, intrigued by the choice of words.

 

Sungyeol laughed. “You silly! You’re most definitely one of my priorities. Even if it wasn’t hyung’s place to tell you, he wasn’t lying when he said that you were my favorite student. I genuinely enjoy our time together, I would have hoped that, by now, you would know that.”

 

“But it’s like you said… your hyung is talented and he’s so handsome and I’m just a bother-”

 

Sungyeol reached out, grabbing my hand firmly as he stared into my eyes. “You are _not_ a bother. Please, if you only take one thing away from our meeting today, please believe that.”

 

I shook my head, staring at the floor with frustration. “I just feel kind of silly. I was looking forward to today because I knew we would get to discuss one of your favorites, and I even brought you this stupid gift-”

 

“You brought me a gift?”

 

I realized belatedly that I had never given him my present, having been so caught off guard by the interaction between him and Joon. But now he was staring at me with inquisitively eyes and I couldn’t exactly take the words back. I pulled up the bag, placing it delicately in front of him on his desk.

 

“You’ll probably think it’s really immature, and I already kind of regret doing this-”

 

“No, let me take a look first before you say anything else. I’m sure I’ll love it since you are giving it to me.” He reached into the bag, pulling out the item he had loaned me last week. “Oh, my jacket! I honestly had already forgotten about it. It feels so soft and-” He brought it to his nose, taking a deep breath in and making a noise of contentment. “It smells really, really good.”

 

“I got it dry cleaned for you. Since I was really thankful you let me borrow it, so I wanted to make sure I returned it in good condition.”

 

Sungyeol laughed, setting the jacket on the backside of his chair. “Myungsoo-yah, you returned it in _better_ condition. That was so sweet of you to do that, but I feel guilty that you spent money on me.”

 

I ran a hand through my hair sheepishly. “Then you probably shouldn’t look at what else is inside the bag.”

 

Sungyeol obviously had every intention of doing just that, his long arms already reaching in and pulling out a brightly colored box. He pushed the bag out of the way, making room for the little box on his desk. “It already looks cute! Pink is actually my favorite color! I wonder what’s inside.” He sang out, carefully lifting open the lid. He stared at the contents inside for a couple of seconds in shock, before his eyes drifted up to mine. “Myungsoo-yah, this is-”

 

I stood up abruptly from my seat. “I know, _I know._ I am suddenly realizing how dumb it was of me to get you that, but I was just really honored that you trusted me with something that belonged to you, and you’ve been so nice to me this entire semester, and I just wanted to show you how grateful I am, and I just-”

 

“Myungsoo-yah, it’s okay. Actually, it’s more than okay. This is wonderful.” He smiled, that real smile of his that was big and toothy and I felt my heart start to soar again. “Honestly, this is the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a really long time.”  

 

I sank back to my seat, suddenly feeling ten times lighter just knowing that he liked my gift. “Really?”

 

He nodded enthusiastically. “Really. I absolutely _adore_ macarons. And there are so many flavors-”

 

“Chocolate mousse, green tea, strawberry mint, honey lavender, salted caramel, rose, orange blossom, pistachio, lemon, red bean, vanilla, and coffee… in that order, from left to right to be exact.” I rattled off the list from memory, delighting in the way his smile got bigger with each flavor. “I figured the assorted dozen was the best way to go because I wasn’t really sure what flavors you liked and I didn’t want you to be disappointed-”

 

He grabbed my hand again, making me stop my sentence in my tracks. “Myungsoo-yah, disappointment is the furthest thing from my mind. I’m so… incredibly happy that you did this nice thing for me. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any sweeter, you even wrote the flavors on the lid as a guide, like even your handwriting is cute. Oh my god, did you draw these emoticons?”

 

“I did… I just thought maybe you’d like them. Or maybe it would help you choose which flavor to try first…” I knew I must have looked like an idiot, blushing in front of him after giving him _that,_ but he seemed to be completely thrilled.

 

“This is probably one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen. You’re so adorable.”

 

I was practically squirming in my chair, I didn’t know how to handle his praise and the sparkling eyes and that smile all at once, especially knowing it was all because of me. “Ah… Sungyeol-sshi, you’re too kind. Please, you’re making me feel embarrassed.”

 

“But it’s true! Look at this one, he’s so excited to see the strawberry! Oh, and this one looks so happy to have chocolate, and look at the one with the spazzy eyes next to coffee!”

 

“Right… cause you know how coffee has a lot of caffeine, so I tried to give off an energetic vibe with the eyes... It’s seriously-”

 

“Amazing!" He finished the sentence for me, turning the box to the side so I could access it too. "Come on, we have to eat these together! You pick first, well, any flavor but coffee, because that one’s my favorite. Sorry I'm selfish, but I _really_ like coffee.”

 

"No, please take it. I'm just excited that you legitimately like any of the flavors." I stared at the box for a long moment, before looking up to him for guidance. “How about you just give me the one you like the least?”

 

Sungyeol was already biting into his coffee macaron, the little crumbles clinging to his lips until his tongue slipped out to swipe them away. He held up a hand to cover his mouth as he chewed. “Oh, I’m so impolite. I’m sorry I just couldn’t wait. And I seriously like them _all,_ so just pick one that looks good to you!”

                

“Okay. Maybe I’ll try the vanilla?”

 

“Vanilla? That’s so boring Myungsoo-yah. Be bold! Pick a flavor that represents you!”

 

“Probably lemon then. My life seems to be sour lately.” I didn’t realize how downcast my words were until I spoke them, and I immediately regretted saying what I was thinking out loud. I tried to cover it up, hoping that the atmosphere between us hadn't been ruined. “I was just joking Sungyeol-sshi.”

 

“You weren’t.” He looked at me seriously, and I suddenly felt very exposed. But then a smile came over his face again as he held the cookie in front of his mouth. “But that’s okay Myungsoo-yah. You may be lemon now, but I think by the end of the semester I can make you an orange blossom, bright and open. Or maybe a honey lavender, sweet and pretty.”

 

I was sure I was red now with the way his eyes lingered on my face as he wished for me to be _pretty_ of all things. I was mesmerized as I watched him eat the rest of his first macaron, the slight shine on his full lips and the sounds of contentment at the taste enough to make me feel thankful that I was sitting, because I was pretty sure he was making my knees weak. “Maybe I should start realistically and work my way up from there. I can have the chocolate mousse?”

 

“Mmmm, chocolate mousse.” Sungyeol hummed, his pretty fingers reaching into the colorful box. “I think it's a fitting flavor for you now.”

 

“Why is that?” I tried not to let my hand shake as I reached out to take the macaron from his palm.

 

“Because you’re my guilty pleasure.” My hand stopped midway and all I could do was stare into those beautifully brown eyes.

 

“M-maybe you should eat it then.” I whispered, and a curious sort of smile played on his lips.

 

“Maybe I should.” He raised it to his mouth, but stopped when it was only an inch away from his lips. “On second thought, we should share it. It’s not as bad if we both indulge, right?”

 

My heart was beating so hard in my chest, I wouldn't have been surprised if he could hear it. “R-right.” He smiled again, licking his lips as he broke the delicacy in half. As he handed it over to me our fingers brushed, and just feeling his warmth made me clutch my knee to make it stop shaking.

 

He popped his half of the macaron into his mouth, pulling out my essay from underneath the box as he swallowed it down. “ _So._ Now that we got all that settled, tell me your favorite part of the movie.”

 

I didn't understand how he could be so calm, when I was so clearly not. But he was enjoying my gift and smiling at me and just being so generally _wonderful_ that I probably would have done anything he suggested. "You want to talk about the movie?"

 

He laughed, throwing his head back and covering his mouth. "Yes, Myungsoo-yah! That's why you're here!"

 

Yes. I was here for class, not to share dessert and playful smiles with my professor. Although, I didn't mind doing that in the slightest. "Right. Of course. So where should I begin?"

 

Sungyeol scooted up in his chair, pushing his glasses slightly up the bridge of his nose. "Well, how about you start with your favorite scene in the film?"

 

“Oh, that's easy. The big romantic gesture.” His hand paused as he reached into the box; the fullness of his cheeks prominent as he smiled.

 

“Is that so?”

 

I shrugged my shoulders. “You know, the fact that Patrick was willing to do something so huge in front of the whole school, singing that song and dancing in the bleachers to capture his crush's attention, was basically willing to make himself look like an idiot just to impress someone he liked…” I looked shyly down at my hands, taking a small bite of my cookie. “I just think that’s brave.”

 

He selected the rose macaron from the box, twirling it in his fingers as he beamed at me from across the desk. “It is Myungsoo-yah. It really is.” He started to laugh, taking a bite from the cookie as he played with the edges of my essay again.

 

“What? Was it something I said?” Even if he was laughing I could tell that it was a happy kind of laughter, that he was amused with my words.

 

“No, well yes.” The perfect teeth bit his bottom lip as he gathered his thoughts. “It's not that I thought what you said was funny." He smiled, his eyes shining behind the frames. "It’s just… that’s my favorite part of the film too.”

* * *

A/N: in case you didn't know, this is Lee Joon.  
  
So... it's understandable that Myungsoo had a little moment of crippling insecurity.  
(why does sungyeol have a hot hyung, life isn't fair, lemme cry)  
the cutest food ever--> <\-- L's coffee macaron eyes!  
But I wouldn't worry too much Myungsoo, it looks like your crush might have just started flirting with you!


	4. week four

**six.**   


 

Although my apartment did boast a prime location, I couldn’t exactly brag about the rest of my living arrangement. It was a small studio unit, only one bedroom and one bathroom, because I didn’t exactly _need_ more space than that. But even if I wasn’t the biggest fan of my too small kitchen or cramped excuse of a living room, I did have a soft spot for my bedroom. It was almost like my sanctuary, the place where I spent the most of my time that I felt the most comfortable; the most _safe_.

 

After graduation I barely left my bed, surrounding myself in warm blankets with my curtains drawn closed as if that would make the reality of the outside world disappear. I tried to ignore everything outside of my room, _everyone_ and the saddest part was it never worked. Opening my eyes each morning felt like a chore, something as simple as breathing felt difficult with the crushing realization that the person I thought loved me never did.

 

But now, my shades were pulled and my windows were wide open, letting the sunlight stream in and light up the room around me. This morning I was actually excited to wake up, I had a purpose for getting out of bed and that made the world of difference.

 

Sometimes even I couldn’t believe how fast things could change; a little more than a month ago I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed, I could barely even eat and yet here I was, actively leaving my apartment on my own accord just to go out and experience the world around me.

 

Today I had lunch downtown at my favorite ramen shop, a hole in the wall kind of place that Dongwoo and I used to frequent together when he was my roommate. I liked it because the interior was bright and cheery, the atmosphere casual and relaxed so I didn’t feel any awkwardness eating alone. I ordered the seafood ramen, which was actually Dongwoo’s favorite, because I was feeling nostalgic; even adding the extra slice of cheese to make the broth creamier just the way he liked it.

 

As I ate the food my mind wandered back to the old days, times when the two of us were stressed out and overwhelmed with exams and what seemed like the never ending need to study. This shop was our indulgence spot, the place we would go when we wanted to have a couple hours away from our responsibilities and just have a good time together. That was one of the things I loved about Dongwoo; he was able to make me step away to see the big picture, to realize that obsessing over things I couldn’t control was unhealthy and that sometimes what I needed more than anything was just a little bit of fun.

 

At first I was nervous about going out by myself; I was worried that seeing other people having fun together would make me feel lonely. But over the past couple weeks I found that it actually had the opposite effect, going out and experiencing the world outside of my little apartment reminded me that there were still things to be happy about, even if it was something as small as a nice sunny day or a tasty bowl of ramen. There were still things to live for, even if he wasn’t by my side anymore, and for a while I had forgotten that.

 

But lately, I just felt this desire to _live,_ to experience things and to stop being so careful about holding back. I knew that deep down I was still unbearably shy and sometimes cripplingly self-conscious, but I didn’t want to be that way forever. I wanted to grow, I wanted to be interesting, to be the best _me_ that I could be. Maybe once I was okay with myself, then other people would be okay with me too.

 

I smiled down at my food, swirling my chopsticks around the noodles absentmindedly. Even I couldn’t fool myself anymore; the person I wanted to be different for was blaringly obvious. I wasn’t sure when my meaningless crush had started to morph into something else entirely, but it _had._ Just a simple smile on his face, the brown eyes lighting up behind those frames as his mouth spread into a grin… I shook my head as if that would clear my thoughts; this wasn’t normal. It wasn’t _normal_ to be so completely infatuated with another person so quickly. I was entirely aware of how completely ridiculous I was and yet I couldn’t stop myself. Just a couple hours in his presence was enough to make my head spin, for my heart to long for him until I could see him again the next week.

 

Maybe all of this was stupid, maybe I was setting myself for failure but for once I couldn’t bring myself to really care. Right now seeing Sungyeol every week, talking with him about anything at all, sitting with him in his office, just simply being in his presence was enough to make me happy. I was happier now than I had been in a long time, and the only thing that was for certain was that it was all because of Sungyeol.

 

Last week felt like the start of something; sharing macarons and even sweeter stories, smiling shyly at each other each time a glance lasted a bit too long. I couldn’t exactly define what was happening between us, but I knew it was _something_ and just the idea of being important to Sungyeol someday was enough to make me blush.

 

 _You’ve been wrong before Myungsoo. So horribly, horribly wrong._ My thoughts were quick to remind me of just how terrible I was when it came to reading people, to understanding what they wanted from me. The saddest part was that I was aware of it, I knew how helpless I was when it came to things like this, but I was unable to stop myself. The only thing that was for certain was that Sungyeol was a genuinely nice person; he was probably this open and outgoing with all of his students.

 

I wasn’t special. I had never been special enough for anyone to stick around.

 

And yet I let myself dream for a small moment, even if I knew that realistically nothing would probably happen between my professor and me, that didn’t mean I couldn’t play make believe. And so I let myself pretend for a brief while, closing my eyes so I could imagine that his elegant hands were holding my waist, and if I concentrated hard enough I could almost feel those beautifully pink lips pressing against my own in a kiss. I wanted him, not just his touches, but also his smiles and his comforting words that were capable of making my previously dull days bright again.

 

I opened my eyes, returning to the real world and my now lukewarm bowl of ramen. Even if I would like nothing more than to daydream about him, I could almost hear his voice in my ear. _You need to eat Myungsoo-yah. It wouldn’t do if you wasted your lunch._

 

“Pathetic.” I pulled my chopsticks out of my bowl, resting them on the tip of my lips; sometimes even I couldn’t handle just how extensively Sungyeol permeated my thoughts.

 

“Was there something wrong with your meal sir? Would you like a fresh bowl from the kitchen?” The sudden voice startled me, but it turned out to be just one of the shop workers. She must have been cleaning off the table next to me; I hadn’t even realized I whispered the insult out loud. I felt bad for giving her the wrong impression.

 

“Oh no, it’s delicious.” I bowed slightly, even taking a small bite as if that would further prove my point. “I really like this shop, honestly. Could I actually have a couple sticky notes?”

 

She regarded me a bit suspiciously, but reached in her apron nonetheless. I took the offered notes with an appreciative smile, before focusing back on my meal. The small bite was enough to reawaken my hunger, and I finally started to indulge in my delicious meal. About halfway through I took a moment to breathe (and to gulp down half of my water, I had forgotten how spicy Dongwoo liked his ramen) reaching into my book bag to pull out my novel of the week.

 

Ever since _The Outsiders_ I had taken an interest in books of the same nature, and it was actually quite enjoyable to research the internet to find them. It made smile to think that there were people all over the world who endured the same hardships of growing up, and who came out on the other side stronger. This week’s novel was from Japan and I felt moderately proud of myself for being able to read through the original version instead of the Korean (might as well put those four semesters of foreign language to use, right?) of _Norwegian Wood._

 

As I started to read through the pages while casually eating my meal, I began to get more and more convinced that this story wouldn’t have the happiest ending. The protagonist Toru had two objects of his affections; the beautifully outgoing Midori and the beautifully tragic Naoko. I couldn’t help but apply their characteristics to Sungyeol’s friend and myself. Even if I had only been around Joon for a couple mere minutes, he was clearly Midori; the fierce and confident love interest who makes Toru feel alive every time they meet. I was clearly Naoko; the person who he feels comfortable with, but has experienced such emotional trauma that the weight of it seemed crippling. I felt pretty confident with guess who Toru was going to end up with in the end.

 

And yet I continued to read. At first, at the beginning of the summer when Sungyeol was offering to give me extra movie suggestions, I asked for him only to refer me to movies with happy endings. He politely refused, and I’ll never forget his reason why.

 

_Just because a story doesn’t have a happy ending, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be told or that it’s not good. Sometimes sad stories are the most beautiful ones of all._

 

So I read on, flipping the pages at a steady pace as my bowl continued to get emptier. Even if I was Naoko and Toru choose Midori, Naoko was still important in his life. And maybe that’s what really mattered.

 

But maybe I didn’t want to be Naoko; not forever. Maybe I could grow, become someone else, become someone _better._ Maybe one day I could look back on these past couple of years and smile; maybe I’d be so happy and so in love that the heartbreaks would only be a memory.

 

My phone buzzed angrily on the counter, signaling that it was time for me to head home; I didn’t ever want to be late. I politely gave my empty dishes to the girl from earlier, and grabbed a pen from the cup in front of me to leave my hopes for the day. I left a note for each of the boys that had been on my mind since I had walked in the door on their favorite colors. I smoothed them onto the wall, sticking a pin in one of them for good measure. I took a picture of Dongwoo’s, texting it to him so he would have something nice to wake up to. The other picture was just for me, so I could remember this moment fondly.  

* * *

I brush a couple stray droplets of water out of my eyes; this is what I get for not managing my time better. I got a little distracted in the shower, the water soothing my thoughts and making me a bit lazy. I usually wasn’t one to linger in a shower, I preferred to get in and get out, but lately that had started to change. I found myself daydreaming nowadays, letting the steam rise up around me as I thought about teasing smiles and big brown eyes.

  
“Pathetic.” I whispered to myself again, but I still managed to laugh. I’m sure that I’m not the first person who’s stayed in the shower until the water ran cold because I was too busy thinking about my crush. But because of my treacherously wandering thoughts, I didn’t have anytime to fix my hair. I had to settle for throwing some gel in the wet strands, hoping that it wouldn’t frizz too badly once it dried.

 

I knew how hot it was outside after my visit to the ramen shop, so I opted for a pair of shorts. I hardly ever wore them, I didn’t even own a pair until Dongwoo forced me to buy some during a mall trip in the city last year. But now I was grateful for them, the slight breeze on my legs enough to make the heat a little more bearable. I paired it with a blue shirt, feeling casual and comfortable for my trip to campus.

 

By now I felt as if I could do the walk to his office in my sleep, my feet already leading me to where I needed to go without having to put much thought into it. Luckily, this time there was no teasing friend or distraction waiting inside my professor’s office. Sungyeol was alone, sitting behind his desk twirling a pen between those lovely fingers, staring out the window with a dreamy smile on his face. I almost didn’t want to interrupt him; he looked so beautifully serene, his chin resting on his palm as the pen spun effortlessly in his other hand.

 

He shook his head as if he was trying to clear his thoughts, running a hand through what I could only assume was silky hair, judging by the way his fingers combed through it so smoothly. I swallowed down the lump in my throat, reaching out to softly knock on the door.

 

I wasn’t sure how it was possible, but he seemed to become even more gorgeous as a huge smile lit up his face. “Finally, you’re here.”

 

I was blushing already, which was embarrassing but he actually sounded so happy to see me. I scratched my head a bit nervously. “Yeah… I would have been here sooner but I kind of lost track of things.” I tugged on my wet strands. “As you can see I didn’t even have time to dry my hair.”

 

“It looks good that way.” Sungyeol responded, almost a little too quickly and he played with the bridge of his glasses – a deep purple today – which was a gesture I had noticed he did when he seemed unsure of what to say next. “I just mean… I was just saying you don’t need to be self conscious about your hair. You look great Myungsoo-yah.” He finished with a smile, and I felt my stomach flip at the praise.

 

“T-thanks.” I looked down at my feet, leaning against the doorframe. “You look great today too. Not that you don’t other days. You always look great no matter what, but I just meant today especially. Because white is a good color for you. Yeah…” I trailed off lamely, wanting to run away after spilling my clearly unfiltered thoughts. 

 

Sungyeol didn’t seem to mind it. “Thank you. Blue is a good color for you.”

 

 _Do you realize what you are doing to me?_ I wanted to scream at him, his beautiful smile and too kind words making my heart beat erratically in my chest. I didn’t trust myself to answer, so I tried to make my way into his office. A delicate hand lifted up to stop me, and I halted in my tracks.

 

He stood up then, walking over to meet me at the doorway. He seemed to be very excited about something, there was almost a tangible energy pouring off of him. When stopped when he was standing directly in front of me, and I had to fight to keep my eyes on his face.

 

When we were close like this the height difference was more prominent, and I felt like I was shrinking in front of his beauty. He had a good couple of centimeters on me, all it would take was a simple lift of my chin and I would be at the perfect height to taste those lips. But right now I knew that Sungyeol wasn’t standing close for me to kiss him, he probably was expecting me to pay attention to what he was saying, not to get sidetracked by how wonderfully pink his perfect lips were. So I forced myself to stop thinking about how soft Sungyeol’s lips must feel and focus on the actual words coming out of his mouth.

 

“So I’ve been thinking about you all week… thinking about how I could repay you for last Friday-”

 

“It was a gift Sungyeol-sshi.” I cut him off, dragging my gaze away from his lips to look into his eyes. “I didn’t do anything of it in hopes that you would return the favor.”

 

Sungyeol rolled his eyes. “I know that Myungsoo-yah, you wouldn’t be _you_ if you were expecting me to give you something back. Sometimes I don’t think you realize how kind you really are.” He smiled softly at me, his eyes flickering over my face.

 

“It was nothing, really. I like doing nice things for you, I like making you happy…” _I like you Sungyeol-sshi._ It was what I really wanted to say, but I settled for thinking the words in my head so I wouldn’t ruin anything between us. It was better this way… it was safer if he thought that I was just trying to be polite.

 

He laughed, resting a warm hand on my shoulder. I could feel his body heat through the thin fabric of my shirt, and I had to stop myself from shivering at his touch. “Then I think you will love what I have planned Myungsoo-yah, because I like making you happy too.” His fingers slipped under the shoulder strap of my bag. “May I?”

 

 _You could do anything you want to me._ “S-sure.” I didn’t even know what he was asking, I’m not even sure if I cared, but the answer would inevitably be yes. He smiled at my compliance, lifting up on the strap to pull it over my head, effectively taking my bag away from me. I had a slight moment of panic, I didn’t want him to look inside; it would only take seconds for him to find incriminating notes with Sungyeol, hearts, and love struck emoticons scribbled onto them.

 

But my worry was for nothing, Sungyeol immediately retreated back to his desk, pulling out one of the larger drawers to deposit my bag inside. He shut it closed and grabbed his wallet, pushing it into the front pocket of his too tight slacks. I tried – and failed – to not look at his thighs.

 

“So I was thinking about your movie assignment for this week, and the idea of what we could do together just came to me.” He was bent over, shuffling through items on his desk, clearly looking for something. I tried not to let my eyes linger on the curve of his back as he looked through his stuff.

 

He made a noise of delight, holding up a key for me to see. “Here it is! I keep telling myself that one day I’ll put it on my keychain but here we are.” He chuckled, motioning for me to walk out the door with both of his hands.

 

“Sungyeol-sshi, I’m not sure I understand what is going on…” Not that I would be opposed to anything he had in mind, I just wasn’t sure what he was wanting me to do.

 

Sungyeol let out an audible sigh. “Silly me, I got too excited and forgot to explain myself.” He walked closer, softly pushing me out of his office so he could lock the door behind us. “So what we are doing today is directly related to your homework, but I want you to figure it out on your own.”

 

“But don’t we need my essay or my bag or-”

 

“Not at all! And when you forgive out why, it will all make perfect sense! And I’ve been waiting a chance to do something a little special with you, especially after the macarons.” He pocketed the key, turning to me with a blinding smile that made my knees feel weak. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to associate macarons with anything else but Sungyeol, and I didn’t think I would ever want to.

 

I knew I was blushing, I was still kind of crowding him by the door and he was smiling so sweetly at me and the words _guilty pleasure_ keep ringing in my ears and how was it possible that he was managing to make me like him even more by doing simply nothing at all?

 

“Myungsoo-yah, are you alright? You look really flushed. Actually, I’m pretty sure I have a water bottle in my office.” He was already fishing the key back out of his pocket and I reached for his wrist to stop him. It was then that I noticed that I was actually _touching_ him; I had initiated the contact and as I pondered this in my mind, I had yet to let go. He didn’t seem to be upset by it, he just paused in his actions, obviously waiting for me to continue.

 

I let go as if he had burned me, pulling my hand back and hiding it behind my back. “I’m sorry, I’m fine honestly. I don’t want you to go out of your way for me.”

 

Sungyeol bit his lip, his white teeth prominent against the pale pink. “It’s no trouble at all Myungsoo-yah. Grabbing a water bottle is nothing, I would do a lot more than that for you.”

 

 _Because I’m one of your students or because you care?_ But I never would have dared to ask him that, so I simply shook my head again.

 

“Well come on then, let’s go!” He grabbed onto my arm, leading me away from his office. I wasn’t really paying attention to where we were going, the soft hand wrapped around my bicep did a number on my concentration, and it wasn’t until I felt the warm heat on my skin that I realized we were heading outside.

 

“Wait, we are leaving the building? Is that… allowed?” I asked him, and Sungyeol laughed loudly, swinging an arm around my shoulders.

 

He leaned his head in, whispering lowly. “I’m not quite sure honestly. But if you don’t tell and I don’t tell, then it will just be our little secret, right?”

 

My blush must have reached my ears by now; it didn’t help at all that his voice got deeper when he whispered and his breath was lightly ghosting across my arm. The weight of his arm felt heavy across my shoulders and I couldn’t form words again, so I shook my head in agreement. He let go of me, which was probably for the best considering my difficulty breathing, with a simple pat on my back.

 

“Well, come on then! I’ve got the perfect place in mind!” I obediently followed his lead, but I was a half step behind him, as his long legs carried him just a bit faster than my own.

 

“Where are we going Sungyeol-sshi?” I asked him, my eyes glued to his wide shoulders and thin waist that were highlighted by the thin white material stretched over his back.

 

He stopped abruptly and I almost ran into him. Sungyeol turned to me with a smile that was so devastatingly handsome that my breath caught in my throat. “Do you trust me, Myungsoo-yah?”

 

“W-what?”

 

His smile seemed to get even bigger and he stepped into my comfort zone again. “Do you trust me?”

 

I had no idea what he meant, but I knew I could only answer one way. “Yes. I trust you Sungyeol-sshi.”

 

He licked his lips and turned back around, already setting off in the opposite direction. He tossed a look over his shoulder, grinning back at me. “Then I suggest you try to keep up.”

 

With that I jogged to catch up with him, moving a little faster than normal to keep in line with him. We walked together then and even though I didn’t know where we were going, I knew that I would follow him anywhere. And sometimes the backs of our hands would brush together as we walked further into town, so I stopped fighting the shiver in my body and the blush in my cheeks. Each time it happened I could see the smile grow on his cheeks out of the corner of my eye, and I had a feeling that Sungyeol-sshi wouldn’t want me to hide it anyway.

 

It was amazing, howdoingsomethingso simple and mundane could suddenly become the most exciting task in the world when you weren’t doing it alone. With my teacher by my side, suddenly I felt like anything was possible. From the moment he had whisked me away from campus, I knew I was going on a journey I wouldn’t be forgetting anytime soon.

 

The sun warm rays wrapped around my skin, the slight breeze coaxing a smile on my face. “Are you sure this is okay, Sungyeol? Just leaving like this?”

 

“I’m fairly confident that we’ll be okay.” He stepped closer to me, acting as if he was trying to hide behind my body. “Unless Mr. Rooney catches us, then we are real trouble.”

 

“Mr. Rooney? What does he look like?” I asked, my eyes already darting around to look for our supposed pursuer.

 

“White guy in a grey suit and red tie. Light red hair and a wicked mustache. And for some reasons, dogs really don’t like him.”

 

I stopped in my steps, turning to look at him with a grin. “Are you talking about the principal from the movie?!”

 

“Yes!” Sungyeol giggled, pushing me forward to continue on. “Gotta admit that I’m a little disappointed you didn’t catch the reference just by the name.”

 

“The feeling is mutual.” I joked, following him further into the park. “So does this mean we are officially playing hookey?”

 

“Ferris Bueller style.” Sungyeol’s gummy smile was prominent, his eyes twinkling in the sunshine. “If only we had sunglasses, our look would be complete.”

 

“We don’t need any sunglasses; I always say it’s best to see the world with no filter.”

 

The teacher gave me an incredulous look. “Do you now?”

 

“Not really.” I admitted sheepishly. “But it sounded kinda cool, right?”

 

“It did. You’re a cool guy, Kim Myungsoo.” Sungyeol said it with just a hint of sarcasm, but before I could defend myself, he was pulling me towards a set of bleachers. “Wait here; I’ll be right back.”

 

I obediently sat down, watching the guys practice down below me. I had never been to my university’s baseball field before, but it was a nice place. There were a few other students scattered around, watching the boys play. Even if it was the off semester for academics, baseball season was in full swing.

 

“Here!” Sungyeol reappeared before me, plopping down on the metal bench with a finesse that I could only admire. “The concession stand isn’t open so I couldn’t get nachos like Cameron, so… these-” He lifted up the bag, squinting at the flashy packaging. “These artificially flavored nacho corn chips are just going to have to do!”

 

I cupped my hands, holding them out so he could pour some chips into them. Frankly I wouldn’t have cared if it was a piece of gum, the idea that Sungyeol had gone out of his way to get me something, was more than enough. Fate was on my side though, the chips being surprisingly satisfying and I found myself reaching into the bag for more.

 

There was one moment when both of us tried to reach into the chip bag at one time, and I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment when I accidentally grabbed his pale hand.

 

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to-”

 

“It’s okay.” Sungyeol reassured me, holding the bag out closer to me. “I’m just happy you like them.”

 

“They are really good.” I told him, getting my next serving without the risk of touching him.

 

“Of course they are. They’re delicious in that… unhealthy, created in a lab with no natural ingredients sort of way. But honestly, if they didn’t want us to eat junk food, why did they make it so good?”

 

I shrugged, but there was no real need for an answer. We sat together in the bleachers for a while, sharing chips and enjoying the sunshine. It was… outrageously nice. Being here with him, just… enjoying his company and his beautiful smile. It was comfortable in a way that surprised me; once I was able to shake off the lingering sense of panic that I’d embarrass myself in front of him again, I was able to relax and just… be. When he looked at me with his warm brown eyes, somehow I just knew that he wasn’t here to judge me. No one forced him to spend time with me like this; he made that decision on his own because he wanted to be with me.

 

“I know it isn’t Wrigley Field but… it’s nice. I used to go to baseball games with my Dad when I was little and so being here kind of makes me feel… nostalgic. Reminds me of simpler times.” Sungyeol said wistfully as he gazed at the players roaming about the field.

 

“I was never really into sports. I know enough to be able to follow a game if I’m watching it, but I never played anything. My parents didn’t have any real desire to make me be athletic, they kind of just let me do my own thing.”

 

“And what was your own thing?”

 

I blushed again, lowering my eyes to stare at my shoes. “I was kind of a bookworm. Still am, if I’m being honest.”

 

“What do you like to read the most?”

 

“Don’t judge me?” Sungyeol crossed his heart, his eyes encouraging. “Okay so… I’ve always had a thing for romance manga. I’ve been kind of fascinated with all the different ways other people can fall in love. I actually read Boys Over Flowers way before it became a Korean drama. It is a classic, but there’s so many others out there that I wish people would read.”

 

“You should recommend some to me.” I started to protest, knowing that Sungyeol most have much better things to do with his time, but he cut me off. “Come on, it’s only fair. I’ve been forcing you and an entire other group of students to watch my favorite movies all summer. And I’ve given you in particular extra movies to watch in your spare time. So I kind of think you owe me.”

 

I nodded my head, conceding to his point. “You’re right. But… give me some time, okay? I just want to make sure I pick the right one.”

 

“That’s the thing about being young, Myungsoo.” Sungyeol beamed, relaxing into the bench as he spread his arms open wide. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”

 

And he was right; so we sat together, eating our snack, talking about anything and everything, just enjoying the moment for what it was. But eventually the bag grew empty, and Sungyeol made a move to stand. His longer fingers rubbed against the dark denim of his jeans as he dusted the crumbs off.

 

“Ready to go?”

 

Truthfully I wasn’t; I wished that I could stay here in this peaceful moment with him for hours, but I knew it was time to move on. “Sure.”

  
Sungyeol lead the way out of the bleachers, not bothering to turn around to check if I was following him because he knew I would be. He threw the bag in the trash, and headed back towards the way we came. “I know that our thirty minutes are up, but I’ve got another place in mind if you want-”

 

“Yes!” I blurted out, a little too excitedly, and Sungyeol laughed. It wasn’t mocking, just easygoing.

 

“Don’t get too excited; I wasn’t able to arrange a parade so we won’t be singing Twist & Shout or dancing in the streets like Ferris.” Sungyeol explained, his grin seemingly fixed in place.

 

“That’s not necessarily true.”

 

“Really?” Sungyeol questioned. “Is there some student organization throwing a fundraiser or something that I don’t know about? I have to admit, as I get older, I do find myself losing track of all things that aren’t directly involved with the Theater department.”

 

“No, no.” I wanted to go on an entire rant about how he wasn’t old and how he was so beautiful, but I figured that would weird so I suppressed the urge. “There might not be any parades happening, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dance in the streets.”

 

“Oh really?” I saw the light in Sungyeol’s eyes go up a notch, and I felt a little worried. He pulled out his phone, stopping right there on the sidewalk as his fingers moved furiously across the screen. “Then let’s see you put your money where your mouth is.” He turned up the volume to full blast, the sounds of Ferris Bueller singing Twist & Shout filling the air.

 

I tried to hide my smile behind my hands, unable to believe that he was putting me on the spot. Sungyeol grabbed my wrist, pulling me closer with a wicked grin on his face. “Oh no, this was your idea! Come on! It’s a beautiful Friday night and there’s no one even around to see us. Let’s dance!”

 

“I can’t! When I said that I meant you! I’m no dancer-”

  
“Everyone is a dancer! You just have to find the right partner!” Sungyeol started to jump around, moving his arms about wildly to the tune of the cheery music, his laughter mixing beautifully with the music. “Come on, you really going to make me do this alone?”

 

I watched him bounce around, and he truly looked gorgeous; as if the sun was shining in the sky just to highly his beauty. In the white shirt he looked truly angelic, his purple frames sliding on his face as he danced around. Before I knew it I was joining him, not coordinated in the slightest, but still trying.

 

“ _You know you look so good! You know you got me going now, just like I knew you would!_ ” Sungyeol sang along to the lyrics, his eyes never leaving mine. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, playfully repeating the lines when the song called for it. I was sure we probably looked crazy to anyone passing by, singing at the top of our lungs and dancing in the middle of campus like we didn’t give a care in the world.

 

Sungyeol grabbed my arm, stopping my flailing to bring our bodies closer. “ _Come on and twist a little closer now, and let me know you’re mine_.” The song faded to an end, the cheering in the video feeling like it was just for us. I had never been closer to him, our bodies just an inch away from being pressed together. From this close I could see the lovely little moles on his body in detail, noticed the way the tips of his long hair curled just so at the ends. His eyes seemed more magnified than ever, and I noticed the way they flickered over my face, lingering at my lips. I wondered, for a wild moment, if one of my dreams were about to come true.

 

“The song’s over.” Sungyeol heaved out, his chest just barely brushing against my own as he tried to regain his breathing after exerting so much energy.

 

“Yeah.” I closed my eyes, wishing that it would happen, but when I felt his warmth move away I knew it wouldn’t. Sungyeol stepped back, pushing his phone back into his pocket, a curious smile on his face.

 

“Let’s go then.” He murmured, heading back towards his original destination. I could’ve sworn I saw a redness in his cheeks, but I figured it must have been the dancing. There was no way it could have been because of me.

 

He looked over his shoulder, his hand reaching for my own to pull me along faster. “I’ve got reservations at a French restaurant that we can’t be late for! You think they’ll believe that I’m the Sausage King of Chicago?”

 

I laughed, knowing that Sungyeol acting like Ferris would be absolutely ridiculous, but I couldn’t lie and say I didn’t want to see it happen. My mind went back to one of my favorite lines from the film;

 

_Life happens fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it._

 

And as I followed behind my teacher, Sungyeol’s easygoing conversation and infectious enthusiasm making him that much more endearing, I was determined to cherish every single second I had with this beautiful man.

 

Because I know more than anyone, how fleeting happiness truly was.

* * *

A/N: This update made me sad because Myungsoo is so obviously falling for Sungyeol, but it's like he's at war with himself, wanting to go for Sungyeol but also overwhelmed by the fear of rejection. But you all know which note belonged to who, right ;D And the ramen shop thing is real, here are some examples!  
  
  



	5. week five

**six.**   


 

I stood in front of the mirror, checking my reflection for what must have been the tenth time. I had been on pins and needles all day, unable to focus on anything but my meeting with Sungyeol. Last week’s impromptu hang out session had been playing on repeat in my mind all week long, and I still couldn’t believe that he had put so much effort into spending time with me.

 

We had went our separate ways after having dinner together, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of how… easy it had been. The more time we spent together, the less nervous I felt. As we shared a meal we laughed together, exchanged stories. I found myself opening up to him more and more. On one hand it was thrilling, because I could see just how much Sungyeol was enjoying his time with me. But on the other, it was terrifying, because I knew that my feelings were starting to become much deeper than that of just a schoolboy with a crush on his teacher. I was starting to care about Sungyeol on a more intimate level, and I was starting to wish that he felt the same way about me.

My hopes had been further increased when in the middle of the week, he sent me an e-mail that had me practically squealing in delight;

* * *

_Hey there!_

_I hope you enjyed the movie I picked for this week. Back to the Future is seriously one of my favorite movies of all time!!!_

_The thing is, there's a totally awesome sequel that I think you should see. Maybe we could watch it together after class this Friday?_

_No pressure, I understand if you already have plans (it is the weekend and I am messaging you pretty last minute!)_

_Just let me know, no matter what I'll see you in my office at 4:30 sharp!_

_See ya then~_

_Sungyeol ^^_

* * *

It took all of my will power not to immediately reply back YESSS!!!!!!, I settled for a much more suave response of Yeah, that sounds great. I just couldn’t believe that Sungyeol wanted to see me again outside of class. That we were actually becoming… friends? I doubted that he was hanging out with any of his other students like this and to be honest, if I were to find out that he was… it would just crush me.

 

For once, I just wanted to be special to someone.

 

Which is why I was still standing there, in front of the mirror like an idiot, using copious amounts of gel to try and make my hair stick out just so. I wanted to look stylish, to look good for him. If Dongwoo were here he would make fun of me for wearing all black, but it was what I felt most comfortable in. I personally thought it was a flirtier ensemble, the dip of the v-neck going a bit too low and the jeans a little too tight. But I wanted to seem casual while also being a little more enticing in his eyes. I didn’t want him to look at me and see a lonely student; I wanted him to see me and wish for more. I didn’t have the most confidence in my looks, but in this outfit I felt more handsome, and isn’t that all that mattered?

 

My phone started to buzz on the bathroom counter, my alarm letting me know that I officially couldn’t waste any more time freaking out about my appearance. It was time to go see Sungyeol, and hopefully this week would be even better than the last. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to top how free I felt in that moment I was dancing in the streets with Sungyeol, but I’d be damned if I didn’t try.

 

I swiped my finger across the screen to turn off the ringing, stuffing my phone in my back pocket along with my wallet, before heading out the door. Summer was in full swing, the heat of the sun unforgiving as I made my now familiar walk to the performing arts building. I slipped my sunglasses on, a little spring in my step as I got closer and closer to seeing him again. I passed the time by wondering what he would look like today, and before I knew it I was walking through the glass doors of the building. I took the steps up to his office two at a time, a little too eager but unable to contain myself.

 

But all the doubts and second guessing dissipated when I saw him; there I was, just standing in the space of his office door, watching as he chewed on his lip absentmindedly as the tip of his pencil moved smoothly across the paper. He was just as beautiful as always, the aura that surrounded him instantly making me feel happier.

 

“Hello again.” Sungyeol immediately perked up in his seat at the sound of my voice.

 

“Hey Myungsoo!” The teacher put his pencil down, beaming at me as I got comfortable in the seat in front of him. “How have you been?”

 

“I’ve been good. Definitely was looking forward to seeing you today. I have to know what’s wrong with Marty’s son in the future!”

 

Sungyeol laughed, crossing his arms. “I told you the movie would be awesome! It’s easily one of my favorites. The next one is pretty good too, so get excited.”

 

“We’re only watching the second one, right?” I questioned.

 

“Yeah. The third one isn’t terrible, but it also isn’t super necessary.” Sungyeol explained, shifting his papers around as he looked for my essay. The now customary 100% was circled at the top in red ink, and I couldn’t help the little bubble of pride that swelled up in my chest. It always made me feel good to know that Sungyeol appreciated my thoughts.  “Ah, here we go. I gotta say, your analysis on the relationship between Marty’s parents was pretty funny. And I have to agree; the scene with the chocolate milk is definitely iconic.”

 

“Yeah.” I grinned. “I admit when I saw the premise, I was bit worried. Whenever I see time travel, I always expect the plot to be a little over the top. But this movie did it so well, everything added up perfectly and it managed to be funny while doing it! It’s crazy that it was filmed in the 80s, the story is so good you don’t even realize how dated it is.”

 

“Just wait til we watch the sequel. It’s hilarious to see what the filmmakers envisioned the year 2015 to be like. Personally, I’m pretty bummed that their flying cars prediction didn’t come true. I don’t want to spoil you but the Nikes… are pretty sweet.”

 

“Then what are we waiting for? What’s the plan?” I shifted forward in my seat, resting my elbows on the edge of his desk.

 

“Lucky for you-” Sungyeol started, standing up as he grabbed his things. “-I have a good friend who works in the film department, Jaejoong, and he gave me the key to their auditorium.”

 

“Auditorium?” I repeated, following Sungyeol to the door and out of the office.

 

“Well, auditorium is a bit much. They use it for screening movies and student projects. But there’s comfy seats and a huge projector so it’ll be perfect for us.” He locked his office and threw his shoulder bag over his chest. “Let’s go!”

 

I followed him willingly, smiling to myself when I saw the little skip in his step as he led the way.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

The movie was just as amazing as the first, which was usually difficult to pull off with any sequel. But Back to the Future was an exception, and I was elated that I got to watch it with my teacher. But in reality, I hadn’t been able to pay that much attention to the movie. I was too busy staring at Sungyeol, watching him laugh at the funny moments and quote the lines from memory. It was obvious how much he loved the film, and that just made me appreciate it all the more.

 

My decision to bring along some snacks was very well received, and it was cute watching Sungyeol munch on the chocolate candies and caramel popcorn. It was obvious the older boy had a sweet tooth, information that I immediately filed away for future use. Sungyeol had been nice enough to bring me a Coke, and I couldn’t help but feel a little giddy knowing that he had gone out of his way to buy something for me.

 

But that feeling quickly faded when the credits started to play, the time going by much too quickly whenever I was with my professor. The little twinges of sadness started to crawl across my skin because I knew I would eventually have to say goodbye, but I put on a brave face, cleaning up our area as Sungyeol grabbed his DVD and turned off the equipment.

 

“We got everything?” He asked as he pulled up the projector screen, making sure all the right buttons had been pressed to turn off the machines.

 

“Yep.” My eyes roamed the room one last time. “I think we’re good to go.”

 

“Awesome.” Sungyeol followed me into the hallway, turning off the light and locking the door behind us. He slipped the key back into an envelope, and motioned me forward. “Is it okay if we stop by Jaejoong’s office for a second? I’m just going to return the key.”

 

“No problem.” I agreed, following Sungyeol deeper into the building than I had ever journeyed before. We went up another flight of stairs, and ended up in front of a small corner office. The door was open so Sungyeol peeked his head inside.

 

“Hi!” Sungyeol greeted his friend, stepping inside with a smile. The man from behind the desk looked up and I just barely managed to contain my groan of annoyance. Because this man was beautiful; his hair dyed a pretty shade of blonde, the long bangs swooped to the side. He had big wide eyes and full pink lips, and when he stood up it was clear he was tall with good proportions. Why was every single friend Sungyeol had so hot?

 

Why did the universe hate me so?

 

“I just wanted to give your key back before I forgot. Thanks for letting me use the room! You were right, the acoustics were amazing.”

 

“I told you it’s no big deal; all you had to do is ask.” Jaejoong paused, looking at me lingering at the door. “Oh, who is this?”

 

“Sorry, I have terrible manners.” Sungyeol looked back at me, motioning for me to come inside the door. He placed a hand on my arm, and smiled back at the blonde. “This is my… friend. Myungsoo.”

 

I didn’t even have time to be excited about him calling me his friend; I was too busy trying not to shrink under the other man’s gaze. “Oh. This is your student. Myungsoo.” Jaejoong looked at Sungyeol meaningfully, before extending his hand. “I’m Jaejoong. Sungyeol was kind enough to star in one of my films during undergrad, and we’ve been friends ever since.”

 

“Cool. I’m sure it was great.” I tried to inject some enthusiasm into my tone, but I wasn’t sure if it was convincing to the other guys in the room.

 

“Yeah.” Jaejoong came around his desk, throwing an arm around Sungyeol’s shoulders. “I hope you get the chance to see him act someday. He’s really something special.”

 

“I’m sure he is.” I whispered, staring at my shoes on the ground. All the excitement I had felt had disappeared; every time I thought that I was truly getting closer to Sungyeol, I realized that I barely knew him at all. First Joon, and now Jaejoong… it was obvious that Sungyeol was popular and well liked. He was close with beautiful men… beautiful men who knew him well and were involved with the things that Sungyeol loved. How could I ever compare to guys like them?

 

The awkward seconds ticked by, and thankfully Sungyeol spoke up to break it. “Well, we should be going. Just wanted to say thanks for your help.”

 

“Yeah, don’t let me keep you guys. It was great seeing you Yeol. And it was nice to meet you, Myungsoo. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around.” Jaejoong said warmly. I mumbled my own niceties, and followed Sungyeol out the door as he bid his friend goodbye. We made our way out of the theater department, and once we were outside the building Sungyeol stopped on the steps to talk to me.

 

“Are you okay, Myungsoo? You seem kind off… of.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Myungsoo…” Sungyeol sighed, pushing up on his glasses. It was a nervous habit that I recognized, and I felt bad that I was putting him on edge. “Is it… because I introduced you as my friend? Was that too much?”

 

“What?!” I was caught off guard by his concern. “No. No way. It’s great to know that you consider me a friend. I think of you that way too. I know I’m being quiet… maybe the movie made me more tired than I realized.” I tried to explain.

 

Sungyeol smiled, reaching forward to pat my head. “I just want you to feel happy, Myungsoo. I was going to invite you to go to a cafe with me, but if you want to go home and rest-”

 

“No, no! I’m okay!” I finally made eye contact with him, trying to put on a convincing smile. “I was actually just thinking that maybe I could go for something cold and refreshing so… a cafe would be perfect.”

 

“I know a great place.” Sungyeol chatted, already slipping back into the cheery mood that I had come to associate with him. “It’s not one of those awful chains, it’s a campus staple. I know you’re going to love it.”

 

“I’m sure I will.” I agreed, already falling into step with him as we began our journey to the cafe. I pushed the thoughts of Jaejoong out of my mind; what was important that Sungyeol was here with me, and he was making an effort to keep hanging out with me.

 

Suddenly the weather seemed warmer, the sun was shining brighter… things were looking up again. Sungyeol had a way of pulling me into a conversation, had a way of making me talk without me even having to think about it. The only person that had ever managed to make me feel so easy going was Dongwoo. It was ridiculously nice… being able to just talk freely with someone in person again. Sungyeol always listened attentively to my ideas, was always curious about what I had to say. When I was with him, he made me feel like my thoughts were important… like I mattered.

 

It was a wonderful feeling.

 

I had been so involved in our discussion sparked from the movie - would you rather live in the 50s or the 80s? - that I hadn’t been paying attention to where we were headed. My mind hadn’t picked up on the familiar roads, the telltale landmarks that I knew so well from before. It wasn’t until we stopped in front of the cafe window, that my heart stopped beating in my chest.

 

Because I knew those couches, I knew those cherry red wood tables, I saw the space cleared in the center of the room and the lone stool in the middle of the floor.

 

“Have you ever been to Moonlight before?” Sungyeol motioned to the coffee shop we were standing in front of. “It’s such a cool place, it’s Friday night so they’ve even got an open mic-”

 

“No.”

 

“I’m sure you’ll like it, they have an awesome macaron frappuccino you have to try.”

 

I shook my head, wanting to look away from the cafe but unable to tear my eyes from the scene. “I can’t.” A year had passed but it was all still here; everything was the same and yet it was irrevocably different. Because my eyes couldn’t see my hyung’s face, my ears couldn’t listen to his sweet voice sing along as he strummed the guitar.

 

“Well you don’t have to order that, you can order anything you want! Come on, let’s go inside. It’s pretty busy but I’m sure I can find us a seat-”

 

“No!” I yelled, immediately turning away and starting to run.

 

“Hey, Myungsoo! Wait! Wait up!” Sungyeol called after me but I couldn’t stop, I had to get away from that place. I wouldn’t go inside of Moonlight, I couldn’t go inside of a place that I had once held so dear after everything that had happened. In my mind the cafe would always belong to my hyung, and I couldn’t betray that; not even for the teacher I adored so much.

 

My feet carried me to a nearby park, and I collapsed on an empty bench, my head in my hands. It had been so long since I had thought about my hyung… it was something that I purposely avoided and now all of those feelings had bubbled up to the surface again.

 

“Myungsoo!” Sungyeol had finally caught up to me, sitting down in the spot next to me slightly out of breath. “What was that about? What’s wrong?” I bit my lip, unsure of what to say and afraid that if I spoke that the wrong things would come tumbling out. He sighed, setting down his bag on the ground and turning to face me.

 

“Listen… I don’t know what just happened back there but what I do know is that you’re upset right now, and you’re hurting. And I can’t just sit here and do nothing. Let me help you Myungsoo… please just talk to me.” I continued to sit in silence, doing my best to fight back the tears that so desperately wanted to escape. I couldn’t break down over this, over him, especially in front of Sungyeol. The minutes passed by, neither of us talking as the world continued to move on around us. Sungyeol had never looked away from me, a concerned look dominating his face. Finally, he spoke up again.

 

“I’ll wait Myungsoo… however long it takes for you to feel comfortable telling me. I’ll wait.”

 

“His name was Sunggyu.” Saying the name out loud was… strangely powerful; it felt like I was almost admitting a secret. It had been so long since I had said it, but it needed to be done.

 

“Who was he?” Sungyeol asked, softly encouraging me to keep going.

 

“He was…” I laughed, suddenly unsure of how to define him. “He was so many things… A musician, a friend... a lover.” I paused, cutting my eyes over to Sungyeol to gauge his reaction. I had never admitted to being gay, it was never something that needed to be defined in our previous conversations. But my teacher didn’t seem shocked; if anything he seemed to relax, a curious look coming across his face.

 

“And was he all of those things to you?”

 

“Yeah. He was one of the first people to make me feel… safe. When I was with him I knew I could count on him to take care of me. At one point in time… my hyung was the center of my universe. He had such big dreams… such hopes that just being around him made me feel inspired. Like I could accomplish anything.”

 

“That’s great, Myungsoo.” Sungyeol said honestly.

 

“It was. It really was until it wasn’t.” I took a breath, sniffling. “You see, my hyung was so talented. He played the guitar, composed his own songs. And god, his voice. His voice was… that feeling you get when you reach the top of the mountain, when you fall in love and realize that the world is truly a beautiful place. When he sang, you felt it. It was real, and it hit you, right here.” I motioned to my chest, thinking back on all the countless nights that Sunggyu’s voice had filled my ears.

 

“He was gifted… someone that was truly special. I actually… I met him at Moonlight. He used to sing for their open mic nights. He used to sing just for me.” I got choked up, covering my mouth. Sungyeol patted me on the back, his head bowed.

 

“Myungsoo…”

 

“No, it’s okay. I want to tell you. You’re my friend, and I want you to know.”

 

“Okay. Just take your time.” Sungyeol consoled me, his voice soft.

 

I swallowed the lump in my throat, recalling those times as if they were just yesterday. “It was my freshman year. I was new to this town and feeling so lost, but once I met Sunggyu… I was found. He anchored me and he took such good care of me. It was almost like… he created this space in his life, that was just for me. Every Friday, I would go to Moonlight and I would watch him play. I would listen to his songs and support him and it was just… a magical time. But magic isn’t real and all good things come to an end. I think… in the back of my head I knew that it was too good to last. That someone like him… someone that exceptional couldn’t stay in a place like this forever. He got an offer to start a career in Seoul and he took it.”

 

“So you had to break up?” Sungyeol asked, and I nodded slowly.

 

“Yeah. And part of me… a really, really big part of me wanted to beg him to stay. Wanted to throw my arms around him and never let him leave but… music was his dream. Music was in his blood and without it… he could never truly be happy. And… and I wanted more than anything for my hyung to be happy. So I told him to go.”

 

“That must have been so hard for you Myungsoo.” Sungyeol squeezed my shoulder. “You were very brave to make a decision like that. It’s obvious that you loved him very much.”

 

“But was it love? We weren’t even properly together for that long. We were friends and I was terrified to make a move… and by the time we took the next step, he was basically leaving. We might have been officially dating for only a couple of months. In the grand scheme of life, with all the years I will live…. will it even matter? Did I even matter?”

 

“Of course it will matter!” Sungyeol said forcefully, standing up for the bench. He paced in front of me for a few seconds, before wheeling back around to face me. “Myungsoo… nobody, and I mean nobody can take away what you felt for him. It doesn’t matter if it was for two months or two decades. All that matters is that the two of you loved each other. You’re right; you will live for many years and over that course of time you will experience heartbreak and pain but… if being with him brought you even a moment, a moment of pure bliss than you hold on to that. You remember it and you honor it. We are human. And to be human is to fall in love.”

 

“Sometimes… sometimes I just get scared that it was all in my head. That he meant so much to me and that I wasn’t important to him. That I’ll just be a memory that fades away easily. When it comes to boys… I’ve been wrong, so wrong so many times before and I just- I can’t handle the thought of being irrelevant to someone that I cared so deeply for.”

 

Sungyeol sat back down, looking me in my eyes. “Myungsoo, I haven’t known you for very long, but one thing that I am positive of is that you are somebody to be remembered. Someone as wonderful as you could never be considered irrelevant. Just because your relationship wasn’t meant to last forever doesn’t mean that it wasn’t important. I’m sure that when Sunggyu thinks of you, he remembers you fondly. You loved him enough to let him go. You loved him enough to let him pursue his dream, without feeling guilty about it. I’m sure that means more to him than you will ever know.”

 

“But am I selfish?” I whispered, somewhat afraid to ask the question. “Am I selfish for wishing he wouldn’t have moved away? Am I silly for wishing that he would have loved me enough to stay? To wish that I would have been his priority?”

 

“No, I don’t think you’re selfish Myungsoo. I think those are perfectly natural emotions to feel. But… I think if Sunggyu would have stayed, then he wouldn’t have been the person that you fell in love with.”

 

I looked at my teacher, feeling confused. “What do you mean?”

 

Sungyeol sighed, crossing his hands in his lap. “Think of it this way. You fell in love with Sunggyu at the coffee shop, yes?” I nodded in response, so he continued on. “And at the coffee shop, he was pursuing his dream. He was performing in front of crowds, playing his self composed songs and singing the lyrics he wrote from his heart. I think… maybe some of those songs he played were just for you Myungsoo. That those months you considered to be friendship, were actually the early stages of your relationship. Maybe his music was his way of sharing his heart, before he could put those emotions into words of a confession. All those nights you sat in that cafe and listened to his voice… witnessed him bare his soul… maybe in a way, you fell in love with him through his music. And if he would have stayed, if he would have given that part of himself up, then he wouldn’t be the same man that you fell for.”

 

He stopped, letting me take a moment to absorb his words. I had never truly thought of it that way… I had never imagined a future for Sunggyu that didn’t involve his music. And Sungyeol was right; that creativity that Sunggyu thrived on to create his music, would have been damaged if he gave up his opportunity.

 

Sungyeol sighed, kicking at the ground absentmindedly. “I don’t know. I just feel like… people expect perfection in every romantic encounter they begin when in reality… I think that love is something that isn’t meant to be perfect. I think it should be something we constantly are learning from. Each person you are with is important; each person will teach you something different not only about life, but about yourself. Through Sunggyu you learned how to be selfless; how to put someone who you love first. To put their interests above your own. And that’s something you will carry with you for the rest of your life. That’s something that has made you into a stronger, better person. So don’t feel regret over that time… don’t sell yourself short. I’m sure that as time goes on the pain fades and things get easier, but that doesn’t mean you have to pretend it never happened. It doesn’t mean your experience wasn’t important.”

 

“He was… my first. He showed me how a healthy relationship should be and… I’ll always be grateful to him for that. He’s not even my most recent ex-”

 

“That doesn’t matter. Your feelings are always valid.” Sungyeol assured him, and Myungsoo smiled.

 

“I just… really wish him the best. I know that I’m not strong enough to have contact with him, even if it were just friendship. He’s living in a completely different world now, he has a whole new life. But I really do want him to find that success he was so longing for.”

 

Sungyeol shifted in his seat, unsure if he should say what he was thinking. “Was his last name Kim?”

 

“Yeah.” I was a bit surprised Sungyeol had that knowledge. “Did you know him?”

 

“Not personally.” Sungyeol fished out his phone, his fingers moving across the screen.

 

“So you saw him at Moonlight?” I asked curiously. It would have been quite the coincidence, but Sungyeol was older than me and if he enjoyed frequenting the cafe than it was entirely possible that he had seen him perform. “He had this really great red hair… you couldn’t miss it.” I said fondly, remembering the stand out style that had suited my hyung so well.

 

Sungyeol turned to me a cautious look on his face. “So… I don’t know how much you follow current music trends but there’s this new artist. He’s on a smaller label but he’s doing really well in the indie scene. His name is Kim Sunggyu.”

 

“Seriously? It’s… it’s really him?”

 

Sungyeol nodded. “Yeah. I can play his debut song for you, if you want? We could listen to it together. Or if you don’t want to I’ll completely understand-”

 

“Play it.” I cut him off, suddenly firm in my resolve. This is what I wanted for my hyung, and to be honest… the idea of being able to hear his voice again made something inside of my heart feel warm. “Please.” I added on softly.

 

“Okay. Here it goes.” Sungyeol pressed the play button on his phone, holding up the device near our ears. The first few notes were of a piano, but after a few short seconds, the voice that I knew almost as well as my own started to sing.

 

 _If I had just one miraculous moment it’s probably the day I first met you_  
If there was a hell-like moment that I want to forget it’s probably when I let you go  
I can’t do anything because all of my air is filled up with you  
Even if I slightly move I bump into you  
I need to empty you out little by little, yes, I need to erase you  
I bite my lips and tell myself but I can’t even start  
If there was a moment that was more dream-like than an actual dream it’s probably the day I first met you  
If there was a moment that was so tortuous that I wanted to die it’s probably when I let you go  
I can’t do anything because all of my air is filled up with you  
Even if I slightly move I bump into you  
I need to empty you out little by little, yes, I need to erase you  
I bite my lips and tell myself but I can’t even start  
Do I want to forget you or do I want to keep holding onto you even if it’s just in the memories?  
If it’s not even that, like a lie, thinking that you might come back to me  
Thinking that I should be here if you come back  
Have those things swallowed me up? Has it?  
I can’t do anything because all of my air is filled up with you  
Even if I slightly move I bump into you  
I need to empty you out little by little ,yes, I need to erase you  
I bite my lips and tell myself but I can’t even start  
I can’t take a single step because this city is filled with you  
Everywhere I step traces of you come into my eye

 

The last note of his voice faded away, leaving only the piano behind to finish it off; the end reminiscent of the beginning.

It was beautiful.

He was beautiful. He was happy. He had actually made it.

“Myungsoo? Are you okay? Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned anything? Please don’t cry.” Sungyeol begged, reaching out to wipe away a few of my tears.

I laughed, suddenly feeling lighter than I had in a long time. “I’m not sad Sungyeol. It’s… tears of relief? Just feeling overwhelmed? I don’t know how to describe it but… it’s like I was holding my breath, and I was finally able to exhale. To let it go. All the baggage and doubts I had when I thought about him.”

“So you aren’t upset?”

“No. The song was amazing. And god, the piano… he used to swear he was terrible at it but… he played so well. He sang so beautifully. That song… those lyrics… it was honest and it was real and it was him. He stayed true to himself and he made the type of music that he loves. He found his happy ending and… even though it isn’t with me I still honored that I am able to witness it. That I am lucky enough to see his dreams coming true.”

“The name of the song is Alive. Do you think… that maybe it’s about you? That he wishes you could be together again?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe. Maybe not. And honestly? I don’t think it matters. Because we made the decision to go our separate ways together. We both knew our lives had different paths. If you would have asked me a year ago, I’m sure I would’ve had a different answer. But now? I think… I think that what we had was pure and something that can’t be replicated. Even if we were to find each other again, we’ve both grown, we’ve both lived and had different experiences that have made us different people. It just… it wouldn’t be the same. He’s moved on in the only way he knows how… by embracing his music. And I think… I think it’s time that I do the same. That I find my own happy ending. Because I know that’s what Sunggyu would want for me. To take care of the ending.”

Sungyeol smiled, reaching out to hold my hand. “I’ll be here for you. To help you in any way that I can Myungsoo.”

I looked at him, saw the sincerity in his warm brown eyes, and I felt the seeds of hope grow in my heart. I smiled back at him, tightening my grip on his hand. “You already are Sungyeol; more than you could ever know.”

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Sungyeol offered to walk me home but I decided that I wanted a little time to myself to sort out my emotions. It was great to be able to tell him about Sunggyu, to be able to work through my thoughts with his guidance, but truthfully all of the heavy topics of discussion had worn me out. We said our goodbyes at the park, and I slowly walked back to my apartment.

By now it was darker outside, the sun setting low in the sky. I was so preoccupied, my mind still reeling from all of the revelations from tonight’s meeting with Sungyeol, that I didn’t notice him until it was too late to turn away. He caught my eyes, standing up on the steps in front of my apartment door with a sheepish smile. He moved slowly down the steps, never once looking away, his stare piercing through me like a blade. He stopped right in front of me, our bodies only an inch apart. “Hey Soo.”

I felt the tears prickling in my eyes, my entire world off axis now that he was standing here in front of me. I reached out for the railing, my voice shaking as I digged deep to find the courage to confront the person that I thought I would never see again.

The person that had hurt me more than anyone else, who had reduced me to nothing. The person who for some reason had decided to come back for more.

“ _Woohyun_.”

* * *

A/N: One step forward, two steps back.  
  
We made it through our Sunggyu feelings but then Woohyun came in like a wrecking ball.  
  
I'm curious to see what you guys think! Things are about to get complicated! Don't hate me too much! ♡ ray


	6. week six

**six.**

 

“He’s back. _Again_.”

 

Even through the pixels on the screen, I could see just how worried my best friend was. Dongwoo had a permanent frown fixed on his face, his teeth worrying his lip. “Myungsoo, this can’t continue.”

 

“This is the fourth day in a row. He told me that he would keep coming back until I agreed to talk to him. He said he needs to explain-”

 

“Explain what?” Dongwoo threw his hands in the air. “He broke your heart Myungsoo! He doesn’t get to just waltz back in whenever he feels like it and demand your attention. No, no. I don’t care how much he begs, do not let him inside your apartment.”

 

I looked down at my lap, my computer balanced on top of my legs as I sat in my bed. At first I hadn’t believed Woohyun when he said he’d return but… he just kept showing up. That smile on his face, a wanting look in his eyes. I couldn’t stand it because with each look we shared, I felt my resolve weakening. I knew Woohyun had hurt me badly but… there had to be some reason he came back, right?

 

“I… I think I’m just going to hear him out.”

 

Dongwoo looked shocked. “Myungsoo!”

 

“Just listen, for a second. If I don’t talk to him… if I don’t sort this out then he’s just going to keep coming back. Keep bothering me. And even if he did stop coming eventually… a part of me would always wonder why.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I know it’s a risk but… I think this is something I need to do. Can you support me? Please? I have a feeling that… no matter what he says to me, that afterwards I’ll be needing a friend more than ever.”

 

He sighed, running a hand through his bright pink hair. “Okay. I have to respect your decision and… no matter what happens I’ll be here for you. I just want you to be happy Myungsoo.”

 

“I know. And thank you. I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

 

“Okay. I love you, Myungsoo.” Dongwoo said earnestly, and I told him I loved him too before finally ending the video call. I closed my laptop, throwing it to the side before rising from my bed. It was time to face the music, and see what exactly Woohyun wanted from me. I stopped in front of the mirror, reflexively fixing my hair before moving towards the front door. I looked out the peephole, and I saw him there.

 

I was ashamed to admit that he looked just as good as I remembered; sitting on my steps, wearing a pair of skin tight blue jeans and a pale green button up. It was hot outside but he didn’t look like he was affected by the weather at all; a closed lipped smile on his face as he rested with his eyes closed against the railing. Just waiting.

 

Waiting for _me_.

 

I took a deep breath, and opened up the door. Woohyun rose to his feet, not in a scramble, but calmly. He was poised and confident, just like I remembered. His eyes lit up when they saw me, a full grown grin on his face as he walked up to the door.

 

“Myungsoo. You made a decision?”

 

“Yeah… just… come inside.” I turned around, not wanting to keep looking at him and needing to put some space between us.

 

Woohyun came inside, looking around the place with a fond smile. “It’s all still the same.”

 

I barely managed to suppress the snark in my response. “It hasn’t been that long since you left. What did you expect?”

 

He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Shall we sit?” He pointed to the couch, and I reluctantly followed his lead. “How’s your summer-”

 

“ _Woohyun_.” I cut him off, not the least bit in the mood for small talk. “What the hell are you doing here? The last time I saw you… the last time you were here things got physical and not in a good way. You said some… really hurtful things. Things you can’t take back.”

 

“I know that. I know… what I did, how I acted towards the end, wasn’t right. And honestly? Since that day I’ve left I’ve felt nothing but regret. Because… you weren’t just some fling to me.”

 

“Oh really? Because when we broke up you made it abundantly clear that I was just a cheap, sexual outlet for you. Oh, I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't call it a break up because that implies we had a relationship and according to you, we were _nothing_.”

 

Woohyun looked downcast, his shoulder slumping at the accusation. “You deserve better. You deserve the truth.”

 

“And what is the truth Woohyun? Why did you want to see me so badly? What could possibly be left unsaid?”

 

Woohyun sighed, running his hands over his face. “Last year… when I met you I wasn’t expecting to fall for you. It was supposed to be something fun, something light hearted but… the more time I spent with you, the more I cared about you. That night, when we were in the kitchen… I meant it when I said I could fall for you because I _did_.” He turned towards me on the couch, reaching forward to cup my cheek. “I fell in love with you Myungsoo. And those feelings never went away.”

 

I balked, my eyes widening. “W-what? You said-”

 

“I know what I said.” Woohyun actually looked guilty, and it was the first time I had ever seen the look on his face. “It all started over winter break. When I went back to Japan, I told my parents about you. I told them about us because I wanted us to have a future together, but they freaked. They knew I wanted to go into politics and they thought our relationship was a direct threat to my career. And hell, maybe they’re right. In this day and age… people aren’t as open as you’d like to believe but… my mistake was letting their words affect how I treated you. Maybe it wasn’t consciously but… I started to pull away. Started to prepare myself for losing you. And I could tell you were struggling with it, and I was struggling too but I didn’t know how to fix it. How to fix us.”

 

“So what? I’m just supposed to believe that all this time were you pining along for me too? Did you forget that I saw you at graduation? I saw you with Mina!”

 

“I know. I know that.” I pushed his hand away from my face.

 

“Then why? Why are you here pretending like it never happened? You were the one who said we were nothing! That it was my fault for falling in love with you.”

 

“I lied! Okay Myungsoo, I lied! I’m not in love with Mina, I was never in love with Mina! I know it’s stupid but I let what my parents said get into my head, that’s the only reason I was ever with her. I didn’t want her. I _don’t_ want her. I only want you.”

 

I scoffed, still reeling away from him. “You can’t honestly expect me to believe that. After everything you did? You didn’t just end things with me Woohyun, you were _cold_. You said things that you knew would cut me deep and for what? Because somehow in your head you thought it was the nice thing to do for me? If you were really in love with me Woohyun then your first instinct should never be to hurt me.”

 

“But I didn’t want to hurt you! Myungsoo, I know I fucked up! Why do you think I tried to stay away all summer? I knew deep down that you were better off without me. But I _know_ you Myungsoo, so I knew that I made you sad and that even though you did nothing wrong, that you would find a way to blame yourself. That things would get twisted around and you would think that you messed us up, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. _I_  am the one who broke us Myungsoo. I’m the one who pulled away, who made your doubt our relationship. Made you doubt _yourself_ , and I… I just couldn’t keep going knowing that I was making you question everything about us.”

 

I feel some of the anger inside of me start to fade away, slowly being replaced by a weariness. “Woohyun… I know that our situation was complicated. I know that we never made any promises out loud but… you had to have known that I was in love with you. I’ve never been any good at lying, and I didn’t exactly try to hide how I feel when we were together.”

 

Woohyun smiled weakly. “It’s your eyes Myungsoo. Just one look at them and I know what you’re thinking.”

 

I crossed my arms defensively, trying to stay strong in the onslaught of my emotions. “Time has passed Woohyun. Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

 

“No way.” Woohyun said confidently. He moved forward with slow steps, reaching out to grab my hands to pull me closer to him. I felt like I had lost control of my own body, like a magnet was pulling me towards Woohyun that I couldn’t resist. “I know that you probably were beating yourself up, wondering what you could have done differently to have made me stay. But it’s like I told you; you did _nothing_ wrong when we were together. You were perfect, and I’m the idiot who made the mistake of not telling you that.”

 

“Woohyun…”

 

“I should have told you, Myungsoo. Everyday. My love for you should never have been a secret. And you shouldn’t have felt like the only way to be with me was to hide your feelings. But it doesn’t have to be like that anymore Myungsoo. There’s no more secrets between us. Now we can both be honest. Now I can look you in the eyes and tell you that I love you with no hesitation.” Woohyun smiled slightly with a slight blush on his cheeks. “Did you know you’re the first person I’ve ever said that to? That you’re the only boy I’ve ever loved Myungsoo?”

 

I shook my head, trying to get rid of the onslaught of confusion I felt. Of all the things I expected Woohyun to say when he came to me, _I love you_ was something I truly never expected.

 

“You can’t… you can’t just show up and tell me you love me now. It’s too late-”

 

“It’s _never_ too late.” Woohyun argued, refusing to give up. “Myungsoo, can you honestly say that you don’t have any feelings for me?”

 

I made a helpless sound, unable to deny it. “But that- that doesn’t change what happened between us. You _left_ me-”

 

“But I came back Myungsoo. And now that you know how much I truly care about you, I never have to leave again. I can be with you… I can make you happy. Don’t you remember how good things used to be between us? How much fun we had?”

 

“Yes, but-” I started reluctantly as Woohyun shook his head.

 

“No buts. Just be here in the moment with me. Isn’t it at least worth a try? Just give me another chance Myungsoo, I swear I won’t let you down.”

 

“How can you expect me to just take your word for it? After everything we’ve been through… after all the terrible things that have happened?”

 

“Because I know that I love you. And I know that deep down you still love me.” He shifted in his seat, grabbing onto my hands tightly. Those pretty brown eyes were staring at me with determination. “So whenever you feel worried… whenever you feel scared that I’ll hurt you again, just look at me. Just look at me and know that I am sincere, that I love you, and that I’ll always work my hardest to reassure you whenever your faith in me wavers. I’ll be right here, doing my best to hold all of the pieces of you together when you feel like you’re falling apart.”

 

I found myself leaning into his embrace when he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, his pretty words seemingly casting a spell over me. It had to be true, because I couldn’t bare thinking of the alternative. “You really mean that?”

 

“I do.” Woohyun promised, his lips brushing against my ear. “Now let me prove it to you.”

 

He grabbed onto my chin, slowly angling my face towards his own. I closed my eyes, and let him pull me into a kiss. The taste of him, the shape of his lips… it was familiar and it felt _good_.

 

For better or worse, I decided to push aside my worries and let his touch distract me from all the ways this could end in heartache.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

The next week went by in a blur. I spent the majority of the time with Woohyun in bed; I was embarrassed to admit how easy it was to fall into those old patterns. Woohyun had always been a generous lover and he had been trying his best to make up for what had happened before. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of uneasiness that had settled into me, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. Woohyun coming back to me, apologizing to me, _loving_ me… this is what I wanted.

 

Wasn’t it?

 

I sighed, turning over to look at the empty side of the bed. Woohyun was currently in the shower, and soon it would be time for breakfast. He had promised to cook for me, promising that he still remembered my favorites. I appreciated the gesture, but couldn’t muster up much energy to do much of anything else. Today was Friday, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was doing something wrong.

 

Since I had invited Woohyun in on that fateful day, subconsciously or not, I had closed myself off from the outside world. Woohyun was more than happy to have all of my attention, but I knew that other people in my life wouldn’t be.

I had no idea what I would say to Dongwoo, knowing that my best friend would be extremely concerned about the new developments between us. I wouldn’t even know how to explain it; it was almost _too_ perfect. Woohyun had came back to me, and he never wanted to leave in the first place.

 

He actually loved me.

 

It was crazy, to hear him say it so freely now. How many nights had I spent over the past year, wishing that he would say those words to me? How many nights had I forced myself to keep my own mouth shut, so I wouldn’t tell him the true depths of my feelings?

 

But now I could say it without fear of being rejected. Now I could declare my love for him, and everything would be okay.

 

So why did I feel like I liar when I said it?

 

Had he hurt me too much? Was my forgiveness just another part of myself that I was faking for the benefit of another person? I couldn’t make sense of my own feelings. I had longed for him, _pined_ for him for months even though he was right next to me. And here he was again, with the same beautiful smile and charming words that made me fall for him in the first place. But this time felt different, and I couldn’t exactly put my finger on _why_.

 

It was that reason that I had declined joining him in the shower, wanting to use this precious time I had to myself to try and figure out where my head was at. I guess what I couldn’t reconcile with was that this was, essentially, a Hollywood ending. And when Woohyun spoke, it was almost as if he was reading from a script, saying all the right things and hitting the right points to reassure me. And that was a good thing, but it just made me feel like I couldn’t trust it. Because that kind of happiness never seemed to last in my life, so why would it start now?

 

I grabbed my laptop from the floor, opening it up to check my e-mail. A weird feeling came over me when I saw that I had numerous messages from Sungyeol, and I was almost afraid to read them. I quickly closed the window, effectively putting off dealing with what I knew could only be an uncomfortable situation.

 

For some reason, thinking of Sungyeol when Woohyun was here felt… almost like a betrayal. Like I was cheating on him by spending time with Woohyun. I laughed to myself, shaking my head at my own ridiculous behavior. Only I would be this stupid; to feel such blind loyalty to a man who was just nice enough to give me some attention. I was his student so he had an obligation to be kind to me, and I am the one who fantasized about it becoming something more intense. Sungyeol would never see me in the way I wanted, I was lucky enough to be his friend. It was stupid of me to think of wanting more, and now Woohyun was here so… the right thing to do would be to put Sungyeol out of my mind. To throw all of my energy and focus into repairing our relationship.

 

But I _couldn’t_.

 

I was ashamed because even when I was alone with Woohyun, being _intimate_ with him, my thoughts kept drifting to my professor. I couldn’t stop thinking about our connection, how close we became in such a short amount of time. I knew that my crush on Sungyeol was serious, but even I was unaware of how deeply serious my feelings had grown. Being with Woohyun… it made me happy and sad all at once, and I didn’t know how to deal with that.

 

I was supposed to see Sungyeol today, and normally I would be ecstatic at the chance to spend time with him again. But now the only thing I felt in my stomach was dread. The movie file on my desktop sat there untouched; I had downloaded it days ago but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to look at it. I had toyed around with the idea of asking Woohyun to watch the movie with me, but I had immediately shut that train of thought down. Films were my thing with Sungyeol, and it didn’t feel right to share anything from my class with Woohyun. I absentmindedly wondered if that was a bad sign.

 

I pushed my computer closed, setting it to the side with a resigned sigh. If I was being honest with myself, I knew there was no chance of me going to my meeting with Sungyeol today. Just one look from him and I would have spilled my guts, and the last thing I wanted to do was admit to my professor that I had spent the past week screwing around with my ex-boyfriend. Or maybe my current boyfriend? Could I even call him that now?

 

I pulled at my hair; it was starting to feel like I was going to go crazy with all of these conflicting emotions inside of me. My brooding was interrupted by the chiming of a cell phone. I knew the tone by now, over the past week this particular person had called more than once. Woohyun always excused himself to take the calls from Mina, and I was doing my best to try not to be jealous. Woohyun had assured me over and over again that it wasn’t anything to be worried about, and that his heart belonged to me.

 

The sound of the water cut off, and Woohyun emerged from the bathroom fresh from his shower. He wore only a towel wrapped around his waist, and there was a teasing smile on his face when he saw me still lying in bed.

 

“I’m thinking breakfast can wait a little longer.” He crawled over to me, placing a soft kiss on my lips with a playful giggle. I moved away after a second, not letting it go too far; mostly because my head wasn’t in the right place and knew he would be calling Mina back soon. “Something wrong?” He asked, picking up on my hesitance.

 

“Nothing, it’s just- your phone went off while you were showering. You should probably take care of it before we make any plans.”

 

“You’re right.” Woohyun stroked my cheek, dropping a quick peck on my cheek.

 

“You know what, I’ll just start breakfast.” I pushed him off of me, sliding out from underneath the covers. I reached into the nearest drawer, blindly pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a loose t-shirt to cover myself.

 

“Are you sure? You know I don’t mind cooking.”

 

“Yeah, it’s fine. Just come meet me in the kitchen when you’re done.” I pushed my phone into my pocket, and left him behind in my bedroom. I closed the door shut, taking a moment to take a deep breath to collect myself. I was going to have to figure out a way to shake out of this bad mood, to get rid of these incessant thoughts.

 

I went into the kitchen, grabbing a few eggs and some cheese for a quick omelette. I didn’t feel capable of cooking anything fancy, and judging by the past few days, we would probably end up ordering some take out in a few hours anyway. My phone buzzed in my pocket, so I pulled it out to check it. I wasn’t surprised to see a text message from my best friend.

 

_Hey, what movie did you watch this week? Usually we talk about it and I know you have class today, so I was just curious!_

 

I sighed, not even unlocking my phone, leaving the message unread. What would I even say if I were to respond to him now? _Oh yeah, I didn’t watch anything because I’m totally being responsible by skipping class to hook up with my ex._

 

Dongwoo would have a fit.

 

As I cooked the eggs, I prayed for some sort of guidance. I wish I could just _know_ how I felt, one way or the other. But being in limbo, being happy because Woohyun loved me but sad because things didn’t feel quite the same, wasn’t doing anyone any favors.

 

Maybe I should talk to Woohyun… see if he was feeling any of these reservations. But every time we were together he was all smiles and touchy hands and it just, it felt like once again the problem was with me.

 

I shook my head; I thought after his confession, after being able to truly know the depth of his affection for me, that there wouldn’t be any other problems. But I knew my best friend wouldn’t approve, I had no idea how I would explain my erratic behavior to my professor, and my family didn’t exactly have the best impression of Woohyun after our break up… god, how did things become so complicated?

 

As I scooped our breakfast onto plates, I decided that I needed to sort things out sooner, rather than later. If I wanted Woohyun to be completely transparent with me, then it was only fair that I did the same. I padded over to my bedroom door, with the intention of asking Woohyun whether he wanted to have breakfast in the kitchen or in bed, but something inside of me stopped my hand from knocking on the door.

 

It was closed, so I couldn’t hear him very clearly at first. But I turned my head to the side, pressing my ear to the door to decipher the murmuring. It sounded like he was on the phone, and I felt horrible for eavesdropping, but something in my gut told me I needed to listen.

 

 _“I can’t talk right now Mina.”_ There was a pause. _“I know, I know. I’ll see you next week.”_

 

I felt something seize up inside of me, the dread I had been feeling all morning rising up in my throat.

 

_“I love you, too. Bye.”_

 

I heard footsteps shuffling towards the door, and I immediately backed away. I retreated to the kitchen, trying to make sense of what I had just heard.

 

“Hey babe. Breakfast ready?” Woohyun swooped in, kissing me on the cheek before sitting down at the table to eat. I was absolutely floored; I couldn’t believe he say he loved someone else, only to turn around and act committed to me. But I should have known; how long had he been playing at this facade? How long would I be stupid enough to fall for it?

 

“How do you do it?” I asked.

 

“Huh?”

 

“How do you do it?” I repeated, my voice shaking. “How do you look me in the eyes and lie to me like it’s nothing?”

 

“Lie to you?” Woohyun rose out of his seat, walking over to me but I batted his hands away.

 

“No. Don’t touch me. Don’t.”

 

“Myungsoo, I don’t know what’s wrong with you-”

 

“You don’t? _You don’t?_ ” I glared at him accusingly. “I overheard your little conversation. I heard you say that you loved Mina, even though you told me you didn’t have feelings for her!”

 

“I already explained this to you! You know that I care about her as a friend, but that’s it. I wasn’t being dishonest when I told you that you’re the only person that I truly love.”

 

“So then why would you say that to her? Why would you make plans with her, continue to get her hopes up if you have no intentions of following through?”

 

Woohyun looked at me puzzled. “What do you mean? I have to keep seeing her, she’s my fiancee-”

 

“Your _fiancee_?” I could barely even think, let alone form words. I had assumed that Mina was no longer a factor if he was messing around with me. “Woohyun, what the fuck are you doing here then?!” I screamed, unable to hold back my rage any longer.

 

“Because I want to be with you Myungsoo! Yeah Mina has to stay in the picture but you know my heart isn’t with her. I have to go through with the marriage for my parents and my career and-”

 

“And what? What the hell does that mean for me, Woohyun? Is this why we haven’t left my apartment the past week? Because you needed me to stay inside and not ask any questions? To be your dirty little secret so you can play house with Mina?”

 

Woohyun sighed, trying to hold my hand but I snatched it away. “Myungsoo. She means _nothing_. She doesn’t matter. The only thing that is important is that I’m here with you. And she knows who you are, she thinks we’re friends and she’s not suspicious-”

 

“Oh my god. Oh my god.” My face fell into my hands. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. That he actually thought that _this_ , what we were doing, was okay. “You haven’t changed at all, Woohyun. You’re still the same selfish bastard that you were when you left the first time.”

 

He looked hurt at my words. “How can you say that?”

 

“Because I know what it feels like to be deceived by you! Because I know that Mina is probably going crazy right now with worry because her damn _fiance_ pulled a disappearing act on her! How can you not see… how could possibly not understand that what you are doing is not only wrong, it's...  _despicable_. You are stringing both of us along, and you don’t even feel sorry about it.” I shook my head, putting more space between us. “You think that you can keep your life separate, that you can just go back and forth to keep both of us happy but Woohyun, that will _never_ work. And it’s not fair, to either of us.” I blinked my eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay. “You need to leave.”

 

Woohyun’s eyes widened. “What? Myungsoo, no, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m crazy about you, I always have been and I can’t forget you. I know you love me-”

 

“I love the idea of you Woohyun.” I admitted brokenly. “I love that boy that I met last year. The one who showed me how to have fun, who made me feel good. But you haven’t been that person for a very long time… and now? Now I know that you will never be him again.”

 

“Myungsoo-”

 

“I don’t want this Woohyun.” The tears started to fall, but I knew I had to do this. I couldn’t live like this, I couldn’t be that kind of person. I knew how much it hurt to be betrayed by someone you loved, and I wouldn’t knowingly do something that would result in an innocent girl getting hurt. “I don’t want you.”

 

Woohyun looked down, his hands on his hips. “Is there someone else?”

 

I laughed, somewhat hysterically at his question. “Does it even matter? Because there will always be someone else for you.”

 

“I don’t love her. It’s just words-”

 

“Yeah? And how long until it’s ‘just words’ with me? How could you possibly expect me to trust you ever again when I know that you have no moral qualms with tricking someone into loving you? Into being faithful to you when you have no intentions of ever doing the same?” I wiped a few tears away. “Woohyun… I don’t- I _can’t_ be a part of something like this. I thought when you came here, that you were choosing me. That you truly wanted me to be your everything. I won’t be your something.”

 

“You’re making a mistake.”

 

“No.” I said confidently. “But the fact that you think I am, just lets me know that I’m making the right decision.

 

“If I leave, I’m not coming back.” Woohyun threatened, but it had the opposite effect. I wanted him out of my life, so I wouldn’t ever have to think about the part I played in this charade again.

 

“Good.”

 

With that Woohyun walked away to gather his things, but I was rooted to the spot. I was frozen, my regret growing with every passing second. How could I have been so blinded by him? How was I so easily manipulated?

 

Did I have any self respect at all?

 

After a few short minutes, Woohyun emerged with his bag over his shoulder and his head hanging low. He stepped closer to me, reaching forward to cup my cheeks. “You know, I really did love you.”

 

“You don’t do this to someone you love.” I whispered. Woohyun grimaced, nodding his head as my resolve sunk in. He leaned forward, dropping one last kiss on my lips.

 

“Take care of yourself Myungsoo.” I closed my eyes, not quite strong enough to watch him walk away. But when the door closed behind him this time, I knew it was for good.

 

I collapsed to the floor, the sobs overtaking me now that I was alone. And wasn’t that just the worst part of it?

 

Why did it always have to end with me being alone?

 

Everyone I ever cared about… Sunggyu, Woohyun, even Dongwoo, always left me in the end. I wasn’t ever good enough to make them want to stay. And when he did… it was for the wrong reasons. But I was the one who invited Woohyun in, who let him singlehandedly blow apart any and all progress I had made to become a better person. Everything was falling apart, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

 

I had no one to blame but myself.

 

* * *

A/N: literally this update in gif form.  
  
no one asked you to come woohyun!!!  
okay so HERE is the tea.

i do in my heart of hearts believe the woohyun loves myungsoo.  
BUT (and this is a huge but) i just don’t think woohyun loves myungsoo _enough_.  
even if his intentions were somewhat pure (trying to make it easier for myungsoo to let him go after his graduation by breaking things off harshly) it does not change the fact that it practically destroyed myungsoo. woohyun hurt him badly and no amount of flattery or pretty words will erase that fact. and ultimately, woohyun wanted to have his cake and eat it too. even if he didn’t have any real feelings for the girl, it’s not fair for him to ask myungsoo to live a double life… to essentially make him a willing participate in deceiving mina (cause remember, mina has no idea that myungsoo exists). i’d like to believe that myungsoo has grown enough to not only understand, but firmly believe that he deserves better. he shouldn’t have to share the person he loves with another woman just for appearances sake. he should be able to love freely with no regrets. and despite his past with woohyun and the depth of his feelings for him, myungsoo has grown out of that desperate kind of love. even though myungsoo was weak in his resolve for a short time, i don’t blame him for going back to someone familiar. it felt good for him to hook up with woohyun in the moment, but the moment the lust was gone he realized what a huge mistake he was making. I know he regrets it and i know this will only make things harder for him but it had to happen! i think he really needed to have that closure with woohyun and completely end that relationship before he could truly move on. i know some of you guys probably hate me for doing this so i take full responsibility and apologize in advance!  
just don’t lose hope in our myungsoo, i know he’s having a rough time but i know he will learn from this!  
also when can our knight in shining armor show up and save us all from this angst!  
  
sorry this author’s note was so long but i just wanted to share my thought process behind this update!  
comment and tell me how you guys are feeling! ♡ ray


	7. week seven

**six.**  


 

I felt numb; like I had taken so many beatings that I didn’t have the strength left in me to even react anymore. I still couldn’t believe that I was stupid enough to let myself talk to Woohyun, to open the door and reinvite him into my life to blow apart any and all progress I had made to get over him.

 

In moments like these, I wished I could hate him, but I didn’t even have the energy to. After I had kicked him out, he was wise enough to take the hint this time and stay gone, but I couldn’t find any joy in that fact.

 

The reality of it was that I hadn’t grown at all; that I was still that weak, pathetic boy who fell into pieces the moment someone paid me any attention. How could I be so easily swayed? All Woohyun had to do was bat his eyelashes at me and feed me some pretty words, and just like that, I was his again. I let him right back into my heart, my _bed_ , and for what?

 

For nothing.

 

Deep down I knew that Woohyun would never be able to change; he would always be that boy that wanted to make everybody happy, that wanted to please all the people around him. And the sad truth was that living a double life, pretending he was straight for the sake of his family and career was something that he would be able to pull off. He was so charming, so suave… it wasn’t hard to imagine that one day he would meet another boy who would willingly become his dirty little secret.

 

My computer beeped at me angrily; it had been making that noise a lot lately. I had gone completely ghost on my best friend; unable to look at Dongwoo in the eyes and tell him what a colossal mistake I had made. I knew that Dongwoo would never be petty enough to rub it in, or to say I told you so, but I still felt… ashamed. Dongwoo had believed in me, had truly thought that I deserved somebody better than Woohyun, but after the way I had been acting… I wasn’t even sure that was true anymore.

 

Maybe love wasn’t for me; maybe it was just better… _easier_ to go on this path on my own.

 

I reluctantly pulled my laptop onto my legs, clicking at the notifications to mark them as read, and guiltily sent a message to Dongwoo. I couldn’t even come up with a real explanation, or think of what to say, so I settled for a simple _I’m sorry_. A window immediately popped up, signifying that a call was coming through.

 

I saw Dongwoo’s smiling face on the icon, and I felt the creeping sense of dread start to take over me. A part of me wanted to ignore it but… I had already done that for the past week. The call ended and a new message appeared. _I’m just going to keep calling until you pick up because I know you are on the computer!!!_ Followed by a series of emojis. I sighed, knowing that it was better to just rip the band-aid off and get it over with. I answered his next call, shrinking down into my covers as his face appeared on the screen.

 

“Kim Myungsoo, you listen to me; I do not care what you did with Woohyun. The only thing I care about is you. You’ve been ignoring me for the past week out of fear that I’ll freak out on you but I swear, I won’t! You’re my best friend and I’ve been going crazy worried about you, just please-”

 

“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t help it, I just immediately started to cry.

 

“Oh my god, Soo, I didn’t mean to-”

 

“No, no. It’s not your fault. I just keep fucking up Dongwoo. I hate that I took it out on you, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Hey, it’s okay! I promise, it’s okay. I understand why you did what you did, I just missed you, that’s all. It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about anything right now. We can just hang out for a little while, yeah? I could tell about you all about L.A.? I’ve figured out all the coolest places to visit. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could come here and see it all with me?”

 

“Yeah… yeah that would be nice.”

 

I listened as Dongwoo did what he did best; managed to make me feel better without even trying. I loved seeing him smile, hearing all the stories about the people he met and the crazy places he had visited. He had a way of just making the world seem a lot less scary, and I felt more grateful than ever than he was someone that I was lucky enough to call a friend.

 

Dongwoo was in the middle of telling a horror story about him attempting - and mostly failing - to drive on 405 Freeway when I burst into giggles.

 

“You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” I quoted, the words coming back to me in a flash.

 

“Rude! I haven’t been a virgin for many years now and I can totally drive!” Dongwoo tried to defend himself, but he ended up laughing along with me.

 

“No, no. I didn’t mean it literally… it’s a quote from a movie I watched, Clueless. The main character, Cher, is trying to get her driver’s license and it’s set in L.A. so… I just thought about it.”

 

“Mmm.” Dongwoo hummed. “Wasn’t that the first movie you watched for your film class?”

 

“Yeah.” I ran a hand through my hair. “It’s crazy to think that was so long ago. Almost two months…”

 

“The summer has been flying by pretty quickly. I’m really happy I signed you up for that class. It’s like… everytime I hear you talk about the movies and your professor, you just seem so happy. Don’t you have another meeting today?”

 

I felt the guilt starting to take over me again. I knew I had disappointed Dongwoo but the thought of facing Sungyeol was even more daunting. “I… I don’t know if I’m going to go.”

 

Dongwoo looked confused, his long pink hair falling into his face. “But why not?”

 

I shrugged my shoulders. “I didn’t go last week. With… everything that was going on, I just couldn’t. So I didn’t turn in my assignment and… I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail.” I couldn’t help it, the emotions building up inside of me starting to make me tear up again.

 

“Oh, Soo. Your professor likes you so much! Maybe you could talk to him-”

  
I wiped away a tear, feeling helpless. “Why should I? Why would he even want to give me a chance after I flaked out on him… I totally blew off his class and wasted his time, I’m sure he hates me now. ”

  
  
“Myungsoo; there is no way he hates you! You told me that he said you’re his favorite student. One week of messing up doesn’t discount all the hard work you’ve done over the entire semester! You’re going to your meeting today and that’s final.”

 

“But-” I tried to speak up but Dongwoo cut me off gently.

 

“Myungsoo. Listen… I know we aren’t supposed to talk about him but, damn it I’m not just going to sit back and watch you go to pieces all over again because of Woohyun. You _love_ your film class. You love watching those movies, you love meeting with your professor and sharing your ideas. Woohyun doesn’t get to just show up and take away another thing that you love. Something that makes you so happy. He already ruined the International Student Assocation for you. Don’t… don’t give him that much power over you. Don’t let him steal your joy away anymore. Please, Myungsoo. Please. I can’t be there with you right now and I wish I could more than anything so I could hold you and comfort you but… I know in my heart that this class has been important to you and your recovery. At the beginning of the summer you couldn’t even smile and now… when I hear you talk about that class you are so full of life and energy. It’s not stupid and it’s not trivial because it’s made a difference if your life for the better. Don’t give that up for anyone. Especially for a boy who doesn’t even deserve your sympathy, let alone your consideration.”

 

I looked down, unable to meet his eyes. “I’m scared. I’m scared to face my professor… Sungyeol. I’m scared he’ll realize that it was a waste to invest so much time in me. When he’s with me… he makes me feel like… like I matter. And he made me feel, I know it sounds ridiculous but he made me feel grown up. Like I wasn’t the shy little boy I’m so afraid of being, but a real man with ideas and dreams. When I spoke he really listened and he actually cared about me, Dongwoo. This whole summer… I thought I was maturing, that I was a new person. But now… now I’m worried all my progress was just a fantasy. That I’ll never be able to come out of my shell.”

 

“But you have Myungsoo! Even since I’ve met you, I’ve seen you change right in front of my eyes. You shouldn’t feel any shame in who you are. Myungsoo, we all mess up. I know I’ve made countless mistakes over the years; some old and some new. You can either accept that as a part of life, or you can beat yourself up over every single little thing you do wrong.”

 

“But what if it’s a big thing?” I asked nervously.

 

“Then that’s okay. You keep going. You lean on the people you can count on to help pick you back up. People like me, who will always be here for you, no matter what happens. You’re my best friend and I promise you Myungsoo, I will never give up on you. So don’t give up on yourself. Let’s go on together, yeah?”

 

My lips turned into a small smile, and I nodded my head. “Yeah. Together.”

 

“Did you watch the movie from last week?”

 

“No. I just… couldn’t get into it.”

 

Dongwoo adjusted himself on the bed, laying down on his stomach. “Well, how much time do you have before class?”

 

I glanced at the clock at the top corner of my screen. “It’s around ten in the morning here so… a little over six hours.”

 

“So here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to wipe away those tears, you’re going to get yourself cleaned up and you’re going to go to that meeting. You’re going to apologize to your professor for not showing up last week, and you’re going to turn in both of your assignments.”

 

“You think it’s worth a try?” I asked tentatively.

 

“Of course! I’m sure I can find a torrent for the movies, it’s 6 p.m. here so I’m not tired at all. We can watch both of them together and then you’ll still have enough time to write your essays. I’ve got no plans for the evening, I’d love to have a movie night with my best friend! Wouldn’t you?”

 

“Yeah… yeah I really would. You know how much I miss you.” I said honestly. I hated the fact that he was so far away from me, that we couldn’t just hang out and enjoy each other’s company the way we used to. But I wouldn’t let the distance become a barrier in our friendship, and I knew Dongwoo wouldn’t either. He smiled that toothy grin, making a heart with this two fingers just to be cute.

 

“Miss you too, Soo. Now what are the two films?”

 

“Last week was Grease and this week is The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’ve never seen either.”

 

Dongwoo clapped excitedly. “Oh my goodness, you haven’t seen Grease? It’s such a classic! You _know_ how much I adore musicals, and the T-Bones were just too cute with the leather jackets. You’ll see, you’ll totally love it! And I’ve been wanting to watch Perks, did you know Emma Watson is in it? She’s Hermione from Harry Potter, and you know how much I love her!”

 

I laughed, shaking my head. “I know very well. You forget that I lived with you, and I’ve seen your _extensive_ Harry Potter stash.”

 

“Says the boy who tried to steal my Hufflepuff scarf.”

 

“It was cold outside and you offered! Plus you're the one who swears I'd be sorted into that house with you.” I defended myself, smiling at the memory.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Go take a shower and get dressed while I download the movies. Make sure you grab some food too, I know you get forgetful with your meals sometimes.”

 

“Okay dad.” I joked, but Dongwoo just winked at me. “Meet back here in an hour?”

 

“Yup! Sounds like a plan” I nodded setting down my laptop and pulling myself out of bed. “And Myungsoo?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I’m proud of you.” Dongwoo said it so earnestly, I couldn’t help but to believe him. I managed a smile for him as I waved goodbye, and ended the call.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

It was the moment of truth.

 

I stood in front of the theater department, pacing back and forth as I tried to build up the courage to go inside. I knew that when Sungyeol saw me he would have questions, and I just wasn’t sure if I was capable of answering him honestly. The last time we had been together, it had been so wonderful; after talking about Sunggyu with him, I really felt like our friendship had been taken to a new level, that we were truly growing closer together.

 

But then after pulling a disappearing act during our last meeting and ignoring all of his attempts to speak to me, maybe I had managed to mess up that progress. I was both pleased and nervous to learn that he had reached out to check on me; on one hand it meant that I was in his thoughts enough for him to be concerned, but on the other it meant that I was the one at fault for not communicating with him.

 

I pulled out my phone, my eyes reading over his emails one last time.

 

* * *

_Hey Myungsoo ^_^_

 

_I managed to convince Jaejoong to lend me his keys again! Wanna have a repeat of last week? Grease 2 isn’t nearly as good as the original but it’s still pretty fun! I’ll bring the drinks if you bring the popcorn~_

* * *

_Hi there!_

 

_Just wondering about the plan for Friday. If you’re busy after our meeting I’ll totally understand. I just really can’t wait to hang out with you again!_

* * *

_Hey. So I never heard back from you, so I’m just going to assume we’ll meet for our 4:30 appointment time and then go our separate ways. Myungsoo… I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable or force you to spend time with me. If you have other things going on, that’s okay! I just don’t want you to be afraid to talk to me, ever. About anything._

 

_Sorry if I made things awkward :/_

* * *

_I waited in my office today for around an hour but you never showed. Myungsoo… did I do something wrong? You’ve never missed a meeting before and I can’t help but think that somehow this is my fault. I’ve been pushing you to spend time with me outside of class and I’ve made a point to get to know you on a more personal level. After we talked about Sunggyu and everything, I just thought… you know what, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that it was inappropriate for me to put you in a weird situation where you felt like you had to open up to me when you obviously weren’t ready. I just want to tell you again that I don’t judge you for anything that you told me. You’re such a great person, Myungsoo. I just… I’m sorry that I’m not handling this better. I’m not going to message you again. I don’t want to bother you anymore than I already have. I really hope you’ll show up to next week’s meeting. I won’t pressure you or anything, we can just talk about the film! No more personal stuff if you don’t want to. I understand that you’re my student and I’m your professor and that… maybe I’ve been blurring the lines a little bit. I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me for overstepping my boundaries._

 

_Just remember, the door to my office is always open for you._

_Sungyeol_

* * *

 

I sighed, putting away my phone with a grimace. Sungyeol was much too kind… he hadn’t even done anything wrong and it was obvious he was beating himself up over what I had done. If anything… I had to say sorry to him just so he would know that he hadn’t ever made a mistake with me. It was time for me to take responsibility for my actions, even if it was going to be hard.

 

Trudging up the stairs, my hands carefully held onto the little white box, a small gesture of apology that I hoped would soften the blow a bit. The movies weren’t that long so I had more time than I had anticipated, so I made a pit stop at a dessert cafe. I could only hope that Sungyeol liked my choice, that he would see the sincerity behind my little token of appreciation.

 

I saw his office door up ahead, wide open just like he said it would be. I took a took deep breath, and walked through the doorway.

 

Somehow, I felt awestruck by Sungyeol’s beauty all over again; it had only been a few weeks since I had seen him and yet, I was shaken to my core. He look tired, a lack of color in his cheeks and a his glasses were a less cheery color of black today, and he wore a simple white t-shirt and a pair of jeans. But even with the bags under his eyes and the frown on his face, he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

 

“Sungyeol.”

 

He turned in his chair, his face cycling through at least five different emotions as he stood abruptly to face me. “Myungsoo! You… you came.”

 

“Yeah. I guess I did.”

 

“I’m so-”

 

“Please.” I held up a hand to stop him. “Can I… can I go first?”

 

“Sure.” Sungyeol sat back down in his seat. I closed the door behind me, and sat tentatively in front of him. I placed the white box in front of him, and shrugged off my messenger bag.

 

“This… this is for you.” I pushed the box closer in his direction. “I know… I know it doesn’t make up for anything but… I just wanted to get you a little something to hopefully brighten your day a bit. I feel as if I’ve been a cause of stress for you lately and I hate that thought so… I hope you like it.” I finished lamely. Sungyeol reached out slowly, opening up the box to pull out the dessert.

 

“Tiramisu.” Sungyeol laughed softly. “It’s one of my favorites. How did you know?”

 

“I made an educated guess. I remembered you saying coffee was your favorite when I gave you the macarons, and I know you have a sweet tooth so… I hoped you would like it.”

 

“Myungsoo, I love it.” Sungyeol said honestly, smiling for the first time since I walked in. I reached into my bag, pulling out two forks.

 

“I was hoping, maybe you’d like to eat it together?”

 

Sungyeol nodded. “Yes, of course. I’d love that Myungsoo.” I handed him his utensil, and he didn’t hesitate to dig in. I didn’t eat much, not that I wasn’t a fan of tiramisu, but I was much too occupied with watching Sungyeol eat his dessert. He looked happy again, and that made me happy, but I still knew that the moment would only be temporarily. Once the small slice of cake was gone, I would have to admit to him the truth. It was only right.

 

Unsurprisingly, Sungyeol finished off the dessert in a few short minutes. He actually looked sheepish about it, whipping off a bit of icing from his full lips. “Sorry; I don’t think I let you have more than a couple of bites. I didn’t realize how hungry I was.”

 

“It’s no problem, really. I bought it for you; I wanted you to enjoy it.”

 

“Well, I did. Very much.” Sungyeol wiped the crumbs from his hands and threw the trash away into the bin. We sat together in silence for a few moments, both of us unsure of how to proceed. In the end, the professor spoke first.

 

“I have to admit… I wasn’t sure you were going to come today.”

 

“I wasn’t sure I was going to either. But… not for the reasons you’re thinking.” I shifted in my seat, frowning as I tried to formulate my thoughts. “Sungyeol, I read your emails and I feel terrible for ever making you feel like you made a mistake.”

 

“Myungsoo.” Sungyeol’s face started to look sad again. “I think I do still need to apologize. I’m supposed to be your mentor and instead, I’ve been pursuing something else with you.”

 

“No, that’s- that’s never been an issue for me. Truthfully, I’m honored to be your friend. These Fridays that I’ve been spending with you, they’ve been the highlight of my week. The best part of my summer. This class, meeting you… it’s impacted me more than you’ll ever know. In the beginning I thought it was just going to be another boring class but… with each new movie and each meeting with you, I found myself starting to… enjoy my life again. And for awhile, I didn’t think that was possible for me. To be happy.”

 

“Myungsoo.” Sungyeol said my name softly, but I subtly shook my head, wanting to go on.

 

“You were right, about us. About how our friendship was getting… stronger. We were getting more personal with each other but I wanted that. I wanted to be closer to you. I didn’t just open up about Sunggyu that day because I was sad. I opened up because I wanted you to understand me better. I wanted you to see me.”

 

“I do see you, Myungsoo. I do.”

 

“I know. In fact, sometimes I think you see me too well. That’s why… that’s why I didn’t come last week. It wasn’t your actions that I was upset about, it was my own.” I reached into my bag, pulling out my two essays and sliding them across his desk. “For what it’s worth, I tried to make up for it. I understand if you can’t give me any credit because they’re late but-”

 

“Myungsoo, I don’t care about the essays.” Sungyeol said incredulously. “I care about _you_. And if something has happened, something you need help with-”

 

I glanced away, shaking my head. “I just… I think you have this certain impression of me. From what I’ve presented to you in this room and the few times we’ve hung out together outside of class. I'm afraid that you think I’ve got everything together, but the truth is that I don’t. I’m… I’m barely making it through, Sungyeol. And it really sucks.”

 

Sungyeol stood up from behind his desk, pulling his chair around to come sit next to me. “Myungsoo if you’re struggling, I’m here. I can listen if you want to talk, or even if you don’t- I could just sit here with you. I just want to help you, in whatever way I can.”

 

I bit my lip, suddenly unable to meet his eyes. He was so kind, always going the extra mile to try and make me feel better. He was just such a good person, such a good friend. “But what if… what if what I told you made you think differently about me?”

 

“Myungsoo, I couldn’t think differently about you. Everyone is complicated, of course there’s more to you than it seems on the surface but… I want to know what’s underneath too. You can tell me anything.”

 

“I… I haven’t told you about my ex.”

 

“Sunggyu?”

 

“No, no. He was… he was my first but he wasn’t my most recent relationship.” Sungyeol hummed in understanding, so I continued on. “Me and my ex broke up at the end of the semester, right before summer started. It was… it was hard. I loved him. And I wanted… I wanted him to love me too.”

 

“Okay.” Sungyeol encouraged me to go on.

 

“His name was Woohyun. He was graduating but I thought… I always just assumed that I would be a part of his future, after he left school but… but I was wrong. Or maybe I wasn’t, I don’t know.”

 

“So what caused your breakup?”

 

“Well, when things started between us at the beginning of the school year, the dynamic was… different. I wasn’t really looking for love. Truthfully I was still feeling sad about Sunggyu and my best friend had just moved away to a whole nother continent, so I wasn’t trying to start a real relationship. So when we first got together, it was more of a-” I stopped suddenly, my cheeks reddening.

 

“A sexual relationship?” Sungyeol helpfully supplied, and I nodded.

 

“Yes. It was physical and it was… it was _fun_. And I thought I could handle that, but as time went on, I found myself wanting more. But it felt okay because I thought he wanted more too, that we were on the same page. We spent practically all of our free time together, and one day I woke up and I realized that I… that I was in love with him. I never said it out loud back then but… I thought it. I showed it with my actions, and with my devotion. He took care of me well in the beginning but as time went on and graduation got closer… he started to get distant. I wrote it off, made excuses for him because I didn’t want to acknowledge anything was wrong. And if I’m honest with myself, I probably would have kept lying to myself if I hadn’t caught him red handed. He didn’t want me to go to his graduation but I went anyway; while I was there I saw him kissing a girl, someone I thought was just his friend. It was… devastating.”

 

“I’m sorry that happened to you Myungsoo.” The professor said honestly.

 

“When I confronted him about it, he claimed that we were never exclusive. That it wasn’t cheating and that our relationship wasn’t serious. I felt like such a fool; for loving someone who didn’t even consider me to be a priority in his life. He left and I was alone; I had to pick up the pieces. And… I wasn’t doing such a good job of it. But then, this summer happened and I started…” I looked meaningfully at him. “Let’s just say that I found something else to focus my attentions on. I found new things and new people to make me feel happy again. And for awhile… things weren’t just good, they were _great_. I felt like I had moved on, that I had put the past behind me. But then last week, Woohyun showed up on my doorstep.”

 

Sungyeol rose his eyebrows. “He came to your apartment? Uninvited?”

 

“Yes. That same night after we talked about Sunggyu and the cafe. I was already feeling emotional and vulnerable after our talk so seeing him, I couldn’t even begin to be prepared for that. I turned him away, of course, but… he kept coming back. He showed up every day, just waiting on my doorstep. In the end, I… I gave in. I invited him inside so we could talk and-” I shook my head. “He was more than apologetic. He was able to explain everything. Suddenly all those discrepancies in his behavior, all of the questions in my head were answered. He said… he said that he loved me. Before he had never said that. So hearing it now… I didn’t realize how much I wanted that.”

 

“Oh, Myungsoo…”

 

“It was crazy because… in my head, I knew that it wasn’t real. That one apology doesn’t make up for the months of heartbreak that he put me through.”

 

“But in your heart, you wanted to forgive him. You wanted to believe what he said was real, so that it could all just be a misunderstanding.” Sungyeol guessed quite accurately.

 

“Yeah. He said that he never had any feelings for the girl, that it was just a show for his parents. That he couldn’t stop thinking about me, that he only said those harsh things because he wanted me to be able to get over him easily. But he said he couldn’t keep going on with me thinking that I didn’t mean anything to him. That he had to explain so I would understand how much he truly loved me. That he only let me go because he loved me so much and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to be with me publicly.”

 

I frowned, wringing my hands in my lap. “I should’ve… I should’ve stayed strong. I should have let him say his piece and then shown him the door. Hell, I should have never let him inside in the first place. But when he was saying all of those things, swearing that he never stopped loving me, I was weak. It felt good… to hear him say it because it validated my feelings. And when he kissed me, I didn’t stop him.” I began to tear up. “God, I was so fucking stupid.”

 

“You’re not stupid, Myungsoo. You’re not.”

 

“I should’ve known better! I should’ve stopped him, I should’ve pushed him away but I didn’t. I let him… I let him touch me after all those awful things he had done to me in the past. I let him just come back into my life and use me again and I… I’ve never felt so ashamed of myself.”

 

“Myungsoo, it’s okay.” Sungyeol rubbed my back. “I promise you, you are not the first person to sleep with their ex. People do it all the time. He’s familiar to you, and obviously you cared very deeply for him. There’s no shame in wishing that he was being honest about his feelings. You wanted to feel like all the time you spent with him actually meant something. It’s only natural Myungsoo.”

 

I shook my head. “It’s not like it matters anymore. I ended things for good this time; I don’t ever want to see him again.”

 

Sungyeol adjusted his glasses, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to figure out how much to question me. “Can I… what made you come to that decision?”

 

“I wish I could say that I was self aware enough to know that I was making a big mistake. But the reality is that I caught him in another lie. Well, not an _actual_ one, more of a lie of omission. But still… I was under the impression that he sought me out because he ended things with the girl. Turns out that he just wanted me to become his secret all over again. He never had intentions of leaving her. He claims that he doesn’t love her, that he only loves me, and it’s just for appearances but… I just, I can’t live like that. I can’t go through that roller coaster again where I’m constantly second guessing every move I make and every word he speaks. I don’t want to have to compete for my boyfriend’s attention. I want to feel secure, I want to feel _happy_.”

 

Sungyeol looked at me straight in the eyes. “You deserve that.”

 

“Who even knows anymore.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I told him to forget where I lived, to lose my number. I think… I think he’ll leave me alone now. This time, it felt like it was really over; for good.” I looked down at the floor guiltily. “I just feel terrible for standing you up. I was so… caught up in my own drama that I didn’t stop to think of how my disappearing act would affect you. I can’t believe you sat here, waiting for me, and I didn’t even bother to send an email to say I wouldn’t make it. I’m sorry for being such a terrible friend; you deserve so much better.”

 

“Myungsoo, I told you that’s not important. I’m just… really relieved that I hadn’t misunderstood our friendship. I didn’t want to think for even a moment that I had made you uncomfortable, or even afraid to speak to me.”

 

My voice rose subconsciously. “Never!” I paused, my fingers pulling at my jeans frustratingly. “Sungyeol… when I talk to you, it’s like… it’s like suddenly I can say anything. I tell you my stories and you actually listen. You _care_. The advice you give me, I really do take it to heart. It’s part of the reason I was so nervous to see you again. I thought for sure that you would think I was a complete idiot for even entertaining the idea of getting back together with my ex.”

 

“Myungsoo, sometimes we have to make mistakes in order to grow. If you were to ask me honestly if I think you should give Woohyun another chance, I couldn’t tell you yes because I don’t believe a guy that has ever hurt you like that could manage to make it up to you. But in the end, my opinion wasn't necessary. You managed to come to the conclusion that you don’t need Woohyun all on your own. I’m happy that you were the one to leave him this time; not the other way around.”

 

“I know you’re thinking about the big picture, and I wish I could too, but I just feel so…. so drained. Like no matter how hard I try to move forward, to try and find my way, I just keep getting lost. I’m so tired Sungyeol; I’m tired of feeling like this.”

 

“Myungsoo… you aren’t alone in this. Everyone goes through rough patches. Everyone has regrets, things that they’ve done that they wish they could take back-”

 

“Even you?” I asked, feeling curious and a little bit hopeful that he would be able to relate to me. That he could understand where I was coming from.

 

Sungyeol frowned. “It’s funny… you’re so worried that I will think less of you because of your choices. You don’t even realize that I have the same exact fears. That I think if you really knew me, some of the things that I’ve done before, that your opinion of me would change.” He looked sad, his large eyes looking downcast. “I know it might sound silly to you but… I’ve always done my best to show you the good side of me. To try and impress you.”

 

“But you have! You do. I wasn’t kidding at all when I said meeting you this summer was the best thing to happen to me. I really mean that.”

 

“I know you do Myungsoo. You’ve always been nothing but honest with me, so it’s only right that I do the same with you.”

 

“If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. Just because I like to come here and spill out all my secrets doesn’t mean I can expect you to do the same. I understand if you want to keep some things private-”

 

“No, no. I… I want to tell you Myungsoo. Hearing about your past, with Sunggyu and Woohyun, it’s made me understand you so much more. I can see now why you can be so timid, so shy to share how you are really feeling. When I met you there was a sadness about you, and I just wanted to make it go away. I just hope you won’t judge me too harshly.”

 

“I’m sure whatever you’ve done, it’s nothing compared to the mistakes I’ve made.”

 

Sungyeol scoffed. “Really? You’ve had an affair with a married man twice your age too?”

 

I blinked, caught completely off guard. “Wait- _what_?!”

 

The professor pulled up his glasses, squeezing the bridge of his nose as he smiled bitterly. “Yup. Definitely one of my proudest moments in life.” He said sarcastically. “Sometimes when I think back on it, I can’t even believe I let myself sink so low but… it happened. But I made those decisions and I have to own it.”

 

“But- but why?” I couldn’t comprehend it, the idea of Sungyeol, someone who had always been so caring and bright, having an affair? It didn’t seem like something he would do.

 

“Myungsoo, the truth is there is no justification for my actions. I could have destroyed a marriage because of my selfishness, and I… I have to live with that.”

 

“But there has to be a reason! I know you, you wouldn’t just do something like that without a reason!” I stressed, trying my best to make sense of it all.

 

“You remember how I told you that in high school I wasn’t being true to myself?” I nodded, urging him to go on. “Well, it should be no surprise that the thing I was struggling with was my sexuality. I… I was so terrified of coming out of the closet, of being outed that in a way, I think I kept everyone around me at an arm’s length so they wouldn’t discover my secret. When I was in my senior year, our school was putting on this musical, Wicked. I had never cared about theater before but one of the teachers asked me to join up, said I would be perfect for this role, and I figured why not? It couldn’t hurt to add a few more things to my extracurriculars for my college applications. I ended up getting the part; Fiyero Tiggular, my first ever role on the stage.” He laughed at the memory.

 

“Of course I panicked; I thought since I was new that I was just going to be part of the ensemble. But suddenly I had tons of lines and _solo_ songs and I was just so overwhelmed. Truthfully I wanted to quit but… the director approached me. Told me how great I was, that he thought I had real talent. At first I just thought he was being nice but over the weeks, as rehearsals began and the play started coming together, he made a point to seek me out. He made sure to go over lines with me after class or to help me with my singing. I told him how nervous I was about the musical numbers and he offered to be my vocal coach. I felt so lucky, that he had taken such a strong interest in me. It felt like… he was the first person to truly see _me_ , underneath all the fake bravado and smiles.”

 

Sungyeol trailed off, his eyes looking far off into the distance as he got absorbed into his memories. “I don’t know why it happened… or how he even know I wouldn’t reject him but… one night we were alone in the theater and he just kissed me. I remember feeling the strangest mix of emotions; I was thrilled because it was my first kiss with a _man_. Of course I had been with girls before but I was never really into it so I didn’t really dwell on it. But at the same time I was in shock because my _teacher_ had just kissed me. I just remember being frozen, like time had come to a complete stand still, but then he kissed me again and things just… happened from there. We never meet up in public, and I never said a thing to any of my friends. But each week after my vocal lessons, we would fool around. It was… dangerous but that just made the whole thing that much more thrilling. I felt so… desirable. Like I went from being invisible to being the sexiest guy in the room. I felt honored that he had chosen me; he was older and so handsome. Everyone at our school loved him, thought he was the coolest guy. I remember thinking _gosh, they’d all be so jealous of me, if only they knew._ ”

 

He stopped again, shaking his head. “I got in over my head; plain and simple. Everything in my life began to revolve around the show, when I could see him again. Of course at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with this; I was having a lot of fun acting and not just a boy, but a _man_ had finally noticed me. So when opening night happened and we did the curtain call, all I could think about was when I would get the chance to sneak away with him again for a private celebration. Imagine my surprise when I found him backstage with his wife on his arm.”

 

“You didn’t know?” I asked quietly.

 

“No… he had never mentioned it. And even when I saw her I wouldn’t say that I was heartbroken, but more just… surprised. I couldn’t understand why he was spending so much time with me if he was supposed to be with her. If I was a stronger person, a _better_ person, I would have ended it, right then and there. But… but I didn’t. I guess it was fitting; my character in the musical ended up being the Scarecrow; the one who didn’t have a brain. And off stage, unfortunately I lived up to those low expectations.”

 

“You continued to see him?”

 

“Yeah. The show’s run ended and I told myself that I wouldn’t sign up for the next semester’s production. But once winter break was over the director approached me about working with him again for the spring play, said that he had another great role just for me and I… I couldn’t make myself say no. In my heart I knew it was wrong, I knew I was playing with fire but I did it anyway. I only managed to keep my distance for a couple weeks but sure enough, we started hooking up again. It’s probably the thing that I feel most embarrassed to admit. Truthfully, I’ve never admitted to anyone what I did with him. I was too humiliated to admit that I allowed myself to be played for such a fool.”

 

We sat in silence for a few moments. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to comfort him or how to justify his actions. But somehow I knew that he wouldn’t want me to.

 

Sungyeol sighed deeply, giving me a sad smile. “I wish I could say that I was like you. That I knew I was making a mistake and that I was the one to decide to leave him behind. But the reality is so much worse. In the end, he was the one to break things off between us. He knew I was leaving for college and he didn’t see the point in us keeping in contact. I don’t think- I’m not sure I would call what I felt for him love but… it still hurt me pretty badly when he decided he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I knew all along that we weren’t going to be together forever but it still hit me hard.”

 

“That must have been difficult for you.” I started, wanting to help him somehow but falling short. “I know you said you regret that time but it’s obvious that things got better for you. When I look at you now, I don’t see someone who is still hurting.”

 

“You’re right. I moved away from home, from all reminders of him and what we had done together, and I started my life here. In the beginning I had sworn off acting, the idea of it reminding me too much of the director. And I was absolutely miserable. But then I realized that it wasn't the director that I was missing, but the stage. I had completely fallen in love with theater, not him. So I decided not to let him take it away from me. Acting makes me feel… _alive_. I can go on stage and become whoever I want to be. I can make the audience laugh, I can make them cry. I can connect with them in a way that matters, and I refuse to give that up for a man who never even took me on a date. So I changed my major to theater, and somehow, many years later I ended up here; sitting in this room with you. I know what I did was wrong back then, and if I’m honest, now that I’m a little older and hopefully a bit wiser, I know that I had no business getting involved with someone so much older than me. The power imbalance between us was crazy and it’s not a stretch to think that some of my actions might have been manipulated under his influence but… I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I don’t want to waste anymore of my energy or time wishing that he would have treated me right. Does that make sense?”

 

“Yeah… yeah, I think it does.”

 

Sungyeol grinned, turning to face me again. “You know the movie for this week, it’s based on a novel. And the book is just… _powerful_. There’s this one line that I think I’ll never forget.”

 

“What was it?” I asked curiously.

 

“ _We accept the love we think we deserve_.” Sungyeol recited, a wistful smile on his face. “You know, everyone in life has to eventually make a choice. If you’d rather be comfortable with whatever is given to you, or if you’ll risk it all for something better. You think that you should be embarrassed of what you’ve done in your past but in my eyes… I think that you should be proud. Because you made a choice. You made a choice to be daring; you made a choice to hope for more. We accept the love we think we deserve. And instead of choosing what was easy, what was familiar, you chose yourself. You chose uncertainty in the pursuit of real happiness. And Myungsoo… I think that’s beautiful.”

 

I felt touched by his words, my heart aching at his kindness and his sincerity. I knew that he wasn’t faking it, that he truly thought the best of me. That he _believed_ in me. And his support meant the world to me at a time like this.

 

Sungyeol nudged me on the shoulder. “You know, you actually kind of remind me a lot of Charlie. His heart was always in the right place, but sometimes he just didn’t know how to get where he needed to go. I hope I can be someone that you can grow to count on Myungsoo. I really mean that.”

 

“Thank you Sungyeol. And you should know; I believe in you too.”

  
“Thanks.” He smiled at me, reaching over to pat me on the back. His phone suddenly buzzed on the table, and he excused himself to answer the call. I didn’t bother to eavesdrop, my head too full of thoughts after our conversation to focus on it. After a few minutes he ended the call, turning to me with an apologetic look.

 

“Sorry, that was my friend. He needs an extra for this scene he’s filming, wanted to know if I was available. I told him I’m busy though, so-”

 

“No, it’s okay.” I stood up, grabbing my bag and slinging it over my shoulder. “Your friend needs you, and you’re not the type to let a friend down.”

 

Sungyeol sighed, clearly conflicted. “But Myungsoo, if you need me right now-”

 

“I’ll be okay. Really Sungyeol.” I assured him, and for once, it didn’t seem like a lie.

 

“Alright, if you insist.” He typed out a message to his friend, sending off the text and pocketing his phone. “Well I gotta run but before I go, I brought something for you today too. I wasn’t sure if you would come but I had hoped and-” He stopped suddenly, shaking his head. “Well anyway; I hope you enjoy it.” He shuffled behind his desk, pulling out a book from one of the drawers in his desk. It was a small black book, and I immediately recognized the title. The teacher smiled, pushing his hands into his pockets sheepishly. “It’s my personal copy. I’ve had it forever, read it more times than I can count. I might have highlighted some things, wrote in the margins,  _and_ earmarked a few pages over the years but… this book meant the world to me back when I was starting college. It was… just the thing I needed to read, it made me realize that I was a little less alone in this world than I thought I was and I think… I think it might be able to help you too.”

 

His copy of The Perks of Being A Wallflower was obviously well loved, the pages soft in a way that only a well used book could be. There was a little bookmark sticking out of the top, and I opened the book up to find a passage highlighted in pink.

 

“ _Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is._ ” I read out loud, looking up at Sungyeol as I finished.  

 

“I still haven’t quite figured out who I really am. Or who I want to be.” Sungyeol confessed, smiling softly at me. “But I hope that when I do, you’ll still be by my side so I can make the choice to share it with you.”

  
I held the book close to my chest, right over my heart. Things were changing, and life wasn’t ever going to slow down. Maybe it was time for me to put myself first, to figure out what - or who - I really wanted. My eyes might have been a bit teary and my voice might have cracked just a little when I agreed to try, but I could tell by the warm look in his pretty brown eyes that he understood me all the same.

 

* * *

A/N: so we finally get some insight into sungyeol’s past! it was important to me to show that sungyeol isn’t perfect. it’s true that we’ve been seeing been him through myungsoo’s rose tinted glasses, so i thought it was time for sungyeol to open up about some of the less than great things he’s done before meeting myungsoo. this chapter made me sad (big surprise) but it also made me feel optimistic about their futures. it’s obvious they both care deeply about one another at this point and that they both can lean on one another to better heal those old heartaches. next chapter is the end of the semester, which means this story is coming to a close. it think it's time for myungsoo to find his happy ending!  
  
comment and let me know if you agree!  
♡ ray


	8. week eight

**six.**

 

 

My fingertip traced over the page, my mind rereading the same passage over and over.

 

_So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them._

 

The quote was highlighted in neon yellow, with a star inked in pen next to the beginning. It made a part of me feel like I was seeing something I wasn’t supposed to, knowing that at some point in Sungyeol’s life these words had been important enough for him to mark it as special, something worth remembering.

 

It resonated with me, the way that Charlie spoke about himself. I knew what that felt like, to be a part of something while simultaneously being on the outside of it. I didn’t have to the power to change my past, to erase my mistakes but… I could choose my future. I could still make an effort to become more involved with the outside world, to make more friends, to make this time count. I didn’t want to be a wallflower, I wanted to be remembered. And to know that at one point in his life, Sungyeol had felt the exact same way, that he had managed to forge his own path and become happier for it… it gave me more than hope, it gave me a _dream_.

 

Truthfully, I hadn’t been able to put down the book since Sungyeol lent it to me. Not only was the story just as spellbinding as Sungyeol had promised, but in a way it was like having a secret view into a younger Sungyeol’s inner thoughts. Some of his notes in the book were short, and some parts the pages were crinkled in little messy circles, almost as if a tear had fallen onto the page while he was reading. It was sad but exhilarating all at once; to see the visual proof of Sungyeol’s struggle with himself, with his identity, and to know that he had trusted me enough to invite me in and let me take a look.

 

I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him since our last meeting. The days were going by too quickly, and I knew that the time for goodbyes would come. It was the final week of the semester, and soon enough, I wouldn’t be able to call Sungyeol my professor anymore.

 

Like the book had said, _life doesn’t stop for anybody_. I folded it closed and slipped it into my messenger bag, a glance at my clock on the bedroom wall letting me know it was time to start getting ready.

 

It was only Wednesday, but I was staring at my open closet, trying to figure out what to wear to what felt like a funeral; the end of something important that I had loved so dearly. Sungyeol had sent out a mass email to the class on Monday, instructing his students about the change in plans.

 

 

* * *

 

_Hello class!_

  
_So it turns out that in order to take our “final” we all have to be in the same room. So! I’ve decided to rework the schedule a little bit. As you all know (and probably could predictably guess) the last movie of the course will be The Breakfast Club. I’d like for us all to watch this movie together in the classroom, and our final will just be a quick questionnaire about your feelings on the course as a whole. I’d like this to be a fun experience for all of us, so please feel free to bring snacks, drinks, and a pillow if you need to! (I know the chairs aren’t the most comfortable ^^) Just show up with a smile, and you’ll get full credit!_

 

_We’ll meet on Wednesday at 2 pm in the same classroom we held our orientation in. I look forward to seeing each and every one of you there. In just in case I forget to say it in person, it has been a pleasure teaching all of you this summer._

 

_Sungyeol_

 

* * *

 

 

In a way it was sweet, and a part of me felt like Sungyeol was also feeling a bit sad about his time teaching coming to an end. I thought it was great that he wanted the class to spend some time together, and honestly, what student would ever complain about an easy final?

 

But for me, today was so much more than just attending a class. It would be seeing Sungyeol again, after we had been so open and honest with each other, and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out if I wanted things to be different or the same. I guess in a way, a part of _me_ felt different. After talking with Sungyeol about what had happened with Woohyun, what I wanted for my future… I hoped that he would see me as someone who had potential. He said he wanted to stay by my side, and I wished like hell that he really meant it.

 

I looked out my open window, the slight breeze doing nothing to mask the unforgiving sun. I pulled on a pair of black shorts and a gray graphic tee that Dongwoo had got me for my last birthday. I pulled a black cap on top of my messy hair, not having enough presence of mind to try and look any more presentable.

 

The walk to the theater building was almost second nature by now, my legs moving on autopilot as a navigated through campus. But I did have to pull out my phone and glance at the syllabus once inside, not quite remembering the room number from way back in week one. It wasn’t hard to find, the building wasn’t that big to begin with, so in no time at all I was walking into the room.

 

Sungyeol already had the projector set up, the DVD title menu currently occupying the screen. The little theme music was playing on a loop, and my classmates were milling about the room. Some people actually had brought pillows, and one couple had pushed some desks out of the way to lay out a picnic blanket. People were pulling out snacks and soda, and Sungyeol was at the center of it all, leaning against his desk with that trademark gummy smile that I adored so much.

  
Today he was a vision in purple, the light colored button up rolled up at the sleeves to show off the milky skin of his forearms. He paired it with some cream shorts and some dark brown loafers, and I would have been alarmed by how alluring I found the shape of Sungyeol’s ankles, but awhile ago I had accepted that practically any and everything the man did would be attractive to me in some way.

 

He glanced up when I walked into the room, his thick rimmed brown glasses settled on the tip of his long nose, and he called out to me with a friendly wave. “Good afternoon, Myungsoo! Just sit anywhere, we’re going to get started soon!”

 

I nodded, grabbing an empty seat the back and settled in. Sungyeol chatted with a few girls, but I didn’t make any attempts to go engage him in a conversation. I knew that he would get interrupted anyway, and like he said, he would be starting the movie soon. I decided to just focus on the film for the time being; I would get my chance to properly speak with him later. At 2 p.m. on the dot, Sungyeol picked up the remote and called the classroom to attention.

 

“Okay. Let’s get started everyone. I just wanted to say thank you all for coming today, as if you had a choice.” The students laughed appropriately. “But seriously; I really think you’ll love this movie. The Breakfast Club was not only an important film in cinema, but a defining moment in a generation. The success of this movie led to the birth of the teen movie genre, and ultimately, the conception of this class. I have the surveys here, and I will pass them out to you now. There’s only a couple of questions, so don’t get too nervous. Once the film is over, please fill out your survey and then you will be free to go.” Sungyeol wandered around the room, passing out the little sheets of paper to the students. “In case I don’t get the chance to speak to you at the end of class, let me take this moment to say that it was been wonderful teaching Introduction to American Film, and I sincerely hope that my choice of movies has led you to have an interest in the genre. Thank you for all of your hard work over the summer, and if you ever see me on or off campus, please do not hesitate to come up to me and say hello. I’m sure I won’t be forgetting any of you, since you helped make my first teaching experience so special. Thanks again, and please, enjoy The Breakfast Club!” We all broke into polite applause, some of my classmates whistling as Sungyeol pressed play to begin the movie. He took a little bow, and flicked off the lights.

 

The room fell quiet then, everyone turning their attention to the film as the opening credits started to play. I did the same, so I was a little startled when I heard Sungyeol’s voice whisper in my ear.

 

“Hey.” I jumped a bit in my seat, and Sungyeol smiled apologetically. “Sorry, didn’t mean to catch you off guard. I just noticed you didn’t bring any snacks, I thought I’d share?”

 

“Oh. Thanks, yeah.” I reached my hand out, taking a few of the offered cookies and cream pepero sticks. Sungyeol scooted our desks a bit closer together, angling it so then the box could rest in between us. He shifted down in his seat, his eyes drawn to the screen, a wistful smile on his face as he watched the film. I forced myself to tear my eyes away from him, to give the movie adequate attention because I knew it was special to Sungyeol. I had enjoyed all his film choices so far, so I knew this one wouldn’t be a letdown by any means. And as the film got going, inviting us into the lives of five different teenagers who couldn’t be more different, I found myself smiling too.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

_We think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question?_

 

_Sincerely yours,  
The Breakfast Club_

 

The room broke into applause as the ending credits rolled, and Sungyeol stood up from his spot next to me to make his way to the front of the room. He flipped on the lights but left the movie going, the music upbeat and synthy in a way that only a true 80's song could be.

 

“Did you guys like the movie?” Sungyeol asked cheekily, the atmosphere in the room already clearly answering his question.

 

“Yes!” We all yelled back, and he laughed.

 

“Awesome. Fill out your surveys and have a lovely rest of the summer!”

 

I glanced down at my questionnaire, grabbing a pencil from my bag to start filling it out. It was only three questions, so I knew it would take no time at all to complete it.

 

 **What was your favorite movie that we watched?**  
I enjoyed every single one of them, for completely different reasons. It’s too difficult to just pick one.

 

**Would you enroll in a film class again?**

If you were teaching it, in a heartbeat.

 

**What has been the best part of taking this class?**

 

My hand paused, and I glanced up to the front of the room. Sungyeol was leaning back against his desk, taking completed surveys from students and wishing them well as they left. But in a room full of people, all laughing and smiling and talking amongst each other, I could only see him. I looked back down at the question, and I chose to answer to answer it from my heart.

 

**What has been the best part of taking this class?**

Getting to meet you.

 

I waited for the rest of the students to pack up and turn in their final, until it was only me and Sungyeol left in the room. I folded my paper in half, sliding my bag on my shoulder as I walked through the desks to meet him.

 

“The last student to enroll in the class. The last student to sign up for my teaching hours. And now, you’re the last student to turn in his final.” Sungyeol said cheekily, no menace in his words, just amusement.

 

“I guess I can be a pretty predictable guy.”

 

“Not at all. You’ve kept me guessing all summer, Myungsoo.” Sungyeol’s eyes were on me, looking at me in that way that made me feel exposed and hot all over. I handed him my paper, and our fingers brushed.

 

I looked up at my professor, memorizing his face up close. He was so beautiful and I was lovestruck, but I didn’t know what to do now that this was coming to an end. “I guess the class is officially over now, right?”

 

“Yup.” Sungyeol looked around the room, crossing his arms. “It’s been kind of a wild ride but… I don’t think I would trade it for anything. I learned a lot about myself this summer.”

 

“Me too.” I said earnestly, shifting on my feet. “And I made a really great friend.” Sungyeol laughed, but this time it sounded a little sad.

 

“Yeah… a great friend.” Sungyeol repeated.

 

“So I guess, this is goodbye?” I asked, hoping my voice didn’t betray just how panicked I felt about the prospect.

 

“Yeah. I think it is.” The professor managed a smile, and opened up his arms. “Could I have a hug?”

 

“Sure.” I said, reaching forward to embrace him. He held me in his arms, the little bit of height difference he had on me making his cheek settle on top of my head. He patted my back, squeezing me just a bit tighter than he had to. I heard the music from the movie playing in the background, the words repeating over and over.

 

_Don’t you forget about me._

 

Oh, how I wished that would be true; that he would never forget about me, about how important this summer was for the both of us. I didn’t want to let Sungyeol go, but I couldn’t deny that the time had come for me to have to step away from him.

 

“Thank you… thank you for everything.” I whispered, not wanting to shatter the moment but unable to hold the words back.

 

“Anything for my favorite student.” Sungyeol let me go, and I had to clench my fists to stop myself from reaching out to try and pull him back in. I took a step back, putting a little distance between us so I wouldn’t be tempted to touch him again.

 

“Goodbye Sungyeol.”

 

He adjusted his glasses, the habit betraying his anxiety. “Goodbye Myungsoo.”

 

I walked towards the door, but couldn’t resist looking back one last time. Sungyeol was looking straight at me, a mixture of longing and regret in his eyes that I couldn’t comprehend, making something deep inside of me ache. He offered me one last little wave, but I had to turn away first.

 

I didn’t want his last memory of me to be ruined by my tears.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

“You really think it’s a good idea?”

 

“Yeah.” I mumbled back.

 

Dongwoo sighed, crossing his arms in a huff. “Myungsoo! You aren’t even listening to me!”

 

“I am!” I tried to save face but my best friend wasn’t having it.

 

“You were totally zoning out. I just asked you if I should shave my head just to check if you were paying attention, and you said yes!” The pink haired man started to pout. “I know it can be boring listening to me go on and on about my job, but if you don’t want to hear about it just tell me and I can talk about something else. I didn’t mean to hog the conversation, I’m just really excited about working for this label and I think it might even pan out to a real job offer after graduation.”

 

“Oh my god, Dongwoo. You are _never_ boring. You are officially the least boring person I’ve ever known! I swear I always want to hear about what’s going on with you. My lack of response has nothing to do with the topic of conversation, I’m just really tired. I was up all last night.”

 

“Oh really? Did you go out or something? I thought you had your film final.”

 

I shook my head. “Nah, after class I just came back home. But I couldn’t sleep at all. My head was just… too full with thoughts and everytime I closed my eyes I just kept thinking…” I trailed off, unsure of how to continue. My friend waited patiently, his cheek resting on his fist as he watched me. “I don’t know. I just… I can’t help but feeling like I screwed up things with my professor.”

 

“Well, what did you do?”

 

“Nothing. And that’s… kind of the problem.”

 

Dongwoo’s forehead pinched cutely as he struggled to make sense of my half answers. “Okay, I’m definitely missing something here. Last time we talked you worked things out with your professor, and he gave you credit for your late essays. If you attended his final and told him how much you enjoyed his class, what else could there be to possibly mess up?”

 

I frowned to myself, unsure if I should tell my best friend about the depths of my emotion for Sungyeol. Dongwoo knew he was my professor but I had always felt too silly to admit that I was crushing on someone so obviously out of my league. But now… the class was over and there was no guarantee that I would even see my professor again, let alone get the chance to continue developing our relationship. I just didn’t see the point in being secretive anymore.

 

“So… I haven’t exactly told you the full story about Sungyeol.”

 

“Okay. Fill me in.”

 

I smiled despite myself; Dongwoo was just so… amazing sometimes. He was always so willing to listen to me without judgement. I wondered for what must have been the thousandth time how I was so lucky to score such a caring best friend.

 

“Well... god, I don’t even know where to start. I guess it was from the beginning? The first moment I saw him… I don’t know why but he just… took my breath away. He was beautiful and you could just tell when you listened to him speak that he really was a kind person, that he had a good heart. When I think about that first day… I can just picture him perfectly. The way he smiled at me, the words he spoke. I can’t explain it but from our initial meeting, there was just a connection between us. Sure we talked about the movies I had to watch for class but as the time went on, we started to discuss other things. Get more personal. And before I knew it we were spending time together outside of class, hanging out and actually being friends. It was… unexpected but really, really _nice_. I know it sounds crazy because when you actually think about the amount of time we spent together it hardly amounts to anything but… the idea of not seeing him tomorrow, or any other Friday for that matter, not having a weekly excuse to talk to him and laugh with him and just _look_ at him… I just feel so lost.”

 

I flicked my eyes up to the screen cautiously, but was surprised to see Dongwoo beaming at me with a huge grin. “...What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

Dongwoo giggled, clapping his hands. “You don’t understand. This _entire_ summer I have been trying to figure out what is going on with you. There was just something a little different, but _good_ different and I could never quite put my finger on it. You just seemed happier, healthier, and now I know why. Myungsoo, it’s because you found someone new! Something who was worth your time. You’re falling in love and I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it when it was happening right in front of my eyes!”

 

“You mean thousands of miles away through a computer screen?” I said somewhat sarcastically, but that didn’t damper Dongwoo’s mood in the slightest.  


“I’m just saying, everything makes a lot more sense now. Why you were always so excited to talk about your film class, why you were so worried about what your professor thought of you… I’m just glad that you’re finally interested in a boy that cares about you the same way you care about him.”

 

“But how can you say that! You don’t even know him!”

 

“I don’t have to, Myungsoo. I know that you don’t believe me but… you are a fucking _catch_. You’re literally one of the most gorgeous men I’ve ever seen and you’re an absolute sweetheart. I know you don’t think too highly of yourself and it drives me crazy that I can’t make you believe it but… _trust me_ when I say that any boy who is lucky enough to be the object of your affections is not going to take that lightly. I’m sure that Sungyeol was just as enamored with you and that’s why he made an effort to spend time with you outside of class. I mean, come on, didn’t you even tell me that he said you were his favorite student one time?”

 

“He actually said it more than once.” I corrected him, unable to help myself. “But you don’t understand! He has like… really, really hot friends. Every boy he’s ever introduced me to is like a _model_ -”

 

“Myungsoo, people literally say the same thing about you!” Dongwoo said exasperatedly. “Do you know what my friends said back home when they saw pictures of you? _Who is that guy? He’s so fucking hot. Did you hook up with him because I wish I could!_ And granted, I had to fudge the details a little bit because I didn’t exactly want to broadcast our little drunken tryst to my entire friend group but still! The point is that I have _yet_ to meet a single person on this Earth who does not think you are beautiful!”

 

I laughed, shaking my head at my ridiculous friend. “It’s normal to be self conscious about your looks! Let me live.”

 

“I will when you accept that you are amazing and that boys most definitely want you! Seriously, the fact that you look the way you do _and_ you actually have a good heart? I promise you, this Sungyeol was probably tripping over himself trying to make himself available to you. Let me guess, he was the first one to instigate hanging out and becoming friends?”

 

“Well… yeah, but-”

 

“There are no buts! Listen Myungsoo, a long time ago a very wise but will not be mentioned ex boyfriend of mine taught me a very important fact about relationships. He said that 'when a boy wants to spend time with you, he will _make_ time for you'. Now Sungyeol had _multiple_ students that he met with each week, but you were the _only one_ that he sought out. _You_ were the person that he chose to get close to. _You_ were the person he was always so happy to see. I just wish you could stop second guessing yourself for five seconds and actually see what is in front of you! I’m telling you, this boy was probably sending you all the signals in the world but you didn’t pick up on any of them! I bet you yesterday he wanted you to ask him out, but he was afraid to bring it up since he couldn’t get a good read on how you were feeling about him.”

 

“He did ask me for a hug…”

 

“Oh my _god_.”

 

“But what if you’re wrong?” I said nervously. “What if it’s just all built up in my head and now that the class is over, he doesn’t feel the same way? Say I were to confess. Tell him that my feelings were stronger than just wanting to be his friend. He could turn me down and then whatever would be left our friendship would be ruined-”

 

“Myungsoo, don’t you get it? You haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. You could barely sleep. Your heart is telling you that Sungyeol is something important, something that you should hold onto. Is there a chance that it could end in heartbreak? Of course. But that’s just life. Nothing worth holding onto comes easy. But what if _you’re_ wrong? What if you let your insecurities get the best of you, and you never tell him how you feel? You could miss out on love Myungsoo. And _I know_ , trust me I know that your heart has had a tough go of it these past couple years. But if you aren’t willing to take that chance, if you aren’t willing to fight for Sungyeol, then you’ll never have him. Isn’t it better to know for sure than to spend your life wondering what could have been?”

 

I took a deep breath, looking at my friend. I knew Dongwoo was sincere, and I knew he would always want the best for me. It was scary… to think about putting my heart on the line, to risk letting a boy hurt me all over again, but I couldn’t deny that he spoke the truth. If I just let yesterday be the end of me and Sungyeol, then it still would be an end. And if we were going to part ways, then it shouldn’t be with any assumptions or half spoken truths. Sungyeol had done so much for me this summer, he drew me out of my shell and he introduced me to this entire part of myself that I didn’t even know was there. The least I could do for him was give him my honesty in return.

 

“You know… if this goes badly I might be an even bigger mess than I was at the beginning of the summer. And that’s saying something.”

 

“I know. But I’ll always be here for you, to help you put yourself back together.”

 

I rubbed my hands over my face, my legs bouncing with pent up energy. “I’m really going to do this? I’m going to confess?”

 

“Yeah. I think you are.” Dongwoo said warmly, his thick lips pulled into a grin. “And lucky for you, you just so happen to have a hopeless romantic for a best friend. I’m thinking we could come up with something worthy enough of him granting you a date.”

 

“It’s going to be a long night, isn’t it?” I said with a smile of my own.

 

“Yup.” Dongwoo agreed happily. “But something tells me that by tomorrow, it will all be worth it.”

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

I shuffled my feet outside of Sungyeol’s office door. I had already peeked inside and sure enough, he was right where I expected him to be; sitting behind his desk with a far away look in his eyes as he stared out the window. He hadn’t spotted me yet, so I ducked back into the hallway to gather my courage.

 

Dongwoo and I had been over the plan for what felt like a hundred times; I knew what I had to say but now that I was here, separated from the object of my affections by a thin wall, I couldn’t help but feel nervous. The little prickles of anxiety were crawling across my skin, and suddenly the tie around my neck felt a little too tight. I kind of felt silly about my outfit but Dongwoo had insisted, said something along the lines of _you look so damn good in that suit that no gay man would be able to turn you down_ and at the moment that was the kind of reassurance that I needed.

 

But now that I had walked across campus in the broad daylight in the middle of summer wearing a black suit and tie, I couldn’t help but feel silly. I willed myself to push it down, to focus on the here and now. There was a reason that I was here, there was a reason I had dressed up. There was a man on the other side of that wall that I couldn’t stop thinking about, and I owed him my truth.

 

I had already set up on the roof, and I was still sending up a prayer of thanks that the access door had been mercifully left unlocked. This was just the first step; and hopefully if things went well, I would be able to escort my professor to my surprise. I picked out everything meticulously; the food, the dessert, the wine. Hopefully he would not only enjoy it, but wish to enjoy it with _me_.

 

I shook my shoulders, chasing away any last tendrils of doubt. This was it; the time to man up and put it all on the line. I took a deep breath, and walked in.

 

Sungyeol perked up in his seat, a look of true surprise in his eyes as he took in my appearance. “Myungsoo?” But it morphed quickly into happiness as he stood. “Hey, what a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon. Please make yourself comfortable.” He motioned to the empty seat on the other side of his desk; the spot I had occupied as if it was my own. “It’ll be just like old times.”

 

“Actually, I can’t. Had something else in mind.” I straightened out my jacket, squaring my shoulders, trying to reach deep down into myself for any and all confidence I might have had tucked somewhere inside of me. I wasn’t one for bravado, hell I wasn’t even good at flirting, but this, _this_ was important. It was time for me to impress Sungyeol, anyway that I could.

 

“That must explain the outfit.” Sungyeol guessed. “You look great; he must be a lucky guy.”

 

“Who?” I asked, a little confused.

 

Sungyeol pushed his hands into his jean pockets, shrugging his shoulders. “The guy you’re meeting tonight. The one you got all dressed up for.”

 

I laughed, a little feeling of relief washing over me. “Then consider yourself a lucky.”

 

The brunette tilted his head cutely. “What?”

 

I cleared my throat, feeling daring enough to actually look at him in the eyes. “ _It’s just that I don’t want to be somebody’s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too_.” I recited, watching as the realization dawned in his bright brown eyes.

 

“Perks of Being a Wallflower. What Sam said to Charlie.” Sungyeol’s smile widened as he easily recognized the quote. “You read the book.”

 

“I did more than read it. I… I studied it. I thought about what it meant to you, about what it meant to me. Last week… you said that I reminded you of Charlie but the truth is I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to sit back and pine over someone, I don’t want to be complacent anymore. I want to do _things_. I want to change. And I… I want to be somebody that’s worth noticing. I don’t want to be a wallflower. I want to be brave. And the thing is Sungyeol, when I’m with you… I feel like it’s actually possible. You make me feel important, you make me feel like I can be anything that I want to be. And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this summer didn’t mean the same to you as it did to me but… honestly? I think that no matter what happens next, to our friendship… to _us_ , that I have to say this.” I paused, stepping closer to reach out for his hand.

 

“I know that our meetings… it started out as just a class, but somewhere along the way, I started to really care for you. As more than a professor, or a friend. I want… I want to be with you. And frankly, that realization was more than scary. Because I have been hurt before. Hurt in ways that made me want to give up entirely. And I was going to; I had decided that I didn’t need love anymore, that it wasn’t worth the pain or the inevitable break up. But then…” I laughed, feeling a little giddy at the way things had turned out. “But then I met you. And you were just so… _kind_. And genuine. And so, so beautiful.” I let my eyes track over his face, all the little details and quirks that I knew by memory now.

 

“And every single time I saw you, you always managed to take my breath away. And I was never going to tell you that. I was going to hold it all in, bury it deep inside of me because I was convinced that there was no way in hell that you would ever feel the same way about me. Because it was so crazy for me to feel so strongly about you… I barely even know you but at the same time it feels like I’ve known you forever.”

 

I grimaced at the idea of letting him go. “I was going to let our goodbye from the other day be the end of it. But then I thought about what Sam said. About how if someone cares about a person, that they shouldn’t keep it inside. So I’m not going to anymore. I’m going to look you in the eyes and tell you that I’ve been falling for you since the first day I saw you. And I’ve never been more scared or excited in my whole damn life. So if there’s a chance, even the smallest little chance, that you could ever see as more than your student… if you could see me as a man and not just a lost little boy who has been struggling for so long… then I want you to show me, so I can feel it too.”

 

Sungyeol squeezed my hand, his voice so soft I could barely hear it. “Myungsoo…” He reached up slowly with the other hand, grabbing me by my tie to pull me closer. “Would a kiss be sufficient?”

 

“W-what?” I asked in disbelief, unsure if I had heard him right. But the professor only smiled wider, his grip still solid, pulling me slightly across his desk.

 

“You said you wanted me to show you. A kiss has always been my favorite display of affection.”

 

My mouth split into a huge grin, and I couldn’t force my brain to come up with an intelligent response so I settled for a quick nod.

 

It was like time slowed down and the rest of the world fell away. Suddenly we were in our very own movie, starring just the two of us, and all the misunderstandings and lack of communication and hurt feelings disappeared as soon as his lips touched my own. The kiss was so soft, almost tentative in the newness of it all. But I was determined to make it count so moved a hand into his light brown hair, holding on as his fingers tightened on my tie.

 

And in that moment, suddenly it was all worth it; I knew that everything I had gone through, the struggle and the heartbreak and the loneliness had brought me here. I knew that this was the path that I had to walk, the journey that needed to be taken in order to put me in this room with this man, so I could define my happiness on my own terms. So I could feel his sincerity in his kiss and the care in his touch.

 

I had been kissed before, I had even been loved, but all at once it was like it didn’t matter. Like my entire slate had been wiped clean, and this, only him was left behind. And even though the kiss stayed mostly chaste, just a firm press of lips, shared breaths, and the littlest swipe of tongue, I knew it would be the single most important kiss I would ever have.

 

We pulled away slowly, our hearts racing as we beamed at each other. “Did you feel-”

 

“Yeah. I did.” I confirmed his unspoken question, acknowledging that something colossal had just happened; both of our worlds had shifted and now we were in sync.

 

Sungyeol giggled, resting his forehead against my own. “I just can’t believe this is happening; that you’re actually _here_ , that you want me-”

 

“I don’t think I’m capable of _not_ wanting you.” I admitted, too elated about what had just happened to feel ashamed.

 

“The feeling is definitely mutual. Especially with you in that suit. Like seriously? You dressed up just to confess to me? That’s… adorably endearing yet somehow insanely hot all at the same time.”

 

“Well… it wasn’t _just_ for the confession. I was actually supposed to ask you out on a date.”

  
  
“What stopped you?”

 

“Your _lips_.” I reminded him, leaning in to steal a quick kiss before I psyched myself out of it. “But I do have it all set up, if you wanted to join me-”

 

“Yeah. Hell yeah, let’s go. Wherever you want.” I couldn’t help the butterflies I felt in my stomach when he sounded so earnest, so _enthusiastic_  just at the prospect of going on a date with me. I grabbed his hand tentatively, but he didn’t hesitate to lace our fingers together.

 

“Ever been to the roof?”

 

“No…” Sungyeol responded, his big eyes looking at me suspiciously. “Should I have?”

 

“No. I wanted to be one of your firsts.”

 

Sungyeol raised his eyebrows, looking impressed. “Myungsoo being smooth… who would have thought this was possible.” We made up way up the stairs to the highest floor, the both of us moving a bit quicker than normal in our excitement.

 

“Don’t speak too soon.” I warned, pausing at the access door. “I… I really hope you like it. It would’ve been a lot more romantic at nighttime, but I wasn’t sure when you would leave your office and I didn’t want to risk missing you-”

 

“Myungsoo.” Sungyeol cut me off, leaning his body weight into my arm. “I’m sure that whatever you’ve come up with will be more than good enough.”

 

“Okay.” I opened up the door, leading him up the small steps to bring him outside. My setup was just as I had left it, the little picnic blanket secured by little rocks I had found outside of the building. The picnic basket was sitting securely in the middle, the bouquet of flowers lying next to it. I hurried over, grabbing them and holding them out as if it were an offering.

 

“These are for you.”

 

“They are beautiful Myungsoo.” Sungyeol closed his eyes, inhaling deeply to capture the sweet scent. “All of this… it’s wonderful.”

 

I grabbed onto his free hand, bringing him over to the blanket. There were two little seat cushions, and we sat down on our respective spots. “Are you hungry by chance? I’ve got some sandwiches, wine-”

 

“Yes to both, please. I’m starving.” Sungyeol said happily, folding his long legs to the side so he could scoot a bit closer to me. Opening up the picnic basket, I took out two sandwiches that I had made and wrapped earlier in the day. I set one in front of each of us and grabbed the wine glasses next. I had chosen a twist top bottle because I didn’t trust myself with a wine opener, and I wasn’t even sure if it was a good brand or not, but Sungyeol didn’t seem to mind when I poured him a glass of pink moscato.

 

Sungyeol looked around, a cute look on his face as he took in my little decorations and personal touches. “I’m starting to sense a theme here. Pink roses, pink wine, pink heart seat cushions…”

 

“I remembered you said it was your favorite color, and you said you had a soft spot for big romantic gestures… I’m hoping a pretty in pink rooftop date will somehow count?”

 

“Consider me smitten. And bonus points for the movie reference.” Sungyeol whispered, looking forward and tilting his chin up in invitation. I took him up on it, letting myself get lost in those lips once more as we kissed. We still had a bit of shyness about it, neither of us pushing for too much too fast. The kisses were more about getting to know the feel of one another than lust; there was no need to rush it because we both knew we had all the time in the world to get closer.

 

Eventually we broke apart, and I was pleasantly surprised by just how _pink_ Sungyeol’s lips were after they had been kissed. “I thought you were hungry.” I whispered, my thumb tracing along his smooth jawline.

 

“I am. For very many things.” Sungyeol cleared his throat, reluctantly pulling away. “But I think it would be for the best if I was on my best behavior today.” He picked up his sandwich, his long fingers carefully peeling back the saran wrap to take a bite. I mirrored his actions, and we both eat our food, stealing glances at each other over our sandwiches.

 

Once they were gone we turned our attention to the wine, clinking our glasses together in a toast. Sungyeol managed to coax me over into his space, and before I knew it I was practically laying in his side, letting him run his fingers through my hair. It was such a simple gesture but so comforting, I kind of never wanted it to stop.

 

But a part of me was curious; I had spilled out my heart earlier in his office but I hadn’t had the chance to ask him more about how he felt. “Sungyeol?”

 

“Hmm?” He murmured, his fingers still working their magic.

 

“When did you- did you always… how did you know-”

 

“You can ask me anything Myungsoo. I promise it’s okay.”

 

I forced myself to leave his embrace, sitting up so I could look him directly in the eyes. “I mean, earlier I told you about when my feelings for you grew more complex. I guess… I was just wondering when you knew…”

 

“That I wanted more than to just be your professor?” Sungyeol asked, his eyes widening in disbelief. “I mean, wasn’t it obvious?”

 

“No?”

 

“What?” Sungyeol said exasperatedly. “I thought you always knew I was a little too attached. I was the one who was pursuing you. And then there were the fiascos with Joon and Jaejoong, I thought I was just going to die.”

 

“Fiascos? What do you mean?”

 

“Well, it was obvious that they knew who you were because I was obsessed with you! I talked to my friends about you all the time, wondering what I should do or say to gain your attention. I thought you knew that, that you connected the dots. When you didn’t make a move I figured it was because you weren’t interested.”

 

I laughed, shaking my head. “It’s funny because I was so insanely jealous of your friends.”

 

“But why?”

 

“First of all, both of them are freakishly good looking. Like… it’s not normal when every single person your crush associates with looks like an idol.”

 

“They do not! And you’re prettier than the both of them anyway.”

 

I blushed, rolling my eyes. “You are so biased. It wasn’t just their looks though. It was more that it made me realize that there was this whole other part of your life that I wasn’t a part of. I would feel so close to you but then I would hear them say something about you that I had no idea about and I would feel silly for feeling like I actually knew you.”

 

“I promise you; we connected this summer. And maybe we still have a lot left to discover about one another, but that just means that we have a lot of things to look forward to.” Sungyeol sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “Plus, you weren’t the only one of us feeling insecure. When you said you had hooked up with your ex again…” He stopped, looking at me honestly. “Not that I am judging you for that, because I really don’t. I think you needed to see him and end things on your own terms. I know you have your regrets about the whole situation but I think it was important for you to tie up those loose ends. I just… I just figured it meant that I wasn’t on your radar like that if you still wanted him.”

 

“But I didn’t.” I tried to convince him. “I… god, I can’t even believe I’m going to say this but… I think the biggest reason I was able to turn down Woohyun was because of you.”

 

“Really?”

 

I nodded. “Yeah. I mean, when I was with him, when I was really trying to make myself believe his lies I just… I couldn’t get over the feeling that something about it was wrong. And I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Would Sungyeol treat me like this? Would Sungyeol be disappointed in me for going back to him? But I think… I think I knew that my heart wasn’t with Woohyun anymore after we slept together. Maybe it’s crude to say and maybe this makes me a terrible person but when we were together… intimately… I found myself thinking of you. I was… I was wishing that I was with you instead of him.”

 

“Thank you for telling me that Myungsoo. And I don’t think it makes you a terrible person; I think it makes you honest. You can’t help what your heart wants. Hell, that’s what I’ve been telling myself all summer long as I’ve stopped myself from confessing to you.”

 

I frowned, unable to understand. “But why would you stop yourself? I know that I was a bit sad and you could feel that when we were together in the beginning but… I was so into you, there’s no chance I would have turned you down. What could you have possibly been afraid of?”

 

Sungyeol looked sad for the first time since I had say him today, his eyes suddenly looking doubtful. “You know about my past… my history with dating somebody older.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“He was my teacher, Myungsoo.”

 

“Yeah?” I repeated, unsure of what he was trying to imply.

 

“Well I was your professor!”

 

“I know?” I looked at him confused. “I don’t see the correlation?”

  
“How could you not?” Sungyeol exclaimed. “Myungsoo… I was supposed to be teaching you this summer, not...  _romancing_ you. And I’m older than you, and I just- it would _kill_ me if I had manipulated you or made you do something you weren’t emotionally ready for and I never, ever want to be like my teacher-”

 

“ _No_.” I cut him off firmly. “No. You have never done _anything_ to make me uncomfortable. In fact, it’s just the opposite! All summer long, you’ve done nothing but support me. You helped me become a better person and I am eternally grateful for that! The truth is that you _couldn’t_ manipulate me, you are much too good of a person. You're nothing like he was, I swear it."

 

 Sungyeol shook his head. "I told you that I've done things. That I'm not perfect-"

 

"I know you said you made mistakes in your past but I assure you, you are not repeating those mistakes in your future. I want to be with you. Not because you tricked me into feeling that way, but because you make me _happy_. Please, please don’t let somebody else that you don’t even care about anymore be the thing that stands between us. Plus the both of us are in our twenties so the age gap is not even a factor.”

 

“Okay. _Okay_.” Sungyeol resolved, doing his best to smile again for me. “I just… I wanted to be sure. You were vulnerable and I couldn’t have handled it if you I ever made you feel uncomfortable. That’s why I was so freaked whenever you didn’t show up to our meeting that time. I thought you had gotten tired of me, and that you knew that I felt a little too strongly about you.”

 

“I told you that wasn’t the case.” I said helplessly, trying to will him to trust me.

 

“I know. And I believe you. But I guess… it’s just good to hear it again. But that’s why I didn’t want to ask you out during the semester. I didn’t want you to feel pressured to say yes because I was your professor. There’s power dynamics and control issues and just… way too much baggage to ever start something in a healthy way if we would have gone down that road. So I forced myself to try and keep my walls up, to be patient and wait until the semester was over before I asked you on a date. I was going to ask you after class on Wednesday but then you said you were glad we were friends… I figured that you were trying to send me a message.”

 

I shook my head frantically. “No, no. I didn’t- god, I would’ve never said that if I knew you were going to take it that way. Honestly, in that moment I was just so panicked about having to say goodbye to you that I just kind of said the first thing that came into my head. Not that I don’t appreciate your friendship, because I do. But being your friend doesn’t mean that I can’t be other things to you too.”

 

“I know that now.” Sungyeol said softly, pulling me back closer. “On one hand I hate that we missed out on time together because of miscommunication. But on the other, I’m glad it did happen. Because it brought us here. And I don’t know about you, but I think this is a pretty cool first date. I might even rank it top five.”

 

“Top five?” I complained, pouting as he laughed. “And here I thought all of the pink stuff would at least get me in the top three.”

 

Sungyeol grinned, leaning forward until he was just a breath’s width away from my lips. “The date has been pretty good so far, but another kiss… that might just earn you the top spot.”

 

“I think that can be arranged.” I captured his lips again, nearly knocking over his wine glass in my haste to get closer to him. We both started cracking up laughing, and we safely moved our drinks away from any imminent danger before continuing on right where left off. It was surreal, kissing the object of my affections as the sun set, just enjoying the moment for what it was. I ended up relaxing in his lap, my back to his chest as he wrapped his arms around me.

 

“So what happens now?” I asked, my voice low as we watched the sky turn into a beautiful mix of orange and yellows.

 

“I don’t have any idea. But I think we can figure it out together.” Sungyeol said warmly, leaning forward to kiss me on the cheek.

 

I looked over my shoulder, taking in those pretty brown eyes and the beautifully gummy smile that I had come to associate with Sungyeol. No longer my professor, but something so much more. I kissed him back, knowing that this night would be the first of our many moments spent wrapped up in each other.

 

 _Together_.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

That night, after spending hours talking with Sungyeol underneath the stars, sharing secrets and stories in hushed voices and lingering touches, I returned back to my apartment. I laid in my bed, my body still buzzing with excitement after the new developments with Sungyeol. I spied his book on my end table, and I picked it up, opening to one of the first pages.

 

_So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be._

 

I smiled wistfully, remembering the uncertainty of the unknown, knowing just how it felt to be so conflicted, so full of so many different emotions all at once. I opened to the last page, reading Charlie’s final words.

 

_Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough. And I will always believe the same about you._

 

Sungyeol had underlined _they will be soon enough_ three times. I smiled, knowing that soon enough was  _now_.

 

I closed the book, knowing that I wouldn’t need to open it for a long time. No longer would I hide myself away from anything; be it friendship or love. It was time to stop wishing for something better; it was time to take control of my own narrative, to rewrite the story to create my own happy ending. I wouldn’t sit back and let time and my own crippling self doubts kill me slowly for a second longer.

 

It was like something clicked, a missing piece finally falling into place as I defined my own destiny. This feeling was _real_ , and I was going to live my life to the fullest. I felt more whole, more happy than I had in years because I knew that this wasn’t some lie I was telling myself; I had truly changed.

 

“ _This one moment when you know you are not a sad story, you are alive._ ”

 

I spoke out loud, my eyes wet with unshed tears of joy and relief, my heart feeling lighter than ever before. I smiled through the unknown, knowing that this was just the beginning of the rest of my life. Knowing that I would have somebody by my side to share it with, a man that I could be proud to call my own. Before, I had never understood why a particular quote from the book was the most popular, but now, now that I could feel it for myself, I knew why it was so powerful, so _perfect_.

 

Because now I knew what it felt like to be complete, and I never wanted that to go away. And with a little bit of luck, hopefully it never would.

 

“ _I feel infinite_.”

 

* * *

A/N: consider this my christmas present to you! i want to wish all of my readers a very happy holidays!  
so our  journey is finally complete! just imagine myungsoo showing up to confess to his teacher looking like this!  
  
this story has been a rollercoaster to say the least. i came up with this idea all the way back in 2014 because i wanted to write something that really explored myungsoo’s personality. i have always found him to be so interesting because there is this innate vulnerability to him; when you look at him you expect him to be one way but the more you learn about myungsoo, the more he surprises you. i have been obsessed with perks of a wallflower since i was literally 15 years old, and if you have not read the book i am begging you, please do so immediately! i know it can sound silly but the book really did help me through so many tough times when i was growing up, and i loved the idea of the book being so equally important to sungyeol and myungsoo but in different ways. this fic was primarily about myungsoo discovering himself, and he just so happened to find love along the way. In a strange way it feels like i’ve watched him grow up through writing this fic over the years, and it was so much fun tying in movies and books into the narrative to make myungsoo’s story come to life. the quotes and the movie scenes and the general destined romance with sungyeol was challenging to come up with but immensely rewarding for me as a writer when i got to see it all finally come together in the end. sungyeol was the sixth sense because he was different, he was _the_ one and myungsoo finally gets the happily ever after he truly deserves. after all the angst and late night writing binges and tears, i am both relieved and a little sad to see this one end. to all of you that supported this fic over the years, thank you so much. this truly was an experiment for me in terms of writing style and content, so it means the world to me to know that you guys enjoyed reading it. comment below and let me know what you think please! keep on loving myungyeol no matter how many years pass by. ♡ ray


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